Fluctuations in dysphoria

[highlight]

I am a trans teen (19) and have noticed that the GD seems to come and go. Although my feminine identity stays the same.

When the dysphoria is bad it makes me a little suicidal and even when it is not there it is always in the background.

I also have experience GD in a few different variations. Is this "normal".

[sparrow]

My experience has been very similar.  My therapist says this is pretty normal, and based on other things I've told them, sometimes it's a product of "internal transphobia" I'm supportive of all transpeople but myself, apparently.  I've always been a bit of a "man's man", and there's a lot of shame coming from my past.  Some days, I'm feeling fine, gender identity just doesn't really come up.  Others... boy I can have some bad days.

I have two "flavors" of dysphoria.  One is the normal kind: I hate how my body looks.  The other is weirder: best I can describe it so far is that I hate how I'll be perceived if I transition... especially how I'll perceive myself (and possibly, me projecting my inability to accept myself onto society).

Are you seeing a therapist?  You really should.  Sooner is better.  Even if you don't plan to act on your suicidal ideation, a single bad day can change that.

[highlight]

thank you for you reply. I feel extremely stable at the moment and have been so for about 4 months. I am on a waiting list for a gender clinic and will have to wait for about 8 months....

But yes I feel an intense amount of internal transphobia not just that though. Also an internal misogyny and I feel like I am associating with a lesser order of people.

Says quite a bit does it not? lol

[RachelsMantra]

It seems pretty plausible that dysphoria is not a static thing for a lot of people. It can ramp up over time and then diminish or vice versa. It can change daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, etc. There is variation in the rate of change for fluctuations in dysphoria. For some, it's a constant gnawing feeling for others it comes in waves and is more subtle and for some they don't even realize they are feeling dysphoria. Dysphoria comes in many flavors, particularly tailored to the individual and their unique combination of genetics and life history. There is no "right" amount of dysphoria to experience or not experience.

[highlight]

For me it seems to change with age. As a very young kid I experienced "genital dysphoria". Its difficult to imagine, its like knowing something is wrong and not knowing what. Like an itch in the brain.

Now I mainly have a strange and extremely depressing dysphoria where I am upset about my male upbringing and think life is a waste.

I still experience genital D, but I have seem to have got used to my body as the years went on.

[Kelly_1979]

A couple of years ago, before I accepted myself, I tried to calculate how often my "girl feelings" would appear and I would just ignore them. I thought they appeared every few months. There were multiple triggers which after sometime I thought they had passed.
Well now after I have mostly - totally accepted it when I have dysphoria it's even worse. The girl envy though is usually less then it was but the issue is in my head most of the time.

[Autumnleaf]

My experience has been very similar.  My therapist says this is pretty normal, and based on other things I've told them, sometimes it's a product of "internal transphobia" I'm supportive of all transpeople but myself, apparently.  I've always been a bit of a "man's man", and there's a lot of shame coming from my past.  Some days, I'm feeling fine, gender identity just doesn't really come up.  Others... boy I can have some bad days.

I have two "flavors" of dysphoria.  One is the normal kind: I hate how my body looks.  The other is weirder: best I can describe it so far is that I hate how I'll be perceived if I transition... especially how I'll perceive myself (and possibly, me projecting my inability to accept myself onto society).

Are you seeing a therapist?  You really should.  Sooner is better.  Even if you don't plan to act on your suicidal ideation, a single bad day can change that.

OMG Sparrow!  It's like you were describing me just now!  The transphobia, the thing about being a man's man, the shame of the past, and both "flavors" of dysphoria as you call it.

Wow, I thought I was the only one!

[Jacqueline]

Highlight,

When I first started researching and exploring information I thought that I was a transgender cross dresser. However, I have read that cross dressers get  a nervous, depressed or pent up feeling as things get tense and they dress and return to their life. I then read that transsexuals have the need to dress or experience dysphoria in cycles. When life is good or just too busy, the dysphoria goes away(submerges) for awhile.

Having followed my own path farther, I think that over simplifies things. However, fluctuations certainly do seem to occur for me. I am now MTF, out to wife but no one else in hopes of starting a partial transition shortly.

Not sure if that answers but I think fluctuations are pretty common.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

[highlight]

If its on a cycle than I will have to experience it again? It's nasty as hell.

[katrinaw]

Hi highlight yes the Dysphoric cycles are common, many have really polarizing cycles others not so.... As a kid Mine were bad, as I grew up I managed the feelings and intensity, i never allowed myself to go back to those dark thoughts....

Focus on your plan and the goals you've set yourself, then you may find it less stressful... Also talk about it with your therapist... They're there to help you....

Take care...

L Katy 

[Emileeeee]

Mine comes and goes too, but the frequency and reason for it has diminished recently. My life is pretty much a cycle of such strong dysphoria that I have no choice but to tell people immediately followed by zero dysphoria and freaking out about how unfair it is that I just told all these people and now it's gone. It used to be a lot of different types of dysphoria. Now it's just related to what I see in the mirror and how long it's taking to see the changes.

But the more I think about it, the more I think it's probably linked to my own level of self-acceptance. It is a battle between my own self-acceptance and my fear of social acceptance that causes it to appear. I've accepted my fate and finally have a therapist giving me an HRT letter at the next appointment. I still have the body dysphoria, but the distinctly feminine feelings are all but gone. It's a little unsettling, but I think it's reasonable to assume that the more genuine I live, the less I'll have these random feelings that something's not right.

[KristinaM]

My dysphoria fluctuates.  I randomly get anxiety or depression from it.  Sometimes it's not that bad, sometimes it's just a feeling of general sadness that I have to be wearing the clothes I am.  Sometimes it's when I see an attractive woman on TV or in a movie.  It saddens me that I won't get to live my youth as the woman I should have.  I do try to remember though that at least I'll get to live the rest of my life as the woman I am on the inside, eventually......hopefully......  See, there's that dysphoria again, lol.

It makes me sad to think about leaving behind the last 30 years of my life in order to start anew.  Gone will be the no-brainer dressing in the mornings of black slacks and a polo.  Maybe things will get easier once I figure out how to coordinate separates, but I'm so not there yet.

Maybe one day I'll be on HRT and my external t-producing ovaries will shrink so I don't feel like they're constantly in the way, but for now, they're constantly in the way, lol.  I've got a lot more maybes that I could share, but I'll spare you, and it's just making me more depressed to write about it, heh, so there you have it.

I just try to keep myself distracted so I don't dwell on these things.

[highlight]

I am so very sorry to hear that. But In a way I am glad you did. That "type" of retrospective dysphoria is  mostly what I experience.

Its <Not Permitted> horrible.

I suppose to a degree, I am privileged to have found out at such a young age (relative to others) and that there Is definitely a very slim chance of passing.