Advice on coming out to my sister

[RavenL]

I'm trying to work up the courage to come out to my sister. Really so I can have someone to finally talk over the phone with. Me and her have always been pretty close. I just haven't talked to her a lot since she lives in another state and our schedules are weird so not a lot of chat time. I can tell she's already sure that there's something different about me. Since one day she asked in passing if I was gay since I never talk about having a girlfriend or anything. To which I replied that I wasn't.

I'm 90% sure she'll be supportive of me. Since she went to college to become a social worker so she's pretty tolerant of everyone. The only thing that bothers me is over the phone she told me about trans MtF that did some training for her class. And said how she really did not look female and looked like a guy in a dress. So on that end I'm still a little hesitate.

I just really need some advice on how to open up to her. I don't have anything to do with rest of my family for other reasons. So I don't care to lose my sister also and not have any family at all.   

[Dena]

The way you talk about her, I think the best opening line would be "I am ready to tell the truth and I think you already know it".

[Ms Grace]

Even tolerant people have prejudices they're not aware of. Maybe test the water first and discuss Kaitlyn Jenner since she's the go to talking point on transgender at the moment - see what she says and see if trying to correct anything off key she says gets you anywhere. I know you mentioned you were going to see a therapist in another thread so maybe wait until you've talked things through with them and have a clearer idea of what you need from your sister by way of support and acceptance.

[Mariah]

Hi Raven. As much as we think we know how people will respond we never know tell we tell them. I agree with Grace that testing the water someway would be a good way to get an idea. For me testing the water was easy, but that is because my sister's closet and makeup were raided to many times to count when were kids. So my way of breaking the ice came down to those things that I had actively tried to deny or hide knowing no one really bought it. I can only hope things go as well coming out to your sister as they did for me. I'm sure you will find you own way to share this news with her. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[RavenL]

Dena thanks, but I'm pretty sure she has no idea at all. I've never mentioned anything in passing that would give her any idea. Well actually when she did talk about Mtf that trained her she did ask my opinion. She did not expect me to have no problem with it. So we did have a discussion for awhile and she did realize that she was being silly. She did ask me a couple weeks after that if I liked guys so maybe who knows?

Grace and Mariah, I was actually thinking the same thing about bringing up Kaitlyn Jenner. I might test the waters Monday. ff course who knows what direction it well go in? But most likely I'll wait till after talking to my therepist before doing anything.

Hugs from Raven to all of you!

[RavenL]

Update: I worked up the courage today and started talking to her on Facebook this morning. Grace I used that advice you gave me and asked in passing her thoughts on Kaitlyn Jenner. She was totally fine with it and said she looked amazing. After that she asked my thoughts and I just said it was very brave of her. She was kind of surprised I said that and was like "wow, that's different coming from you." She had to get back to work but later on gave me a phone call. She asked me how I was doing and everything told her fine just a little stressed at the moment. And she kept asking me why and I kept saying I really don't want to say. She finally just came out and said she would not judge me for anything and I had her full support. I was still a little nervous and wouldn't say. So she went are you coming out as gay? And I said no then bi again nope. And then she finally said are you trans because that's perfectly ok! So I finally opened up to her. And Dena you were right! She told me she always thought something was off about me and said I've never acted comfortable as a male.

I think she really knew more about me that I did myself. Since she told me I haven't really been happy since I was ten or so. And always acted like I was mad at the world and did not care about anybody. And how my interests always seem to change every few months. I can't describe how happy that made me! The biggest compliment I got was when I did send her a picture and she flat out told me I look better as a female then a male. Also that I looked a lot like my mom and other sister. And how my body type really has never suited me in male clothes. 

We ended up talking for almost four hours. And I already have her jealous that I'm able to walk in wedges and she can't. She is super happy and supportive of me. And told me she's always wanted another sister. She also said I act so much happier and much more soft spoken. So now she is trying to figure out a way to fly out here as soon as possible to hang out.

[Mariah]

That's fantastic Raven, Congrats. Hugs
Mariah

[RavenL]

Thanks Mariah hugs back. She called me back a few minutes ago and I was so happy when she said "What's up Raven?" And she's jealous I have a better name then hers!

I really know for sure this is the right thing for me now. I'm so happy right now!

[Dena]

I like it when I get one right but what is far more important is that you made a good judgement call and your sister is so accepting of you. I don't think this will be the last conversation on this subject but I believe that this experience will draw both of you closer together. There will be tough times ahead but the support of your sister will help you pull through them. Nicely done.

[RavenL]

Dena both of us can tell already just after a few hours we are much more closer. Now actually having a family member to talk to makes it so much better.

Now the big one I have left is my mom. I live with her since she can't really take care of herself. She keeps to herself most of the time, she has major depression issues it runs on her side of the family. But she's even starting to notice something is different. Since ten minutes in the bathroom has turned into an hour or more. Also I'm really bad about keeping my female mannerisms hidden around the house. I was planning to to wait and out myself once HRT starts showing signs of progress. But I really don't think I can hide myself everyday for months.

[Dena]

Telling your mother sounds like it's going to be a much harder call but something else to consider is when your sister will be visiting you. It would be nice to tell your mother before that but you may need your sister besides you when you tell your mother. The depression complicates things greatly and you may need to make a judgment call on this. My family didn't throw me out but it took may years of determined effort to win them over. The support of your sister may help win your mother over.

[RavenL]

Dena, I'm dreading my mom more the anything else right now. Bad thing is my sister started a new job and won't have vacation for months right now. Which right now with things are rolling won't be soon enough. Plus my mother never even talks to my sister at all or anyone else for that matter. I have one other sister just a state away. But she's racist and anti LGBT just like my father. So she is really out of the question.

I mean I'm tempted just to out myself Monday on my day off. Having to play a male for forty hours a week at work. And then one rest of the time till she goes to bed is making me want to explode. Plus having to hid everything and explain the large amount of stuff from UPS is going to get hard quickly.

[Dena]

I agree that tends to push the timeline sooner than latter. Sister #2 might come around some day but it will be long after you no longer need her. I know you said you need to be with your mother to care for her but another question comes to mind. Are you able to live independently? That is a possible outcome from breaking the news to your mother. Your mother might live with another relative. Depending on how bad she is, she could end up in a care facility or just kick you out and live by herself for however long that last. This is one that you are in the best position to answer because you understand far more about your mothers condition than any of us do.
The only advice I can give you is think this out with your head and not you heart because a mistake at this point could be costly.

[RavenL]

Dana, I'm able to live independently easily by myself if it came to that. Its highly doubt full that my mother would chose to live with someone else. Since she's really broken ties with everyone and I mean everyone. So she really has no where to go. I know for a fact that she would have no desire to kick me out. She can't make it by herself since I do everything from housework, cooking and grocery shopping. Plus there's no way she could afford to pay for the house alone and would be foreclosed on in months. As for moving to a care facility I've brought that up in the past with her. And she flat out told me she had no desire to do that. I mean she is super super docile and I haven't seen her mad in more then two years. So I don't think I need to worry about a big yelling contest.

I might just use the same thing that I did with my sister. And just go really really slow and ask a few questions about me. And depending really go from there. One thing that might work that I just thought of. Since I do play video games in our living room she always see's me playing female characters. And I always give them light red hair like my natural hair color and name them Raven. And she's asked me many times why I always play females with red hair. Also the fact that I've switched from collecting male action figures to mainly female. Like you said Dena I'm going to think with my brain on this and not my heart.

Thank you, Raven

[RavenL]

Oh my I managed to do it! My mom wasn't upset or anything. She just thought I would've been gay however. No crying or yelling at all. She even supports me being female full time around the house. She just says its going to take some used to seeing me different and calling me Raven. I told her its going to be really hard for me as well. I'm just super happy that I've managed to make that hurdle. I was worried more about my mom then coming out in public.

[Dena]

Congratulations on being out of the closet (or bathroom) with your family. That takes a lot of courage and you are over the hard part. Now you need to start preparing yourself for coming out at work but it sounds like you have a few people there who can help. To be honest with you, I think you may have been very bad at passing as a male because it seems everybody had you clocked before you came out.

[RavenL]

Oh thank you Dena! It wasn't easy but I figure if worse comes to worse I can support myself. I might even tell sister #2 since it really doesn't matter what she thinks to me.

As for work I've made the goal just go out myself when I start taking HRT. I've given it some thought and I have three people that I trust. So I'm going to go ahead and let them know. Hopefully that will help me feel a little more comfortable. Also one manager who makes it no secret that he's gay. And he's becoming really worried about me.

[Jerri]

you go girl,
I remember all of the crazy thoughts, fears, and anxiety attacks that I went through coming out. I also especially remember how great it felt after each goal was passed. It didnt matter if or how it played out, I dont think it ever went as my mind expected but my feelings just exploded each and every step.

congrats on being you Raven

[RavenL]

Aww thanks Jerri hugs,
I think inside my head I'm really just thinking worst case all the time. And once I get over that hurdle its going to be down hill.

[RavenL]

I just wanted to give an update on sister #2. At the advice of my therapist today I sent her an email this evening and told her what has been going on in my life. And well I ended up having a very long talk on the phone with her. Which is amazing since its the first time in two years I've spoken to her. She was kind of at a lost for words but wasn't upset or angry with me at all. She still loves me and we've made up our past differences. It does feel a lot better to have both my sisters beside of me for support now. I guess I really misjudged her.