Starting New

[lionheart]

I'm 7 months on T and I've lived in the same town for almost 10 years, but this summer I'm moving to pretty the other side of the country. I'm going into my junior year of high school, and this will be the third school I've gone to since I started high school.

I came out last year to a few of my close friends, and the word ended up spreading so it worked out pretty well. I switched schools this year to "start fresh" and be stealth, but I didn't start T until a couple months into the school year and for a while I had a lot of trouble passing. I ended up not making any friends, and I spent a lot of time mumbling or just avoiding talking altogether (which I'm afraid formed a bad habit, but that's an entirely different issue).

Since that didn't go so well, I like to consider it my "free trial". Now that I'm passing a lot more consistently, I really want to make this fresh fresh start work. But since I don't have a lot of experience with socializing as a cis male, I really don't know what to expect or how to handle it. On top of that, I hadn't been friends with a guy since about 4th grade up until last year, where I was friends with two guys who both ended up being super manipulative and just problematic in general so that didn't really help me at all.

My goal is to just go stealth and come out exclusively to people I'm either romantically involved with or very close to, but I'm worried about being outed or losing friends. I'm moving to a pretty liberal area (pacific northwest), so I try to tell myself I shouldn't worry as much as I do. But recently I heard that trans people tend to be more noticeable in more liberal areas since I guess they're used to seeing them and start to notice defining traits.

Really I just want to lead a normal life as a "cis" guy without feeling guilt for keeping a "secret" from people I really care about. Clearly I don't have a whole lot of experience with this and not having any idea what to expect is my biggest cause of anxiety right now. I really just need some advice, or even personal experiences from similar situations.

[sam1234]

It sounds like this is a good opportunity to remain stealth. Problems really start in fifth grade. There is a split in school, as in boys and girls. Up til then, kids are treated the same. If people know you are a transgender, you have a chance at being a male, no questions asked. Gym would be a problem, but if you can get your parents to write a letter to get you out of gym for some reason other than you are a transgender, that won't be a worry.


You have a hard choice to make when it comes to dating and friends. Once you out yourself to anyone, its going to get around. People tend to like gossip, and being a transgender would definately make for good gossip. If you do want to date, its risky in highschool. Both guys and girls get intimate, not as in sex but in touching. If you don't go further than a kiss, the girls would wonder why, and the guys might think you are gay. This doesn't always hold true, but you would need to be careful.

The other problem with telling a girlfriend is that if you breakup and it was a bad breakup, the girl might spread your status around. Usually, I think that if you are dating, then the girl needs to know,, but at the highschool level its a tough call.

You will work things out. If you are having small problems passing, remember that some cis guys develop secondary sex characteristics faster than others. Not every guy's voice drops until later, and they may retain an androgynous look to them for a while. Anyway, you are in a good position to be stealth and I hope your success continues.

sam1234

[Greeneyedrebel]

Guy socialization tip: personal space. Ever seen male casual acquaintances in public, like a store or the mall? They have more space between then than females tend to. (At least down here in the deep south....) Less random touching, more likely to elbow you while laughing at a joke than to touch with fingers or hands.

Girls may cram 5 of themselves into a three person couch....guys may feel crowded as hell with 3 on a three person couch and really prefer two.

Spend some time watching the guys in the area you move to and emulate them.

[lionheart]

Guy socialization tip: personal space. Ever seen male casual acquaintances in public, like a store or the mall? They have more space between then than females tend to. (At least down here in the deep south....) Less random touching, more likely to elbow you while laughing at a joke than to touch with fingers or hands.

Girls may cram 5 of themselves into a three person couch....guys may feel crowded as hell with 3 on a three person couch and really prefer two.

Spend some time watching the guys in the area you move to and emulate them.

This is interesting, I've never heard it before but it makes sense. I'll definitely try to take note on the behavior of guys my age, thanks for the tip.

It sounds like this is a good opportunity to remain stealth. Problems really start in fifth grade. There is a split in school, as in boys and girls. Up til then, kids are treated the same. If people know you are a transgender, you have a chance at being a male, no questions asked. Gym would be a problem, but if you can get your parents to write a letter to get you out of gym for some reason other than you are a transgender, that won't be a worry.


You have a hard choice to make when it comes to dating and friends. Once you out yourself to anyone, its going to get around. People tend to like gossip, and being a transgender would definately make for good gossip. If you do want to date, its risky in highschool. Both guys and girls get intimate, not as in sex but in touching. If you don't go further than a kiss, the girls would wonder why, and the guys might think you are gay. This doesn't always hold true, but you would need to be careful.

The other problem with telling a girlfriend is that if you breakup and it was a bad breakup, the girl might spread your status around. Usually, I think that if you are dating, then the girl needs to know,, but at the highschool level its a tough call.

I'm not too worried about gym to be honest, I'm gonna try to take it online but if not I'll hopefully have my top surgery by the time I decide to get it over with.

That's my biggest fear I think, people spreading the word if I tell them. Although I have some trust issues I think i t would like to be open with my friends about these kinds of things, but it's hard to determine when the right time is to tell them. I don't have a whole lot of sexual desire in the first place, which is kind of an issue within itself, but I constantly worry that that tied in with my gender is gonna cause me a lot of trouble in dating. I know people are starting to be more accepting of that and whatnot, but I feel like it'll at least narrow down my dating pool pretty significantly.

[Dalex]

Well, I can't really write from experience being stealth, but I think you should also not worry too much about being yourself. I do know some transguys actually end up being way too overly concerned with passing, to the extent that it makes them loose out on a few things.

I think really, just be confident in who you are, and what you are. I know this might be a bit cliché of me to say, but confidence in yourself can actually take you pretty far and as the saying goes, fake it till you make it. Not many might agree with me in that case, since people usually seem to assume I'm telling people to hide their depression and such with a smile. I'm not saying that. From experience, I have noticed when I confidently introduce myself with my name, people are less likely to question it. Though, when I'm a nervous ball of nerves, I have noticed that people more likely to question it.

I can believe going stealth is a bit tricky, but I can also see the appeal to it, something I am actually considering myself at some point. I'm going to finish this with wishing you luck! Moving can be a pain, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders so I'm sure you will do fine

[Felix]

Before I got pregnant I tended to flit from one town to another, and since nobody knew me I would introduce myself as male. I was a teenager so looking young wasn't the problem then that it can be now. It was awesome and I was really happy with how casually people accepted me as a regular guy. Even when I was outed it wasn't a big deal because I was a nobody and I didn't stay in one place long.

Now it's different. I can be stealth in most situations if I want to be, but once one person knows then everybody in a mile radius finds out within a day or two. People gossip. Also I don't know what part of the pacific northwest you'll be in, but in Portland and Seattle and Olympia there's a pretty informed populace and we get wide acceptance but also we get clocked much more easily than in most towns.

I don't think you should ever count on your trans status remaining private.

[jumpthenexttrain]

There's always the option of doing high school online. I dropped out when I was 16 to transition. I did online school for awhile but couldn't focus (I'm adhd, the tedious online thing didn't work for me) so I ended up dropping out of that and getting my GED which was much faster and easier. Instead of going to school I chose to work instead. It was worth it.

[lionheart]

Now it's different. I can be stealth in most situations if I want to be, but once one person knows then everybody in a mile radius finds out within a day or two. People gossip. Also I don't know what part of the pacific northwest you'll be in, but in Portland and Seattle and Olympia there's a pretty informed populace and we get wide acceptance but also we get clocked much more easily than in most towns.

Yeah, that's what I heard. I am gonna be in the Seattle area so that's definitely one of my concerns. But I'm just curious as to what the situation is like in high school. Last year I knew 4 other transguys that went to my school, but I also went to a pretty big school. However, none of them were on T and it was in a much more conservative area so it's kind of hard to base it off that.