Oh my gosh, it's been so many years ago to remember everything in detail. As a guy I was a angry and depressed all the time, had such a short fuse and would let anyone have it if they needed it. I had met my therapist during my divorce, a divorce from a woman who convinced me to transistion, which I am thankful for of that, but not thankful for trying to use my transgender issues against me in court for custody of my son, but I degress.
After the divorce I decided to see said therapist since my issues came out to her. And thru a couple of years of therapy and learning why I was so angry and depressed we decided I need to transistion. She knew I was to the point I needed to transistion or I was going to be dead from self harm or stress. I have been on hormones off and on for more than five years before meeting her and it was taking quite the toll with the emotional roller coaster. But being me, bound and determined not to let this get the best of me I decided to transistion. So on June 4th of 2009 Kayla was born. I remember my hair stylus asking me how I wanted my hair done. I simply said feminine, let's do it all and let the chips fall where they may. I figured if I can spend 40 years living my life for everyone else and pleasing them, making my self measurabable let them deal with it, I'm making myself happy for once.
Sure it hasn't been easy, anything I had that was male was either burned or tossed out or given away. I figured if I did that there wouldn't be any possibility of going back, going back to pure hell, no way. Sure I lost friends of a number of years. But I soon realized they weren't true friends, they were only friends who wanted things. I did lose family, yes my sisters and brothers and their families have pretty much turned their backs. But you know what I found out I don't need them in my life to be happy. I found out I didn't need all the toys or material things in my life. I found out I'm happy just being alive, as long as there is food on a table, a bed to sleep in and my husband next to me I'm good.
I didn't return to my therapist to get a letter for surgery, and the whole time visiting with her she was in just utter amazement on how different I am. Different not only in physical seance but emotionally stable and happy. Happy be sitting there carrying a conversation and being relaxed and more out going. She throughly enjoyed meeting my husband and seeing how he reminds her of my dad. Omg I married a man like my dad, who would have that. I sure wouldn't have.
So for me I had to find my happiness. What made Kayla happy? What did she like to do? See during my marriages to a female, I felt like I was in a gay relationship. I couldn't look at my wives as a husband should. I wanted to, but it just wasn't there for me, and they both knew I wasn't happy. I guess supporting them and buying houses and cars boats campers and quads, and providing for the children just was enough. It all had to change.
I have dated quite a few men, ok about 50 of them, so I'm a slut I'm sorry, had to make up for lost time I guess. I was starting to feel worthless and like that's all men wanted me for was sex. I had always thought of myself as a virtuous woman, but I wasn't living as one that's for sure. So one day I just had enough and told men that if they are going to treat me like a whore I would charge like one. That pretty much weeded out the rift raft. I had gottin to the point that the men I was dating didn't want a relationship, just to have fun. I mean there is only so much a girl can take, the constant flirting and being hit on got old. So I just stopped dating and wore a wedding band. Yeah the wedding band does work for a guy who is a gentlemen.
About two years into my transition a gal a few years my junior that grew up next to me became friends, then sisters. The best adice she gave me when I transistioned is " walk in there like you own the joint, like you belong there" when the bathroom issues came up or when someone would question me. Which thank god I never have been questioned, oh sorry only once when I was about to enter the men's rooms by mistake and a guy stopped me, lol, funny story there.
So here we are about five years into my transistion not dating, just working and having fun with the girls, when my husband came into my life. I knew he was special when he did t try and get into my pants. Special when he opens the doors for me, or but my flowers when I had a bad day. We do have our moments when I want to strangle him, when I'm thinking why men are the way they are. I thought I used to know how they thought, but comes to find out I never knew how men think. That's the reason my relationships with women never worked out, thought too much alike, I guess. Yes men can be pouty and clinical, but we can be moody and bitchy. Which he lets me know and puts up with anyways. He knows when I am having my time of the month thing going on. Which I find quite strange, since I can't find any info on the net about periods of transgender women. I remember I had cramps so bad it had me doubled over and crying, or the bloating, and the only thing my sister can say is "welcome to womanhood"
My best advice for you sweety is you got a second chance at life. Life as a female, life as a new person, leave the old crap behind. If we never stand a little rain we will never see a rainbow. Live life to the fullest and with out regrets. Depression is a killer and you are not alone, seek out friends and family and talk to them. I have made so many new friends, and old ones are starting to come around. Many people are scared of the unknown, I pride myself on educating others on our issues and how we feel. Many people are quite intrigued by the process of transistioning and very supportive. Hell complete strangers are more supportive than most of my family.
Best wishes Kayla
