Understanding perception.

[barbiedollkimm]

Hello all I am new to this form and I'm excited to find it. I happen upon this site because I have recently had a life shattering revelation. I'm 27 years old and have been living comfortably as a trans female for over 10 years...until now that is. I have never found love and I feel I have finally discover why. All my life I was perceived as a girl, even as a child living as a young boy with no knowledge of what trans even meant I was mistaken for a girl. I never truly felt I was born in the wrong body but after years of being perceived as a girl and my own self doubt on not being the type of man I wanted to be I feel I made myself believe I was a trans woman. My transition was extremely easy in fact it was two easy, * I have had 1 silicone shot in my entire 10 years of transition, no other hrt at all. The only other actual augmentation I've made was lip injections. Physically I look like a girl, especially one who would be desired by men...however mentally I've never felt like a woman. I fall in love with men who identify as gay and of course that never works. I'm a perfectionist and I think I created the perfect female in looks and the way I act but yet I remain un-fullfilled. Deep in my core my only desire is to be loved. I don't feel I'm going to find that until I love myself and show my true self to someone...but that's the problem I think I've lost my true self by allowing people's perception of me dictate the direction my life went. Am I crazy? Am I alone or has anyone else felt this way? I feel I need to reprogram myself and give being boy a chance but in the same breath I'm worried it's just me being scared to commit to being trans


Mod edit: edited statement *

[suzifrommd]

Hi barbiedollkimm. Welcome to Susan's. 

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I've been living full time as a female for a couple years. I've never felt fully female "inside". I consider myself non-binary because of that, even though my presentation is fully female, and I'm much more comfortable in the female role. So I can relate to what you're saying.

Finding love has been a real challenge. It's been frustrating for me, though bisexual men and women seem most open to my particular gender alchemy.

As for your "true self", transgender people, like everyone else, are allowed to define our gender in whatever way seems most true to ourselves. My gender therapist discourages me from trying to figure out my own label and instead encourages me to decide how I want to live my life.

Does this help?

[barbiedollkimm]

Yes in some ways. I guess what I'm saying is do you feel that how the world perceives you can change your own perception of yourself? Or perhaps sway you enough to at least present as the way you are constantly being perceived?  I truly never had feelings of being born in the wrong sex. I feel like I created this woman because internally I'm a perfectionist so If I was being perceived as a woman then I had to create the perfect woman in my eyes, but more and more I feel my outward presentation does not match my mental makeup. I truly believe I should be presenting as a boy I was just so concerned that everyone saw a girl and I didn't want to disappoint.

[suzifrommd]

It's certainly true that I'm a conformist so I tailor my presentation to "fit in" while keeping as many individual details as I can. But as to which gender presentation would be most comfortable, the only answer I can think to give you, is to try out a male presentation and see how it works and feels. It's sort of the same advice I'd give someone who was female-assigned-at-birth who said what you said, that they felt they should be a boy.

Based on your story, a question arose. Feel free to ignore it if it's not helpful, but have you looked into whether you might be intersex?

[barbiedollkimm]

[img http://
image hosting 30 mb [/img]
No i haven't to be honest I maybe need to look into it. Here is me by the way.

[katrinaw]

Welcome to Susan's barbiedollkimm

You look pretty good in your picture...

We look forward to seeing you about the forums...

L Katy 

[stephaniec]

well. for me the only perception I care about is how I perceive myself. If someone says I'm pretty or gorgeous that's cool , but I don't use that as an absolute validation of my existence. I've lived with myself for a long time which makes me an expert on who I am. I would never use others perception of me as a guide to sanity. Its nice if people think certain  things about you and quite nice if they think highly of you , but that all comes from your self and who you are and how you relate to the world. accept yourself as you are and not the image that people create of you. The thing is people can have images of you , but these images are all being derived and based on the images knowingly or unknowingly they have of themselves.