Dealing with anxiety

[Felicity R]

Hi everyone,

I had a question for you all about tips for dealing with anxiety pre-transition?

I doubt I'm alone in this, but I often (read that: 5 to 6 times a week) find myself dealing with rather severe bouts of anxiety that leave me feeling very down. Specifically, I will get stuck in a loop thinking about how uncomfortable I feel living as a cismale, how desperately I want to begin making concrete steps towards transition, but how I currently don't have the means to do so (a combination of living at home, combined with jobs that don't pay enough for me to change that, means I'm sort of stuck for the moment).

Typically these anxiety bouts tend to hit when I'm alone, but on occasion they'll hit at the least opportune time, such as when I'm at work. Both of my jobs rely on my being a very personable, conversational person, as I work in both a customer service position as well as working as a reporter (which, aside from the writing itself is all about interacting with people). I find that this is next to impossible when I feel this way. I will get so anxious and generally inconsolable that I find myself irritated with everyone around me, and the only thing I can do is hide everything until I get home. Even then I don't talk to my family about it.

I'm looking into seeing a gender therapist when I get back from a trip out of state the end of this month, and I think finally just having an outlet to talk will help, but do you all have any advice in the mean time?

Thanks,

Felicity

[Majj Wynn]

The therapist is good.
Though personally I haven't had good luck with therapists, but that was partially my fault, I didn't know how to open up or what was really the issue. It'd be different now, but anyway I just become my own therapist, the best I can. I've delt a lot with anxiety, and i can relate to some of the stuff you're talking about..

Really what it came down to, for me, is prioritizing my well-being over anything else. Yes, I get uncomfortable about not being able to show who I really am, feel like there's so much lacking, but when I get caught in those loops like you're talking about, I try to remember that the thing I want the most in life is to be happy, no matter what, and that I know what I want, and know that I care about it, and that helps me recognize that I'm doing the best I can,.. and as soon as something opens up, towards transitioning, and just being more of myself, I'll take it, because I care. I don't have to worry about it, it doesn't help.

I take a lot of time for myself too though. If I didn't, I'd get overwhelmed with all the worries and expectations and all that. I'm learning to care for myself, basically.

So, for now all I can think to say is, when the means become available to you, take them. and until then, no matter the state of your body, know that you're still you (inside, which is where it counts most). take care of yourself

hugs.

[Ms Grace]

Anxiety and panic attacks can be hard to deal with in the moment. The important thing is to realise what your triggers are and devise ways and means to head them off. The mind can dwell on things that worry, concern and upset us way too easily, but giving yourself a different script can help break you out of the loop. Instead of "this is never going to happen" use "I can make this happen". Instead of "I hate being a man" try "I am a woman and soon I will be free". Yes, 'soon' might still be a year or two away but in the overall scheme of things you'll be on the other side of that before you know it.

[Felicity R]

Majj Wynn,

I think that might be one of my biggest weaknesses. I've spent virtually my entire life unhappy, because I was trying to make everyone else happy by not rocking the boat and burying who I was. That's changed recently, which I've noticed has actually helped. I've gone from just being horribly depressed all the time, and just hiding it, to being able to cope with it a bit more knowing I have a definitive goal now. Sometimes it still feels selfish to me, pursuing transition, like I'll be letting my family down or something. I'm done letting that get in my way though.

Ms Grace,

Thank you for that. I like the idea of flipping the script like that, and I will definitely try that the next time I feel myself being pulled into one of those anxiety loops.

[emyrinth]

Ms Grace has it so far as how you face them. Another good thing is getting into therapy, even if its not a gender therapist having someone you can open up to and talk to without hiding yourself is a huge benefit.  You can also look into anti-anxiety medications. There was a point when I got so bad I could barely get out of the house except to work. What really bad is that like you I deal with the public quite a bit and my anxiety was making it nearly impossible to do that and keep a good face on.

[Majj Wynn]

I think that might be one of my biggest weaknesses. I've spent virtually my entire life unhappy, because I was trying to make everyone else happy by not rocking the boat and burying who I was. That's changed recently, which I've noticed has actually helped. I've gone from just being horribly depressed all the time, and just hiding it, to being able to cope with it a bit more knowing I have a definitive goal now. Sometimes it still feels selfish to me, pursuing transition, like I'll be letting my family down or something. I'm done letting that get in my way though.

Ahh, I see. Yeh that's really hard. I'm not sure why I've cared so much about what others think of me myself, putting them ahead of me, because, in a sense, I don't really care what they think, I just want to be me. I say that, but considering my social anxiety, I clearly do care what they think, I'm scared of being judged, rejected, having to fend for myself or even fight with society just to be me. I know it's irrational, but that's what the fear conveys, ya know? There's a certain point where we have to realize it's just the emotions, and the truth is we deserve to be ourselves, everyone does. And if others wouldn't accept that, they probably would have trouble accepting their real self too, being who they think they're 'supposed' to be. Ya know, there's a lot of BS in society. Sometimes you just have to rise above it, and it hurts, but you know it's right.

There Are a lot of ways to help things along, and that's what a therapist can help with. That and reading self-help books, that's mostly what I do, besides simply contemplating and trying out ways to better things, mostly how I feel and think about things..
I can say that it does get better and better, even if it's slow on some fronts. Ya just keep at it. You kind of have no choice but to be yourself, at some point anyway. Others can suck it (just felt like saying that )

[michelle82]

Therapy has definitely helped me with that. As well as friends. You should reach out to any local trans support groups or find some trans people in your community. Relating to someone who is like you is very therapeutic. The anxiety continued for me even after I started transition. There are different challenges that you will face, so having the right support structures early on is very smart.

[JoanneB]

Try not to let yourself get overwhelmed by thinking of all the seemingly big steps or firsts that you need to conquer towards transitioning. There are lots of baby-steps that you can be taking right now. Plenty of internal and external steps. One that is taking a lot of time for me is learning how to loose the ton of baggage accumulated during a lifetime of trying not to be trans. Being nicer/easier on yourself. Seeing a therapist, even a generalist who is T-friendly. A for-real gender therapist may be hard to find if you aren't in a big metro area.

[Tiffanie]

Anxiety is so tough {{hugs}}

I've spent virtually my entire life unhappy, because I was trying to make everyone else happy by not rocking the boat and burying who I was.

This exact issue is the source ... was the source of so many of my issues.  At some point you have to do what's best for you, but that's not always easy.  Talking helps ... even online talking, but face to face with a therapist is often the best.

[Anastazja]

Ah, Ms. Grace always seems to have the right advice! Changing your internal narrative is such a great idea!!!  This is something I have been wrestling with myself and it is good to know that there are other people out there who are going and gone through the same thing that you and I are currently facing.  Anxiety is tough and it seems to come up at the most inopportune times but you just have to remember that it is all in your head and that is the one place you are totally in control.  All my love. 


-Ana

[Dee Marshall]

Anxiety is so tough {{hugs}}

This exact issue is the source ... was the source of so many of my issues.  At some point you have to do what's best for you, but that's not always easy.  Talking helps ... even online talking, but face to face with a therapist is often the best.

And when you do resolve to do for you it is sooo easy to backslide. I just went through a bout of that. Hopefully this time I won't do it again. The nice thing is, if you just keep with the HRT and other preparations, eventually you reach the tipping point and backsliding becomes impossible.

[Felicity R]

Try not to let yourself get overwhelmed by thinking of all the seemingly big steps or firsts that you need to conquer towards transitioning. There are lots of baby-steps that you can be taking right now. Plenty of internal and external steps. One that is taking a lot of time for me is learning how to loose the ton of baggage accumulated during a lifetime of trying not to be trans. Being nicer/easier on yourself. Seeing a therapist, even a generalist who is T-friendly. A for-real gender therapist may be hard to find if you aren't in a big metro area.

I don't live in the most trans friendly state (I'm from Utah), but I do at least live near a larger city, so finding a therapist shouldn't be too hard. I actually just got a short list of reccomended therapists from the director of the LGBT resource center I frequent. There's also a chance I might qualify for a lower cost gender therapist out of the counseling center of the university where I work. I'm not entirely sure if I'd qualify though since I only work there part-time.

I've also been considering seeing the Director of the center, since he run's his own private practice. He's a LCSW who is also transgender, and is thankfully within my price range as I don't have insurance. My only concern about seeing him would be any potential awkwardness of seeing him regularly outside of our sessions, because he's always there at the center.

Regardless of which I choose, I'm hopeful that seeing a therapist will help.

Ms. Grace I just wanted to thank you again for that suggestion. Flipping the script on the way I was thinking has helped quite a bit over the last couple of weeks 

[Anastazja]

From talking to other members of the site, I have noticed that lots of people recommend seeing a therapist and almost all say that it helps in just about every aspect of transition.  This is something I need to do myself, but have been dragging my feet on for some reason; I'll go if you go, deal?  

Its unfortunate that you don't live in a more trans-friendly state; you could always move to Illinois- we may be the most corrupt and bankrupt state in the union, but we have some good laws in place to protect us trans folks, plus Chicago is a LGBT friendly city with a pretty active scene; the city definitely caters more to the 'LG' side of the flag, but there seems to be a pretty sincere effort to include us all.  There are some neighborhoods I personally wouldn't venture into, but I think that is true for every large city regardless of whether you are trans or not. 

Coming to terms with these feelings is certainly a rough road; there are good days and bad days and horrible days, but the best thing to do is to just try to roll with the punches and not let the world stress you out too much.  Sending positive thoughts your way love. 

-Ana

[Jacqueline]

Felicity,

Sorry to hear your struggles. Lots of really good advice so far.

I had a topic I started, questioning whether folks here felt one needs to see a gender therapist or if a general therapist is good. I have been using a general therapist for about 5-6 months and it has helped enormously. The answers to my question seemed pretty split on need of one versus the other. I guess there are good and bad therapists whether gender or any other specialist. The common agreement seemed to be if you only have access to a general therapist, it is better to see them than no one. The main advantage of a gender therapist seems to be the ease with with they have knowledge that a gender therapist might have to look up.

I had another topic I am including the link. I had asked the group for coping tools when times get tough. I think, like most of the other posters that Grace nailed a pretty solid idea of recognizing triggers  and either flipping them or using your tools to try to distract or work with issues.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,189495.msg1686687.html#msg1686687

I hope you feel better soon. It is a tough road.

With loving thoughts,

Joanna

[Felicity R]

From talking to other members of the site, I have noticed that lots of people recommend seeing a therapist and almost all say that it helps in just about every aspect of transition.  This is something I need to do myself, but have been dragging my feet on for some reason; I'll go if you go, deal?

Deal 

I'm still in the process of sorting through the suggested therapists, but hopefully I'll be able to set my first appointment by next month. I will update here when that happens.

Joanna, thanks for the additional thread. I found some good advice in there as well.

[SandraB]

We bring anxiety upon ourselves primarily by 'awfulizing'.  And when we do so, awfulize, we take ourselves out of the moment. The best words that I can offer you is practice staying in the moment. I've often said, and offered when I was doing group, that if you don't have a dog, then get one; if you have a dog, observe him/her. Dogs live in the moment. They have no concept of tomorrow or tonight. They have no concept of the past for all practical purposes.  A dog that gets in a fight with another will be friends moments later. Dogs respond and live in the now. And dogs are very happy. I have yet to meet an unhappy dog.  Dogs may get excited during a car ride to the park or wherever, but that is because the pattern that you have set. Enjoy the day, the moment for what it is. There is nothing that you can do to change the past as the past is over and done with. The future takes care of itself. By keeping yourself focused on the moment, the present, you'll be able to help yourself relieve some of these feelings of anxiety; what will happen will happen. And much like a dog, it will be in response to you and the environment that you create. Create a peaceful environment and everything will be peaceful. Create a turmaculus environment and everything will be turmoil. Easier said than done, but practice does work and will help alleviate the symptoms and attacks.