Hey there y'all!
This might be kinda long, sorry
I'm Morgan! I am new to this forum but not really new to the site. I am just starting to break free of my shell and let my inner self free! I kinda new at a young age that I was different but I never really knew who I wanted to be. It all started with a bet my sister and I had when I was about 4. If she won, she had to dress me in her clothes, and vise versa. Of course she won, being 6 years older than me at the time! After that something changed inside. I actually FELT something inside. I can remember laying awake hoping that if I close my eyes and wish hard enough, that I would wake up as a girl. I would get so upset that it wouldn't magically happen
Years went by and the struggle inside to understand these feelings continued. I was always the shy kid that always tried to fit in, but never could. I would hang out with the guys and do boy things, but when I was alone I had the strongest urges to go through my moms closet and try everything on. It felt amazing and it felt real, like it was me. I can feel it in my heart and in my soul <3 I struggle with the guilt and shame about being this person, since I have always been a people pleaser. I worry too much about what people will say, think, and do if they knew. My whole life I have tried to be someone everyone else wants me to be. To follow the crowd and be like everyone else. I went through all these phases and put on this fake image that I thought was the 'real' me. I pushed all these feelings aside thinking they would just disappear, they definitely didn't! No matter how hard I pushed them away, they always came back stronger and stronger.
I did some research in 2010 about how I felt inside. It all pointed to this, Transgender. Things started to make sense, I was finally SOMETHING. I started meeting these so called 'friends' then started to push these feelings aside again. For years, I put on yet another fake image of who I thought I was, always thinking about it inside. Long story short, I lost everything and moved back in with mom. I lost these people I called friends, I lost a job, a home, and my car. I finally decided it was time to grow up and do something for
MEI got to moms and all these feelings came flooding back, filling every part of me. Last year she noticed something was bothering me so I finally decided it was time to tell her how I felt inside. It was so scary but I told her and it felt amazing! Especially since she accepts it and supports me 100% I was so relieved when she said she supports me! I don't think she knows exactly what I'm feeling, but as long as she supports me. After that I started growing my hair out, I pierced my ears, and started wearing fake nails and I started seeing a counselor <3
I just can't seem to accept it
I still struggle with these negative thoughts and being worried all the time. I am letting my thoughts control me and they wont let my heart speak. My brain says things like " It's gonna be too hard to transition, you're never gonna be good enough, you're not gonna pass, it's gonna be too expensive" I just can't keep putting on this fake image anymore and it feels like my brain is stuck in this rut that I can't get out of =(
I am taking it day by day and trying to remain positive. I am working towards my GED and hoping to get a job and be able to find a new place to live, in a trans* community.
Thanks for reading!
Sorry if it's too long =(
