Help

[Night]

It may turn out to be a full on rant, but I need to get these things out...

I am an Ftm partner, they came out to me about 9 months ago, 6 years in our relationship.
It has been a massive, painful struggle for the both of us ever since..
We broke up for a while, but fact is that we miss each other too much. We are back together now, careful, but it still hurts..
There is so much that hurts, that I truely miss, I can't talk about it because I know it hurts them. As much as I want to deny it to myself, being a lesbian  has always been such a great deal for me, and now I can't seem to find a way to get around that. I can't seem to find a way to be me without that, what has set me apart from being just an average girl (which I dont like anyway, the being a girl part).
I was the dominant, masculine one in our relationship and that felt so natural, so good and now it feels like I have lost that entirely. I miss what I always took for granted..
I have never been even slightly interested in men and I am so scared to lose the attraction to my partner.
I am scared of the hormones, surgeries, everything... I can't even use the preferred name and pronouns.
I am scared for my parents as well, it makes me limit my partner in coming out to people because I am so scared they would find out..
If we try to talk, we end up fighting...
I just don't know where to go anymore, I live everyday craving an unreachable past...
But I want to be with this person, I always wanted that.. I need this to work...

[JoanneB]

Night, your feelings are pretty typical for many/most partners of trans person. Your one and ONLY image of that person was 'A', and now you told and even see 'B'. The ole "I am the same person on the inside" just doesn't do it for you.

And You are Right.

The relationship was totally turned on it's head and redefined in ways you perhaps never imagined could happen. Then add into that all the fallout from having the T-Bomb dropped on you, the sense of betrayal, being lied to, doubting yourself even. Feeling like a fool for not "seeing the signs".

Even my wife/BFF/ and Reality Therapist of some 30 years did not take the news well, and she knew from day 1 of our relationship that I had gender issues. Some 6 years later she still is not all that thrilled. Especially with the physical changes. She has said several times now she cannot think of me as a husband. Not with the bumps I now have on my chest. For years before that I got "I did not marry a woman".

In her case she has a very good understanding of what it is like to be trans. Something that is very difficult to impossible for cis people. Heck, I barely understand it and I spent a lifetime trying to deal with it. To expect someone to get up to speed in a few weeks or months is insanity.

What has kept us together, beyond the long established bonds and love we share, are the extremely difficult, open, honest, and sometimes painful / brutal conversations. A skill totally foreign to me that I quickly needed to get up to speed on. Fortunately I had 30 years of being with a self described "Pathologically Honest" person as an example. An important skill needed is not to hear the hurtful words, rather listen carefully to the feelings and range of emotions that are driving them. Partners, whether it's consciously or not, know what buttons to hit to evoke a raw emotion, especially a hurtful button. Which is often an attention getting "Hey! LISTEN TO ME" response to their fears or hurts.

Communication is a two way street. A relationship is a partnership. Both take at least two people. Both parties have to be willing to communicate past their hurts and their fears. If not, there is no partnership. An arguably, no real mutual love.

At the end of the day only you can answer the question; "Which Pain is Worse?".

[Dena]

This is alway hard on partners as the rules have been changed from what was initially agreed upon. If you want to stay in the relationship, you need some therapy. The reason for going is not to change your mind or views but to sort out your feelings and decide how you want to face the future. The biggest problem to deal with is the problem you are to close to. You will get the distance need to see the problem clearly in therapy. I can't say what the outcome will be other than you will be comfortable with your decision.

[Regina]

Love is love. And the two of you seem to love each other enough to try to muddle through this. That's huge.

Transition (and life) is so fluid. My advice is to keep an open mind and focus on the positive (love).  Unfortunately, even if discussing certain things may hurt your partner, communication is key. Especially through a transition. Someone mentioned therapy...even a good friend,  someone to help you process and figure out which things should and shouldn't be processed with your SO is very important or at least, helpful.

Keep in mind, while it feels like so much is changing so rapidly, the person you fell in love with is still the same person. And just because they are now male (or perceived male or however you want to look at it) doesn't mean you can't still be the dominant party in your relationship. Depending on their transition and personal style, you may even still present more masculine. Talk openly about your fears, ask them to do the same.

And keep in mind, only you control whether you are an "average girl". If others perceive you that way because you now appear hetero (or whatever) that is their problem


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[Laura_7]

You might look up a brochure called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief. Its specifically for trans people, their families and healthcare staff.
It states that being trans has biological connections, to do with development before birth which influences the sense of self.
So its not a light hearted decision but how they feel, and there are many feeling this way. Its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor that of their upbringing, or whatever. And it explains some of the feelings transgender people have.

A good therapist would be an option, for both of you. Someone versed with gender issues.
There might be support groups. And you might ask at plannedparenthood or a lgbt center for some counseling.

When talking it might be an idea to just state needs and emotions, not being reproachful or attacking... just stating ones position, and hearing the other out... sometimes its necessary to ask a few times because the other person does not answer really meaningful and deeply the first time...
it might be possible to do this in a kind of relaxed atmosphere, having a cup of tea for example...

well they are changing... and maybe its not even quite sure how much...
and you might be changing some, too...
but it can be a nice time for both of you, finding parts of you you had not developed that much...
it can be some kind of give and take and a deep experience...

I'd say listen to your feelings, and talk much about it...

and a word about lesbian issues...
well some people don't like penetration but some people find there are deep inner spots which can be very pleasurable when stimulated...
so for example strapon play can be very pleasurable...

concerning your masculinity its possible that they go through a phase where they try to fight some of their femininity... you might talk about if its possible for them to relax somewhat concerning that...
both of you being a bit flexible and maybe versatile, changing roles a bit from time to time...
they allowing for some femininity and allowing you some masculinity... you might talk about it...


have a big *hug*