Hello everyone. My name is Melitta Theodora Stafford. I live in Cookeville TN and I am new here at Susan's Place. I was referred to this site by a dear friend of mine. I am a member of a Gender Association here in Cookeville and thankful have had others in my area to reach out to. Without them I would still be scared to death to move forward in becoming my authentic self.
To tell you a little more about myself, I have always know that I was not a boy. It wasn't until puberty though that I actually started thinking to myself- wait I'm a girl. Years went by and I became more isolated than ever and as an only child that is saying something. In high school I grew my hair out, polished my nails, wore makeup, and carried a purse. All of these things were so natural but growing up in a small town it was also very dangerous. Finally I met a woman who was going through menopause and did not want her hormone medication, so she gave it to me. It was the best five weeks of my life. However, then things started to become very real for me. My boobs were sore and I noticed that I was going through changes that I never thought was imaginable, both physically and mentally. Then I realized if I continued with this I did not have many choices: 1. I tell someone else what I was going through , 2. I run away, 3. I quite and just continue living as a gay non-gender conforming man, or 4. kill myself. I first tried the later until I laid in the hospital bed realizing I had such a passionate fever to live. So without hesitation I decided to just put on my mask and live as a gender neutral gay man.
For years that identity worked for me. Almost so well that I started to believe it myself. But the dysphoria just started to pile up. I noticed that I wanted to wear more feminine accessories, shoes, bags, makeup, and most of all cardigans. I know it is strange but they are my weakness. One day while shopping with a friend they felt it necessary to tell me that I was trying on a woman's cardigan and it looked absolutely silly on me. To make the situation worse they bought me a button down polo shirt. (When I purged my closet that shirt was the first thing to go). I insisted on neutral pronouns and continued on with life.
Then something happened. I met HIM. He was unlike any boy that I have ever met before in my life. The cutest thing ever. Once he found out that I identified as gender neutral he confided in me that he himself was transgendered and invited me to the gender association. I stood in awe, because I had no idea something like that existed in my area. Without too much hesitation I finally made it to a meeting. It took one or two meetings before I finally decided to be honest with myself. I AM A WOMAN. Oh it feels so good to say it. To finally admit it to myself, to my Gods, etc...
No it has been two months since I started transitioning. I am out on social media. I have told my friends, my family, two out of three of my employers, I am in therapy, and both of my churches. I still go out as a boy but that is only because I have not worked through my anxiety. I am so terrified, but I am learning to take it one day at a time.
This is my story, in a nut shell, and I thank all of you for allowing me to share it with you.
Melitta Stafford
