Explaining transgender to others... never presume they "get it"...

[Ms Grace]

The subject of trans guys came up in a discussion with my mother yesterday. She was talking about how they'd want to do "masculine" things genetic men could do (like lifting or certain sports) but they "wouldn't be strong enough". I realised she didn't know trans guys usually took testosterone so gave her a quick overview on that and the effects usually associated with T, and told her about the guy who might end up on the cover of that men's health mag. I guess I had presumed because she knew I was on female HRT that she'd connect the dots with trans guys. I was wrong. It wasn't a face to face chat so I didn't show her any pics but I think I will next time I catch up with her.

So yeah, never presume people understand something about transgender - obviously you can't tell them everything at once or for what you do tell them to sink in and make sense but keep in mind that people often don't connect the dots nor do they fully understand the nuances of the process and treatment associated with transition. This is why we seem to need to keep re explaining some things even with supportive people. At least my mother is open to knowing more... it would be like banging my head against a brick wall if she wasn't.

Have you had an experience where you've realised someone clearly doesn't understand transgender?

[synesthetic]

(TW for misgendering)

I thought my dad pretty much understood the basics of what being transgender is, but the moment I heard him say "so he's a guy as a girl?" in reference to a trans woman it hit me like a brick wall that he didn't. Thankfully (as far as I know) I think he's still supportive of trans people, just incredibly uninformed.

I wish there was a stronger public understanding of what being trans is, then things like this wouldn't come up as often.

[Ms Grace]

I wonder if we should just presume that the majority of cis gender people will never fully understand??

[BenKenobi]

I think presuming anything is incredibly rude. Especially in the trans community that i have seen where they won't even bother trying to explain and would just rather use snarky retorts. And Google only helps so much. There's a lot of misinformation out there and if someone doesn't know the first thing about something they're going to have a bad time searching and it'll only end up worse.

It is frustrating but it is incredibly complex. Can you really blame them for "not getting it" right off the bat? It's an odd concept to the average person. I mean, people still equate sex and gender as the same thing. Telling them otherwise already makes minds explode

[Devlyn]

A good rule of thumb may be "Give them as long as it took you to 'get it' before assuming they never will."

Hugs, Devlyn

[Laura_7]

I like the biological explanation...

-there are differences in brains of males and females
-before birth because of different times of development of brain and body its possible that they do not match
-people feel this in an individual spectrum, thats why its a transgender spectrum
-its nobodys fault, neither that of the tg person nor that of parents upbringing, the internet or whatever

-x or y is not decisive, hormones are. After srs, the tissue of the former penis reacts to estrogen like a vagina. Some neovaginas start self lubricating after some time.

-Gender identity and sexual preference are two different things. People are not necessarily gay. They might be but its another thing.

hugs

[Dena]

My female neighbor had been dropping all sorts of hints about gays and I admit with my size and not quite feminine voice added to the fact I am pretty smart for the average woman, I figured she already knew so I started talking to her. I am over 16 hours of explaining things to her and she is very receptive. The problem is we have years of understanding and attempting to pack that much information into their head in a short period of time just doesn't work. Adults also have a limited attention span and once you hit that limit, it stops soaking in. Expect several sessions to get the basics in at best. Also don't forget they try to put it into terms they understand and that can really mess things up. We are something they haven't thought about much if any and most likely they have misconceptions to deal with.

[Ms Grace]

A good rule of thumb may be "Give them as long as it took you to 'get it' before assuming they never will."

There's no denying it is a long and ongoing conversation.

[rachel89]

i've encountered cis-people who really get it (as much as a cis-person really can) and cis-people who totally don't get it. I find the "trapped in the wrong body" narrative is only useful for the most unsophisticated people. For me it goes much deeper than the "wrong body" narrative. For me finding common ground with cis-people (where I live, its alcohol, tobacco, and firearms )often helps

[suzifrommd]

My friend Sybil, who is usually a very intelligent, savvy person. When she found out I was transitioning, she sent me links to all sorts of S&M and alternative sex sites since I was now "willing to trying new things."

[Rachel]

For some reason a lot of cis people I come out to think I am gay. When I tell them it is not possible they have a confused look. When I explain they generally get it, I think. 

[Dee Marshall]

A good rule of thumb may be "Give them as long as it took you to 'get it' before assuming they never will."

Hugs, Devlyn

I can't wait another 54 years!

I have a friend who says she understands and supports me. I mentioned my desire for an orchi if I can't go for GRS. She said, "you don't want to do that!" I just looked at her.

I can't really blame her. For all intents and purposes, we're aliens. They can't really understand us and I'm not convinced that we can understand them.

[Mariah]

Cynthia that has been the big one I have had to deal with and that is some seem to correlate transgender with being gay. Then I have to explain that gender and sexual attraction are two separate things.
Mariah

[awkward-shark]

A friend of mine, who is very open minded and smart, once told me the story of a friend of hers, a cis-gender lesbian who started dating a transgender woman. Her initial words were "When I saw her girlfriend... it was guy!" I was puzzled, at first I thought her friend was dating a cis-gender man or a very masculine woman. Then she said "it was a man dressed like a girl". She thought this was weird because her friend was a lesbian to wich I said "oh, but she's not a man! She's a transgender woman, so she's a woman and since your friend likes women it's not weird at all". She looked at me confused (why would a lesbian want to date someone with a penis, right?). No matter how much I tried to explain her that it wasn't weird at all, she never got it, and she kept misgendering her friend's girlfriend btw...
At that time I was starting to question my gender and I realized that I just couldn't talk about this with anyone.

[Lynne]

When I came out to my parents I wrote a letter explaining my problem in detail and the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity. We talked about it and all seemed well at first and I presumed that they really understood what I tried to tell them.

But later when things started to get more serious my parents started to ask questions which shown how much they misunderstood the concepts.

For example my mother insisted that I go to a urologist because somehow she thought that a urologist can tell me if I'm transgender or not. I told her that the only reason to see a urologist is to get the letter for my name and gender change request and possibly a for checkup before surgery but nothing else.

Despite that I told them numerous times that this problem is not a new thing for me they always tried to 'blame' it on my new trans* friends somehow.

My father once asked me if I'm on HRT and when I said that I'm not, he said that is good and if I want to take any hormones just take testosterone and that will cure me.

Later when I told them that I have an MtF girlfriend they did not understand that if she is a girl why I have to be a girl as well, why not just stay as I am and we would be a 'normal' couple.
And a similar question came up later as well when they didn't seem to understand that just because we are both transgender that does not mean we cannot be in a lesbian relationship with eachother as any other girls could be.

And it seems that until I'm not finished with the legal side of the transition and go full time they just don't take this very seriously despite that I told them a lot of times that this will not go away and I don't like when they refer to me as 'son' even though legally I'm still their son.

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

It is way beyond many humans that their perception of reality is different from others' perceptions, or from reality itself.

When my mother was hungry, she always wanted me to eat something.

[MugwortPsychonaut]

I wonder if we should just presume that the majority of cis gender people will never fully understand??

Maybe, but we do know for certain that parents just don't understand.

[Melitta]

I have had to approach this in two separate ways. The first manner was telling my family. They are a fairly simple sort of peoples and all I said is: I have been this way my whole life. This is what I am doing. I love you and would love to know I have your support. I am the same person I have always been I am not changing who I am, I am just letting you see me how I have always seen myself. This is typically enough and we move on. Then I take the time to answer any question they may have.

The second is to my friends. Most are fairly educated and knows that I have identified as gender fluid for years now so the conversation is a little more relaxed with them. It typically goes something like: I am a woman, my name is Melitta, yes I prefer female pronouns, this is a transition for the both of us. I will continue to be understanding as we both adjust to this.

It seems to go well in both instances, but I know that is not always the case. I find having links and sources of information that tI can provide them really seems to help.

Melitta Stafford

[LatrellHK]

While I was in school, almost every project I did that left me with free rein ended up being about transgenders. As a result, I've (effectively I hope) educated a few classmates who previously could admit to not even knowing the word transgender until then. I know cisgender people will probably never get the concept, cause its waaaaay different from sexuality, but people like my aunts and uncles on my moms side, unfortunately the closer side, seem to think that if I'm just confused. They think that because I identify as lesbian atm, but I'm transitioning to male so I am in fact straight. They think it has everything to do with moving from Chicago and in a way they're right. I moved from there to an open-minded area, full of LGBT people an my best friend who seems to be fine with this, though I had to explain the difference between a strapon an packer lol.

I try getting the ones my age though. Older adults are stuck in their mindset, it's iffy if they'll ever get it. Teenagers and kids are still developing opinions and its always shifting, so those are ones I feel you talk to first. Gives you more time to get them to understand. But I'm giving my family until I'm 36 for them to understand. I came to terms with it when I was 17, but really started working on it when I turned 18 and had control. If they don't get it in 18 yrs like I did, its no longer my concern.