So confused -- big life changes recently

[unsureofanything]

Hello,

I just joined your lovely community and haven't had much time to look around, but found this forum from ->-bleeped-<-, thank you!

First off, let me say I'm a late 20s M who has been fooling around a lot with crossdressing, expressing my feminine side and the likes. I've always had an admiration for MTF people and feel such envy towards them. I often wish I could live like a woman and wear such gorgeous clothes, show off my body and feel confident in it.

I don't think I lack confidence as a male, but i'm not exactly brimming with it either. I'm currently going through a divorce. While we were married, on a few occasions, my wife jokingly brought up the idea of doing my makeup (she doesn't know I crossdress) and I tried to hide my happiness and reluctantly accept. Things ended because we just weren't compatible in so many ways (in and out of the bed room) so I have no hard feelings about it. Just that I regret rushing to marry her. (luckily no kids)

I guess my confusion comes from my lack of understanding as to how the trans brain functions. I'm not sure if my fascination, envy and desire all come from a place of sexual frustration or a desire for that lively hood. I wish I had just been born a woman so I wouldn't have to deal with this decision. It makes the idea of just fooling around in my own time in private is enough, but it isn't.

I am still very much attracted to females with only slight curiosity with males. I have had sexual relations with 2 MTF people. And it was amazing.

I recently also shaved my legs for the first time. It took forever, but it was worth it! I've shaved my chest many times in the past, but this was different. Made me feel soooo good! So, i went online and bought an at-home laser hair removal device. Can't wait for it to arrive. Going to start with my chest, shoulders and back. Then consider what to do from there being that it's permanent and all..

I guess my question is: For anyone, did it start for you as something seemingly innocent (crossdressing, physical attraction to MTFs, doing makeup, etc) and develop into more? How do you know if it's just a sexual fantasy or something much more?

Sooo confused right now...

Thanks for listening!

[suzifrommd]

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guess my question is: For anyone, did it start for you as something seemingly innocent (crossdressing, physical attraction to MTFs, doing makeup, etc) and develop into more? How do you know if it's just a sexual fantasy or something much more?

What you're talking about is very common. Maybe most people here had the same experience.

In my opinion, if you'd actually like to live as a woman instead of just using it to get turned on, it isn't just a sexual fantasy.

A good gender therapist might help you sort this stuff out. Please keep posting.

[Jacqueline]

Unsure,

Everyone's trip is different. How we reach a decision is equally individual. There are many similarities in what led us to our conclusions. Timelines vary hugely. My therapist asked me a question that I will toss in your general direction. If you are depressed and maybe going through a midlife crisis(not saying you are, you're way too young) would the first logical explanation be that you are transgendered? If you are asking the question, you are often on the spectrum somewhere.

I have been secretly cross dressing to greater or smaller degrees since I was 9. When I was a teen, there was a sexual component that was tied to the act. I thought I just had a kink. I also thought I could stop. Many purgings of clothing later...

I am 50 and only realized last January the length of time that this has all been going on. I also just realized that it is not the sexual aspect that has driven this "compulsion".

As I understand it, there are cross dressers who will dress and relieve whatever stress creeps up in this general manor. However, once they are done, they immediately change back into male clothes. They are happy with that and just have to occasionally dress for some purpose. I used to think I was in that category. However, I realized that I never wanted to change back out of the clothes or the role.

Long story, short, that was my discovery over the last 5-6 months.

I wish you luck in your exploration. So sorry to hear about your divorce. Don't make any drastic decisions till the pain of that wears off. I would highly suggest seeing a therapist if you can. They provide a great objective perspective.

As in all things, your mileage may vary.

Take care and I hope your progress is informative. It can be quite a journey and I am really only on step one or two myself. They are very good people here.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

[unsureofanything]

Do you have any idea where I could go about finding a gender therapist in the GTA of Ontario?

[unsureofanything]

Unsure,

Everyone's trip is different. How we reach a decision is equally individual. There are many similarities in what led us to our conclusions. Timelines vary hugely. My therapist asked me a question that I will toss in your general direction. If you are depressed and maybe going through a midlife crisis(not saying you are, you're way too young) would the first logical explanation be that you are transgendered? If you are asking the question, you are often on the spectrum somewhere.

Thank you Joanna.

This has been something that has been going on with me for quite a while as well. I dressed up occasionally in elementary school. Using my mom's clothes and makeup.

Then some more in high school, but I never had the privacy I felt I needed to really explore it. University wasn't much different. No privacy, but dressing up occasionally with stuff from the internet.

I'm not sure how much my divorce is playing into it. I knew we were incompatible really. It was just fear of admitting to myself that i had made a mistake by marring her. But it's true that I shouldn't do anything drastic during the interim. Although, she did inflict a lot of sexual neglect (refusing to have sex with me for months at a time, the longest being 4 months). That may have <screwed> me up further, but I was already on this path...

*mod edit- no profanity please