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[Lost78]

Greetings,
I'm very new to this, all this to be more specific so please forgive me.
I'm a 37 year old born male, who is thinking about transitioning to female.
Is married with children and very much lost in all this, any guidance or suggestions are appreciated. Thanks for reading and responding.

[Mariah]

Hi lost78, welcome to Susan's. Congrats on the courage to post. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs.
Mariah

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[Lost78]

Thanks...I've been reading tons of correspondence between members prior to joining and figured everyone here was pretty well informed and honest...so I figured I've got no other social outlet so this might as well be it.

[katrinaw]

Hi Lost,

Welcome to Susan's

Is this a sudden thought or something you've been wrestling with over time, years?

A good source or help, and place to start is with a Gender Counsellor or Therapist, they can help you understand yourself and help you with your journey.

Please look around the site and look at everyone else's stories or questions etc... somewhere many of us have answers and the help you may be seeking.

Look forward to seeing you around the forums, and remember we are your friends (virtual family) and are here to help and support you.

L Katy 

[Lost78]

My story is complicated; at least i perseve it that way. As a kid I did struggle with my body but coped with it with "fantasy" I suppose. Like pretended to be in a woman's body when I clearly wasn't. Then as I aged I would still struggle and would yet again "fantasies" I was in a woman's body and try on women's close...not like cross dressing, but more for the "I want to feel like a woman does", probably doesn't make sense the way I'm saying it. But then when I was even older the "fantasy" was a desire to be a woman and to do what they do and dress like they do and whatnot. I over compensated my masculinity through life by getting tons of tattoos, but it was my way of "hiding" the body I hated. But resently, because of celebrity news, drew attention to "transgender" for me and I've been obsessing online with educating myself and contemplating a transition. Even talked to my wife about it... Hope all this makes sense...

[katrinaw]

Yes it does make sense 

I too used to dream of being who I am now becoming in real terms...

Instead of Tat's I went down house renovating and getting totally absorbed in work paths, always managing my "issues", but knowing sooner or later it will make me take the ultimate step.. which is very, very close now...

Funny I started HRT 12 years ago intending to have transitioned by now, but because of work history and family changes I kept putting it off, but I met a friend (now) who was transitioning just after I started HRT and then it became so clear to me, it hardened my resolve... apart from being to scared to come out and hence the history and family changes...

You are lucky that you have already prepared the pathway with your wife, mine, on the face of it will not take it well, so I have over the last few years ensured financially we are sound, in case later this year, I am out and on my own literally...

It is not easy, but then nor is life, right 

Its good that you have spent time looking on line (that was my trigger 15 years ago, once I got internet at home) you know, I was not alone!... I call it my most Euphoric moment...

I was only remising, due to another thread a few weeks ago, that I recall my father showing me some photo portfolios of a transgendered woman, but at the time I thought wow it can be done, but looked at myself and thought, no keep it inside and manage yourself!

Funny looking back, lost time etc...

But I agree with the dressing bit, not really CD in the classical sense, but more of testing yourself... can I , will I... I actually started going out dressed, but only at night, but after a few years and kids starting to grow up, I returned to full secrecy in my attic at home...

But everything you are talking about does make sense, many of us here have done similar things... so we share, we commiserate where needed and we enjoy ourselves.. a few bail out and go into denial... been there so many times... many of us are biding our time...

It is really ultimately our decision, based on driver, need in terms of anxiety, ability and above all strength or commitment.

As far as "obsessing" goes, that's where we need help and guidance, like all things its so easy to say "Yes" " that's me", but in reality its a development and a need to fulfil... Its not an easy path, although having sympathetic or supportive family, friends and relations etc. goes a long way...

However the community is getting bigger and more and more folks are becoming more aware of what GID is and how many are affected by this diagnosable condition... for me it goes back to when I was born, probably, only aware of it around 4'ish... never gone away, just pushed it back in my mind for periods, but when it comes back, its stronger, managing it is very emotionally draining, personally I am surprised I have made it this far... but age forces and strength forces me to just move on, knowledge and be who I really am... simple... right? 

L Katy 

[Dena]

Normal plain TS story No, honestly all of our stories have a common thread and after you have heard a few hundred they all sound pretty much the same and that's a good thing. It means you are in the right place to explore your feelings. You have months of work ahead of you learning and plotting your future course in life. With children, I hope you are able to keep the family together. Better for your pocket book and far better for the CHILDREN. I have seen couples stay together and other split. You need to exert that extra effort to bring the wife along and be graceful if she stays because she will also be an emotional anchor that you are going to need at times. She was your best friend in marriage and may be in your future.
I was an exception because when I discovered myself in puberty, my body was already far to masculine for me. Low voice and hight were not desirable. I was lucky that I have big bones but a slim build (for the most part) and as a brown blond I had no body hair on my chest and the remain was light enough that by the time electrolysis was needed, I could grow hair for three days and it still didn't look to bad. We all dream of a simple solution to our problems and often at night while I was waiting for sleep to overcome me, I would wish on a star to wake a woman in the morning.
We all feel like we are a woman (or gentle man) inside and we want our body to match what we feel on the inside. Dressing is one way we use to try and fool our self that we are there.
As you may note, I have a few years on the clock so I can tell you what it's like a long way down the road. It's no longer important to me what I wear on the outside. As I type this I have a pair of shorts on with a printed mens T shirt, tennis shoes and athletic socks on but I still feel like a woman because my skin is that of a woman's. No matter what I cover my body with, my mind matches my body.
If you post to this thread I will receive a notification and return to look at your post. If you have a question you don't want to ask in open form, when you reach 15 post you can PM me and I will attempt to provide you with a helpful answer. Don't be embarrassed here because we have all done things in our past we would rather not have other know and we are understanding and forgiving. Please take advantage of our help and have a wonderful journey.

[V M]

Hi Lost 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Lost78]

I appreciate all your responses and time in sharing your stories with me. One of the main reasons why I feel so lost is the fact of my age, my masculinized tattooed that I've literally covered myself in and fear of not passing. I know a lot of people say it's not about passing, but for me, I think, what's the point of transitioning if yet again, you end up not feeling comfortable in your skin. So passing is definitely a concern. Also my wife feels this is a "phase" or a midlife crisis that I'm going through, which scares me cause I feel she's just telling herself that to avoid the truth. I fear of repercussions from the community and I don't want to put my kids in danger of risk of assault or harm. There honestly is so many fears and concerns. I have zero friends, no family, no social outlet, I'm unemployed and homeschool our youngest child...I feel like I'm rock bottom and need a complete re-do, a chance to remake who I am. But then the fear of being still unhappy with results of that loom over me. Like I said...I'm lost.

[traci_k]

Welcome Lost78, No your story isn't all that unusual, in fact, many trans-women have gone into super masculine professions to try to over-compensate. Take Kristen Beck, for example, former Navy Seal. Like you others have gone for lots of tats, been bikers, etc.And complicating things, married with children. I'm 59 married with a 16 yo.

The first question is to figure out whether transition is right for you or not and that is where a good gender therapist will come in. Then you have to start laying out your transition plan. Money figures prominently if you don't have insurance which covers all this, plus the potential of affording two households.

Wish there was a magic wand we could wave but transitioning reality is much different, difficult and as many girls here can attest, rewarding. Lot's of stuff on the site. Don't be afraid to ask questions and after 15 posts you can PM if you've got something more personal. Get involved and you'll make some friends.

Welcome aboard.

[Lost78]

Thanks for the reply. There is no way I could support two households. To be honest if I was to be divorced I would be homeless. I have no savings no income, relying on wife's income and insurance. She opted for me to be the stay at home parent and homeschool our son. So given the fact I have no family or friends I have no social life, no one to turn too in a time of need. So I feel pretty much alone in all this and scared. It's a high risk, one that I told her that of I knew I'd loose everything I wouldn't do it, but things like this don't have defined answers they are always up in the air possibilities and what ifs. And I hate that... I want the security in knowing I could pursue this and everything be ok and I'd be a passable female with my family. But only in a perfect world I guess...I don't know.

[Tessa James]

I would hope to reassure you but I consider what you are going through as a critical part of transition.  Once we acknowledge this major truth to our selves and our most significant others it is almost impossible to put this genie back in the bottle.  It is way hard to walk this one back.  Plus if we are transgender and feeling dysphoria it is most often with us for life and progressively insistent.  The good news, in my opinion, is that every transition has a unique character and for some of us it need not be mapped out or have defined goals other than feeling better about ourselves.

Many people are hugely relieved just to figure this out and can deal with themselves as is.  Others will take very tentative steps like jewelry and clothes that are not permanent.  And then there are always next steps and hoops to jump as you thoughtfully consider your next move.

Many of us delayed forever, (raising my own hand) thinking our fantasies and dreams were impossible.  Your levels of comfort and need will typically assert themselves but there is a world of possibilities for you and your family to consider.
Best of luck exploring your answers.

[KristinaM]

Ohhhh, big hugs and best wishes!

I'm 33, married for 8 years, with a baby (our first/only) due in September.  The drug I'm on now for my MS means I'm not allowed to impregnate her again without the child suffering serious side-effects, and I didn't bank any sperm first.  Plus, hormone therapy (which I will hopefully start later this year) will probably render me infertile!  So yeah, one baby, the end.

But anyways.  As others have stated, reading everyone's stories over the last couple of months has unveiled a generically common thread in probably all of them.  And once you've opened Pandora's Box, there's usually no closing it again.

How old are your children?  If they are young-ish, you may not have as much trouble as you'd think.  Young children take their cues from the adults around them typically and are more malleable than older children and adults, so they usually adjust to the change easier.

To talk about your situation a little though, if you got divorced, you're usually entitled to half the estate unless a pre-nup was involved, right?  I hope I never have to go through divorce to find out.  We're trying to make it work and so far it's still good (only been 2 months though).  We went bra shopping this weekend, hehe.  So, don't be so stressed about that and the fact that YOU have no money, b/c YOU have exactly half of what you and your wife have combined.  Also, the fact that you have no friends or social life or job may make things somewhat easier on you truth be told.  If you can fully or mostly transition, then you can start job hunting and making friends as the new you without worry of converting or losing your current friends and job.

I hope some of that helps you look on the bright side.  Find a gender therapist to talk to though and start the ball rolling on this.  You'll be happier than trying to suppress it.  I'm unintentionally outing myself at work because of my nail polish, makeup, and clothes I think, but I don't care b/c it makes me happy.

Start a journal and start planning things.  Make appointments, buy some knick-knacks, doo-dads and bits of clothing where you can spare the coin (try Goodwill actually).  Go get an A-cup WonderBra (one where the cups hold their shape on their own so you don't have to stuff it) and a dress and kick back and relax at home.    You'll either thank yourself for the relief it offers, or it'll do nothing, then you can start investigating just how far down the rabbit hole you actually need to fall to be happy!

[Lost78]

Thank you again for the insight and encouragements. I do feel at a disadvantage most of the time. I'm 5,10 280lbs and tattooed from hands to neck, even have one on my face. I have a shaved head and very broad shoulders. Financially the household lives paycheck to pay check. So there really isn't 1/2 of anything to gain outside of materialistic items. In regards to custody and what not, the teenagers 13 and 14 aren't biologically mine, so I'd loose them immediately through diverse, no questions asked. My son, who's 5 at the moment would grant me 1/2 custody, if I could stay in the state. Which unfortunately I'm not from, I'm originally from California and moved to Utah about 10 years ago, (family reasons) met my wife and became instant dad; just add marriage. So a divorce would render me homeless and forced to leave the state to live with cousins in Cali. Thus losing more custody rights and left with alternate holidays and possible summer breaks. Which to think about is unbearable considering I've literally been by his side 24/7 since birth. There isn't a day he isn't with me or moment he's not. I can't live without him considering he's been my anchor.
So again I feel backed into a corner ... My wife is going to look through her insurance to follow find me a counsellor to talk too this weekend, and I'm taking my son camping.
But I'm stressed out...so many worries and stress.
I even shaved my beard and dabbled in makeup yesterday to see if I could femme up and I felt hopeless. I see sooooo many successful transitions and I feel across the board that I'd make an ugly woman... And that deters me truthfully. I know many say it's not about the looks, but for whatever reason it's an important part for me. I'm not trying to say I want to be a Cis woman, cause obviously that just isn't possible but I want to look as womanly as I can. I probably sound loony...but I fear my physical features, tattoos and weight will hinder that process.
I have however, besides shaving my beard changed my diet, I want to loose 100 lbs but again fear between counseling and weight loss this will only prolong any possible change and make me older and older as I attempt to make myself more feminism in the process. I'm rambling...confused and utterly lost. Where is the "easy" button of life so I can press it???

[Tessa James]

You can honor your loving commitments to family and move forward just as you are doing.  I hope you also see people here with very similar worries and challenges that have made it work.  It is a process and you are taking positive steps for understanding and expressing yourself.  You may surprise yourself with how much better you feel just to acknowledge the true you.

Lots of us have felt crazy, lost. confused and yes loony along the way.  Our own fears are typically the biggest hurdle.  One of my best friends is a transwoman who is big and had real doubts about finding love.  Now she is involved with a great woman and living the dream.  It can happen for you too.

[KristinaM]

Makeup takes lots of practice    Start with mascara, eye-liner, and lipstick.  Avoid eye-shadow at first, and only dabble very lightly in foundation and/or powder to even out your skin tone and reduce splotchiness, then look at yourself in the mirror from about 4 feet away, lol.  You'll find your inner woman with some practice! 

[Dena]

I know this isn't going to help now but by the time I decide I was ready for surgery, I was living 99% of what I wanted. Yes, I didn't want to be able to pee standing up and my legal documentation couldn't be changed until after surgery. In a proper treatment program most of the discomfort and pain is pretty much gone by the time you reach surgery. If it isn't, you better consider delaying surgery until those issues are worked out.

Now I knew couples where the surgery was delayed until the kids were out of school and the money was available.

You have many baby steps to reach your goal. It took me almost a year form sometimes cross dressing to full time. I would have gone a bit longer but I lost my job. I already had the hair length I needed so I got my ugly nose and neck fixed  and went full time so I could start looking for another job in the new role.

You may be feeling flood of emotions as the result of your decision to join the board. If so, these will pass in a few weeks and you will be more level headed. Just understand we are here for you and we want you to make your best decision. There is no pressure so proceed at your own pace.

By the way on the Tattoos, I don't know if they are removable or not. If they are not, you may have to go the long sleeve route. It will limit your selection of fashions but jackets are an option. My niece went to lunch with us a coupe of weeks ago and she wore shorts, a strapless tub top and wore a light open jacket. Now my niece is on top of fashions and she knows how to get them cheap so I suspect that is a current trend. I am just not sure how long it will last in our 100 degree weather (stating this week end).

[Lost78]

Thank you all for your kind words and support, it is nice to have, but I'd assume any support group would be supportive and reassuring.
But it is overwhelming... All to overwhelming... How do you know? Like what are signs of certainties rather than as they say "mental instabilities" or something like that...I mean no offense by the way, just something that was brought to my attention resently when I presented the idea to a family member. I've been through trauma as a child, as an adult I had an affair on my wife, she obviously stayed with me, we then lost our daughter; she passed away, then our car got repo- I lost my job, she opted for me to be a stay at home parent and raise our son...and then my wife was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer, when through chemo, and radiation a year ago. Obviously she's been dealt a lot of short ends of sticks, I'm her second marriage, she's my first. And our marriage took a turn for worse when we started treating each other like renters/roommates. Then the talk happened a few weeks ago where she said she didn't know if she could do this anymore unless change happened. So in an effort to better myself and figure myself out I started analyzing aspects of my life and trying to make sense of it all..."why do I do this", "why did I used to do that", "why am I like this"....and then I started thinking the transgender route...figured there is no "right" time but the present to discuss it with my wife and I did. She's hoping it a phase and wants a professionals opinion...meanwhile, I'm trying to talk myself into it...I play the plus and minus game of doing it not doing it and I fear regret. You see a ton of "I hate being transgender" videos on YouTube and net and blogs of people not transitioning well or "passing" and they are literally at the end of the rope...literally and figuratively, and it's scares the $hit out of me... I know this world doesn't have certainties, hel my life proves that, but for this...I really wish there was a clear cut sign. Mirror mirror on the wall....will I be the hottest transsexual of them all???
Nope...didn't work

And I don't hate my penis, I know for many that their genitalia pose many problems for them, but I'm fine with mine, I wouldn't do srs or anything like that, I just want to be a woman...guess that's hypocritical...if I want to be a woman why wouldn't I get srs, but like I said, my penis isn't the issue, I think it's just my mind that's my worse enemy. Are there transgendered females that don't want to have srs....or is that just ultimately the end goal for everyone, given the finances were available? Or am I yet again the odd one out?

[Tessa James]

I think you are in good company here.  Questions and feeling overwhelmed are common as is your desire to know with certainty.  This is a huge deal and can impact every facet of your life.  While I wish there was a fool proof test that would ensure accuracy with no regrets, we don't have that yet and maybe never will.  Being transgender doesn't come with a blood test and our gender identity is not the same as gendered behavior or gender roles.  Playing with dolls or trucks as a child doesn't really mean jack.  In a sense being transgender is a self diagnosis that can be facilitated by a good gender therapist, friends and mentors.  I guess funds could be an issue for your family but it sounds like you might really benefit from talking to a therapist.  A less spendy option is to explore here and in real time with other transgender people at an LGBTQ center.  Hope you have access to one?

There are some very common narratives but your life story is the only one that counts in accepting or rejecting the trans umbrella for you.  Not all transgender folks have crippling dysphoria, depression and hatred for their body or genitalia.  For many of us this is a process of connecting the dots, listening to our deepest desires, looking at clues and trying our best to make sense of something we may have never been able to name or talk about.  I would agree with your wife that a professional opinion is helpful.  If we are transgender it is not a phase, doesn't simply go away and is typically persistent through life once acknowledged.  Being transgender is not about passing or looking the part.  We may wish and work for it but most will not be the next Janet Mock or swimsuit model.

Some of us will have a narrative that starts with their earliest memories embracing a gender identity other than that assigned at birth.  Some will have been cross dressing for years or never at all.  For me it was something I denied for decades and shamefully repressed even as I tried to transition, cross dressed and more.  Once I was able to accept myself the flood gates pushed wide open.  My one minor regret, like so many, was that I had not started years ago.

[traci_k]

Hi Lost, Relax. Remember that transition is a journey, not a sprint. Also, while many women opt for srs, many others, for many reasons do not. The key point is for you to be happy with you. If you are trans and surgery is not in the cards, that doesn't mean you are any less a woman. Gender Identity is what is between your ears, not necessarily between your legs.

The other thing is to find a way to get to talk to a qualified gender therapist. Your wife's insurance or company may cover it under an Employee Assistance Program. Since you are still kind of questioning, an important point is to find a therapist who can help you work through your issues, not some supportive, get you on your way to transition therapist.  For those who already know they are trans, the second is fine and can help them get started.  In your situation I would recommend you find one that can help you sort through the issues. One thing that many find is that stress can be a triggering event to realizing you may be trans and let's be honest, from your post, you and your wife have had more than your share of stress, so you probably want to go slower and really sort things out.

Truly, my heart goes out to you, especially on the loss of your daughter. I can't imagine anything more devastating, but with all that you're facing, deciding to fix your gender presentation may not be something you want to go for immediately. Again, that's where a qualified therapist can come in handy to help you. You've got a lot to deal with and if you need a listening ear, we're here for you.

Hugs,