divorce advice

[billiexero]

ok im military active and transgender. (MTF) i have not started any medications or transition because its a dischargeable offense for the branch im serving in. my husband and i are going to get divorced because im trans. he has never lived on his own, payed for any of his own bills, and more or less has only just recently gotten a job. he is not attracted to females and because of this he cant stay with me. neither of us really want to leave each other but if i transition then its over, i love him but i also want to be happy with myself. i made a promise to myself and to him when we got together 10 years ago that i would make sure that he is happy no matter what, even if it means not being in his life. there is no fighting the inevitable so i know well separate, but i cant let him fall on his face and live a life that isnt healthy and normal. my only idea is to get a place with separate rooms and live as roommates for lack of a better term. so that he can save up pay off his loans and stay uptodate on his meds ( T. ) once he is capable of living a good life on his own he could move out but i cant watch the man i love do anything that might hurt him, or ruin his life. is there anything  can advise me on, anything that might help.

[Dena]

I think you have a pretty good plan. I had a roommate who was also MTF and while shared everything but a bed in a two bedroom condo it worked very well for us. We did lay down some ground rules and in our case we had a joint checking account that payed for commonly used items. My roommate would leave on trips lasting a couple of months and when she was ready to return, there was a home waiting for her. I took care of her in her final days but she helped me when we first met so it was good for both of us.
You might not be able to live tougher as lovers but you may still remain friends. As an adult if he decided he no longer wants you in his life, there isn't anything you can do about it so make plans for that day as it could happen.

[Eva Marie]

Your plan sounds reasonable to me.

When my ex and I split because of me being trans we kept it civil. I had the same feelings for her as you do for him so I helped her out with money and other things until she got back on her feet.

I hated why we had to split but I know that she needs to be with someone that I cannot be. She is also the mother of my children so I didn't want to go all war of the roses and have my kids be in the middle of that.

So, we split, I forked over money occasionally, and she found (as I knew she would - I steeled myself for it) another guy and married him. I'm happy for her. We still email back and forth and have remained on about as good a basis as two divorced people can. I still miss her greatly.

I might be considered a dummy by other people for helping her but I can sleep well at night knowing that I did the right thing and made the best out of a bad situation.

[suzifrommd]

is there anything  can advise me on, anything that might help.

I normally wouldn't say this, but you asked for advice, so here it is. I don't know either you or your husband, so if this is not right for you, please ignore it.

Why are you making yourself responsible for your husband? Unless he has some major mental or physical disability, he is an adult who needs to be responsible for taking care of himself.

Marriage is a partnership, where each member supports the other, not a lifetime obligation to take care of someone who is unwilling to make the changes in his life necessary to take care of himself. Taking care of yourself as you transition is hard enough. Shouldering the care of another human being (especially a capable adult) would be more than I would be able to take on.

[CarlyMcx]

You really need to see a divorce lawyer who is licensed in whatever jurisdiction you live in.  You also need to pay for the consult so that attorney client privilege attaches, this means the lawyer can never tell anyone any of your secrets -- like you being trans, which is something the lawyer needs to know about.

I don't know where you live, but in the state I live in, the rule is if the marriage (or sometimes the cohabitation) lasts longer than ten years, the court will routinely award spousal support.  The court will typically impute an earning capacity to someone who is not working or is only working part time, and typically calculates it based on a 40 hour work week at the prevailing minimum wage.  Then your income, your spouse's actual or imputed income are fed into a computer, and if you are the high earner and in the military, get ready to have a big bite taken out of your paycheck each month and sent to your spouse by way of the court system.

And the longer you stay together, the longer you will have to pay.  A marriage of 20 years or more can result in an award of lifetime spousal support.  I have seen a lot of older women out there who refuse to remarry because doing so would mean the end of the monthly checks from their ex husbands.

I know you care deeply about your husband.  I can read that into your post.  I know the temptation is powerful to "leave the courts out of this" and work out some kind of an informal agreement "that can be put on paper later." 

You are in a situation that could have legal consequences for the rest of your life, and you need to protect yourself.  And before you dismiss the need to do that, ask yourself:  Do you love your husband enough to be financially indebted to him for the rest of your life?

Now the disclaimers:  I am not a lawyer in whatever jurisdiction you live in.  The above is not legal advice, merely a recommendation that you seek legal advice for your own protection.