Realizations and Lows

[JynxRosalie]

Well, I've done a lot of thinking about my gender dysphoria, and I finally reached a realization. Personally, I am fine with identifying as a woman, that doesn't scare me or concern me at all. In a way that's something I've kind of wanted since I was a kid, I remember thinking that I should've been born a girl for much of my life, even going so far in my adolescence to state clearly to myself that I would even deal with all the pains girls bodies go through if I could be one.

The realization I've hit is that all my doubt, all my blocks and fears, are completely external, and they all revolve around other people. No matter how I consider it, I can't see my coming out to my family (especially when I live with them) as ending very positively. And honestly, my family is all I have, so the thought of being shunned by the only people Im close with terrifies me. It really makes me want to be 100% sure that I'm right about this, before I go down a road that causes so many problems.

You'd think with this realization I'd go up from there, but no. Honestly....a little while ago I just kinda lost it. I've gotten close to crying about this before...last time it happened was in the shower. But just recently my girlfriend was trying to play around with me and....I just couldn't do it. It ended with me having a complete breakdown and just crying and asking why I had to be born this way, obsessing over how much I hate my body, and just...generally being upset about my current gender. I eventually calmed down but I'm worried this is going to happen again...and I dont want it to. I would see a gender therapist right now if I could, but my current living situation still prevents me from being okay with pursuing that option...I don't know what to do anymore...

(on a side note, not sure if Im allowed to post links, but I watched the youtube video "#hatchkids discuss Caitlyn Jenner" and I was so touched by those children's words that I couldnt help but cry a bit...it was nice to hear)

[katrinaw]

Hi Rosalie,

Simple bit first, no to links, but addressing the location as you have is fine.

Everything you wrote, just about, I have been through, worst is my family now is wife and kids and grandkids... but the fears of alienating myself and possible leaving issues for the family has been my main blocker in finally becoming who I am till recently, and I still have not worked out the best way of handling the event yet... But like you I have spent my whole life crying and weeping about what should have been, then coming round and marching on, luckily my work kept me sane all through...

I think in your case, unless you have something that would fully consume your mind and stop your pain, I would seriously try and work with a counsellor/Gender Therapist... I really have no idea how, despite work, how I kept myself from imploding, but just telling someone, a very close transgender friend, just cleared all the crap from my mind, she will help and support me if it really goes bad.... so just opening up to someone will relieve a lot of the pent up emotions. And also will really help you be 200% sure about your path ahead. If I could replay my life, there are a lot of things I would not have done, I just tried to conform, because that's what life was about way back.

Not sure if any of this helps, but please talk with someone, in person...

hugs and X's

L Katy

[JynxRosalie]

Thank you for the reply ^^. And I figured I coulddnt post links but it was a touching video I thought people might like to see.

I do plan on seeing a gender therapist...I just can't while I live with my family. I already have the strain of a lot of other things going on right now, adding my gender problems into that here would just...break everything. I know people have said that gender problems get worse with time...and Im hoping to address mine before it takes over...but for now I have to wait and it's killing me.

[awilliams1701]

I had a mixed reaction from my family. My parents and my second oldest sister (I have 3 all older than me) accepted me. My oldest and youngest sisters rejected me. The oldest one rejected me so badly I had to block her completely from me. I decided to "test the waters" several months later and removed the blocks. Things were a little better. I eventually responded when she reached out to me. I'm not happy about being "her brother", but at least she wasn't super judgmental anymore. Things have improved a great deal. Even with my youngest sister. When I first came out my two sisters weren't talking to anyone. There is still a ways to go. I believe it will get better.

Remember we've been dealing with this our whole lives. If they don't know, they haven't been dealing with it. It can take time for some people. You need to live your life and no one else's. The only exception is if you're living under someone else's roof.

[JynxRosalie]

That's pretty much where all my trouble comes from. Because of my social difficulties, I am forced to live with my mother until I can find a source of income and live on my own. So for now I'd rather not stir things up and cause a controversy. I'm fully okay with taking steps when I live on my own, but until then I can't do much. I do hope things will turn out well in the future but for now...well here I am.