Who are you?

[gothique11]

When I started transitioning, it was quite natural to talk about different issues and stuff. But after a couple of months one of my other TS friends said, "Natalie, I know you're transitioning. But I want know you. I want to know Natalie." In other words, don't get lost in your transition.

That was one of the best advice that I've ever had. (The other was don't care what people think).

I know quite a few TS people, and many that just talk constantly about trans this and trans that. It seems to be their complete identity. They are lost in their transition. I know people who continued like that after surgery, even (with a huge feeling of, now what?).

Now, I'm not talking about being stealth, and never talking about TS issues. Of course they are going to come up, and of course you're going to talk to your friends about different trans issues, etc. The difference is when does being a transsexual become you and when do you lose yourself.

I'm probably not explaining it that well. *sigh* I'm not sure how. But yeah, anyway, I thought I'd pass on the advice to the board. It's not directed to anyone, but just some advice.

I've been thinking about it more because I went with a friend on a totally random road trip (so, I've been gone for a few days). She's post-op. We talked only touched on one trans subject, and that was my up-coming surgery and she told me about hers, but 99% of the conversation was just talking about stuff. I met her a while back and we got a long. She, like my other friend, said, "I really don't have a lot of trans friends, they always talk about their transition and I never get to know who they are. Natalie," she said, "tell me who you are. What do you like?" We still hang out now.

It was refreshing for me, too. Because I've been in the same boat, where I seem to get over powered and burnt out with trans topics, especially from people I'm helping out. I started to get some burn out with helping a recent person (who then, for some reason, vanished and didn't tell me what's up, but I heard through the grape vine that she's unsure about things now, and might be moving).

Actually, my psychiatrist noted some things I could do, because I was telling her that I was getting burnt out from trans people in my life always talking about trans, having a ton of insecurities, and then I would start talking about it and feeling insecure and that's not what I wanted. I don't want to get swallowed up by my transitioning. Things she mentioned was to hang out less with trans friend who are imprisoned with their transition... I tend to hang out with them because in some way I feel that I have to, but honestly, why hang out with someone just because of that? I want to hang out with people I have something in common with. The way I think of it is, if I met this person and neither of us were trans, would I want to be that persons friend. Also, just to find other things to do, and other people to hang out with (I hang out with a lot of non-trans people, which is nice, it's like taking a break). Although, sometimes, my non-trans friends keep wanting trans updates... but they aren't doing it as much, which is nice. As for trans message boards, limiting the amount of time I read them, etc.

I don't go to support groups any more. I get sick of the local trans drama (it gets pretty bad!). Online drama is also annoying. I just find that don't care anymore. I just want to live my life, and be Natalie.

Of course, I haven't done a huge pruge (I know people who have). I've done a little one. But, more of a balanced way kind of purge. And when I'm with friends I encourage them and myself to find other things to talk about. Now, at the same time, we'll talk about different trans things if needed, or maybe different updates, etc. But the goal is to have he majority of the conversation about us, what's going on in our lives, what do we like, and what we're doing for Halloween, etc.

I've found that I've started to get very selective on who is going to be my trans friend. I can't take it any more, I just want to be me, not transsexual Natalie, not transitioning Natalie, I want people to know me -- Natalie the woman.

The road trip, in a strange way, felt symbolic. I felt like that I was leaving everything behind. I felt, in a way, that I was leaving the trans stuff behind and being liberated -- I was being Natalie.

I don't feel trans anymore. I'm just me. It's a great feeling. It's liberating.


Anyway, this is my totally random ramble. Just thought's going on in my head.


--Natalie

[Jillieann Rose]

I don't feel trans anymore. I'm just me. It's a great feeling. It's liberating.

Wow Natalie! That very perceptive. I so much agree with you.

Many of us, when we first started down the TS road are trying to find out who we really are but somewhere along the was we often get caught-up in as you said the trans things. I'm guilt of doing that myself.

Thanks for reminding us that being and sharing ourselves is what is most important part of friendship; not the transitioning stuff.

Jillieann

[shanetastic]

From what it seems like Natalie, it sounds like most if not like all of your friends were trans I guess.

As for the "Who are you" question, I think that most people just get that narrowed down vision of what they want and go for it, but after having that vision for so long, when they achieve it, they're like, "Uhhh, so what now?"  I have to say, I only have like two trans friends, and I can't say I really discuss anything with them in regards to trans stuff.  It's just nice to have people who share the same type of connection with you, so if your ever having a problem or something, you have a friend that you can openly talk to.  I have my other friends as well, but still most of them don't know as for the time being.

Maybe, people just want to get to the point of accepting themselves and their body, then they can be open and free with people.  The problem is that varation of what people expect is so great that some are never content and just want to keep discussing those issues I guess or something.  As for myself, I'm just working on becoming who I want to be.  I have to say, yeah, for the time being, this is taking up a LOT of my time and life, but for me, it has to for that little while when I am trying to transition.  Down the road, it will hopefully be gone, as I don't want to live and be labeled as a "transitioning" person by any of my friends after all. 

Sure, people who are just starting out or learning about this have a lot of curious questions.  They just want to try to gain some insight and knowledge about this.  But I think there's a point when it's time to just be yourself as well.  That point easily varies from person to  person, but eventually, your doing this to be happy and content with your life and in a sense not being labeled as trans anymore sort of.  So ultimately, your going to have to start being yourself, not "trans person insert name here"

I understand what you mean though Natalie, although I'm not as far along in the process as you or most people.  That doesn't mean that I'm narrowly minded and set only on transitioning and only hanging out with trans people though.  Sure, they are nice and fun to hang out with because you share something in common, but if they are the narrow minded type although; it's going to pose a problem to a friendship, as you don't always want to really be "that" around everyone you know.

[gothique11]

From what it seems like Natalie, it sounds like most if not like all of your friends were trans I guess.

Actually, most of my friends aren't trans. I know a lot of people. I just know a lot of trans people on top of the zillion people I know. My facebook, for example, has just over 120 people, and 99% of them are people I actually talk to on a regular basis and see in person (and not all of my friends are on facebook, I have about 20 more who are not). I count 10 people who are trans, and 7 of them are local while the others are ones from the internet. Of my close friends, ones that I actually do more stuff with, I'd say the number drops to 50-ish. The other friends I talk to and see out and about, but don't hang around as much with them these days.

You don't want to see my social calendar. I'm one of those girls that walk into a club and everyone knows me. And the girl who walks downtown and is bound to run into someone she knows. And when I first started dating my (ex)girlfriend a year ago, she started to think I was some kind of rockstar. I had people I didn't know run up to me and say, "Hey, are you Natalie?"  The other downside is a lot of people want my attention, and so I sometimes have to back off and have space to myself. The downside, of course, is that everyone also knows that I'm trans (I was popular before, and people tell people).

The most liberating moments I like is when I can go to a different city, a different club, meet different people, and not be trans. I did that with a friend of mine this weekend. It was great. And almost tempting enough to leave everyone behind and live a new life. There was no question about who Natalie was, I was just Natalie, that girl from xxx. That's it. It was great! I needed it. I needed to be somewhere different for a moment and unconnected to my past.

Some of my non-trans friends talk about trans stuff with me, but they aren't so much because the newness of it work off (thank god!) Although, rumors go around about me. I need to strangle a friend, actually, that has been talking about me at his work to other people (I get rumors back about me pretty quickly). The thing is, I was considering working there. But now I'm like, "Damn! Now I'm going into a work place where people are going to no me cause of xxx talking about me!"

The last place I worked at, nobody knew. Then I a friend started working there, but she didn't tell. And then another friend started, I don't think he told. And then a past co-worker from another place I worked started at the same place. And I was like WTF? And then, yeah, word got out. I wasn't bothered, but it was kind of annoying. I was enjoying being myself at work, no trans anything. It was kind of nice being asked about my period, actually. But then once people know, they can't help but to ask me questions and so out come the questions and people wanting to know this and that.

So, it's not a case of me just having trans friends and not living in the real world. I just find a lot of trans people are attracted to me, and I end up being a mentor for some reason. I'm a helpful person, too, so I end up making friends easily but I also will have people latch themselves to me. It gets draining. Also, a lot of people know I'm trans, so people ask me questions all the time. People find out I'm trans from other people, so then I get new questions all the time. I feel like I'm a walking-talking trans educator sometimes.

As for my trans friends, often I'm one of their only friends, or the have a couple of friends, but all trans. I've been trans mommy a few times. My better trans friends are usually far as long as I am or way past where I'm at, and we generally don't talk trans stuff but just get along as people (and they also have other friends, rather than just me as their friend.. which is nice).

I had one bad experience with one trans girl who ended up staking me -- eventually she got the point. She was draining the life out of me. And when I say staking I mean staking -- waiting for me after work, coming into my work place all the time, calling me at least ten times a day, calling other people to see if they knew where I was at so she could fine me. Actually inviting herself into my apartment when I wasn't home (that one was the topper!) So, yeah, scary.

Also, just because someone is just starting out it doesn't mean that they are narrow minded. I wasn't like that. I had advice not to be like that and I stuck to it. That's why I'm giving out the advice again. And of course, when you start out you're going to have a ton of questions, and you have every right to have those questions. It's very normal to try to figure things out for the first while, but some people trans become everything that they are about.

And I'm not saying to people, "don't talk about trans stuff" either. There's nothing wrong with that, but there's a point when it becomes obsessive and that's all a person talks about and begins to identify with. It's good to have some balance.

And this probably has more to do with my life than anything. I just felt pretty liberated tasting true stealth. No questions from anyone. I was totally free to be myself without the trans label. It was really, really nice.


--natalie

[shanetastic]

Hey agian Natalie,

Thanks for the additional post, it was awesome.  It was nice to gain a little more insight to the whole situation.  First off, okay I understand where your coming from.  Sure, not in experience with myself, but you seemed to describe the circumstances pretty well, I have to say you drew an excellent picture

one of the main points that struck me out was this:

The most liberating moments I like is when I can go to a different city, a different club, meet different people, and not be trans. I did that with a friend of mine this weekend. It was great. And almost tempting enough to leave everyone behind and live a new life. There was no question about who Natalie was, I was just Natalie, that girl from xxx. That's it. It was great! I needed it. I needed to be somewhere different for a moment and unconnected to my past.

I can fully understand that.  For instance, I never knew that like everyone you knew sort of knew about your past and everything.  I have to say, that seems like something people often tend to try to avoid, but I mean nothing is wrong with it either way.  I can understand the disapprovoal of people always asking you question and stuff like that based upon you being trans too.  It gets annoying at times I have to say, and I haven't even experienced probably ANYTHING close to what you have.

It seems like you have it pretty well in your town though.  But the only downside to it, is that everyone knows your past.  But hey, ultimately that's going to be your decision if you want to move away and see if you can start fresh or remain in your city.  I myself have to move either way, so that's why I was hoping that my awesome "A" plan works out, even though in reality something will go wrong probably

Here's another thing that quite interested me in your post as well:

Also, just because someone is just starting out it doesn't mean that they are narrow minded. I wasn't like that. I had advice not to be like that and I stuck to it. That's why I'm giving out the advice again. And of course, when you start out you're going to have a ton of questions, and you have every right to have those questions. It's very normal to try to figure things out for the first while, but some people trans become everything that they are about.

I have to admit to the guilt here, for a while I was narrow minded and all I could ever think about was changing myself to be happy.  Because of this, I isolated myself a lot from others and felt this discontent from society in a sense.  I understand now though that maybe that wasn't the best way to handle the problem, but either way it's not like I can go back and change it.  It caused some current problems, but I'm working through those, trying not to make this my life, more so ever just a phase heh.

As for the people where trans become everything they're about, I really don't understand their outlook on the issue.  I understand that they have been molded into this in a way, I actually know someone who's like this, but I think they sort of accepted it rather than wanted it.  If you can understand that, it sounds a little confusing. 

And here's the ultimate problem!

And I'm not saying to people, "don't talk about trans stuff" either. There's nothing wrong with that, but there's a point when it becomes obsessive and that's all a person talks about and begins to identify with. It's good to have some balance.

Yes indeed, I don't understand how come someone would want to identify with this for the rest of their lives.  It would be interesting to hear from someone who actually is like that, so I can try to gain insight to why they are.  Really though, in the end, I guess some people just would rather stick within their "saftey" boundaries in order to not be hurt, maybe that's why they do it. 

Although, I believe this process is about changing your body (and maybe sometimes a little bit of your mind) into the person you have tried so long to be.  Ultimately, the person you want to be shouldn't be this sterotypical labeled trans person. . . It should just be YOU.  And with doing that, you really need to branch out and stop making this your whole life to an extent.  Nothing is wrong with having friends and people to discuss this about, but you said about that balance. . . Where people need to have others where they can just be themselves with.   And I think that's where your trying to go with this. 

Like there is nothing more to really talk about, you are (now?) content with yourself and your life, so you just want to be labeled as your own person.  Like you said, not transitioning Natalie or trans Natalie or anything.  Just Natalie.

[cindybc]

Hi Natalie,

I wondered where this post had got to. I can't really relate with some of what you have posted because for one thing, I did most of my transitioning on my own in a small town with no other trans folks around. I had many friends that stood by me when I was going through some rough time at the beginning. One girl in particular who turned out to be my best friend. As far as I'm concerned she was a real trooper. She was tinier then me and I need to put bricks in my back pockets on a windy day. she was truly my best friend.

Most of my friends were female, the only males I interacted with was when I was on the job as a Social Worker. I can identify with the road trips though, I have been all over half of the Eastern US  and Canada back in the early 80's once. Once again in the past three years I have been all over half of Eastern US again and this time Coast to Coast of Canada. Now we are talking about a possibility of maybe going to Australia in the next couple years. All this time I have never once given a thought about where I came from or who I use to be. That part of me was a thing of the past while on my on the road days. I was way to busy and excited living a new life, yeah just being me. I am who I am, I am woman. I will say this, life is like the Never Ending Story some good some bad but the bad just depend on how you wish to look at it and by experiencing it one learns to be more appreciative of the good parts.

But I do have one tiny problem though. I find it very lonely here in Vancouver laking contact with other people, I really don' t know anyone else then my landlord and her husband upstairs. I just hope I get that part time job on Wednesday. Just send a wee prayer for me, thanks.

Well anyway keep in touch hun

Cindy

[Wing Walker]

Hi, Natalie,

The last thing that I want to do is to restrict myself and my perspective to that of transitioning only.  That's an extremely confining view.  I sit 12 inches to the left of my partner who is post-op 4 years and we seldom talk transition.  It comes up because of what we see it in these forums.

I used to belong to a support group.  It was established by transsexuals, for transsexuals, to help them find their way.  When it became a stage for the theater of the absurd, I left and never went back.

You know that you're doing fine and doing what is best for you and I am happy for you.  If we ever get together for supper I won't bring up transsexuality at all and I don't think that you will, either.

Keep smiling and enjoying life to the fullest.

Sincerely,

Wing Walker

[Ember Lewis]

I know someone who only talks about trans issues so I know what you mean. I have no trans friends I see on a regular basis, so when I do meet with the 2 other ts, I do find we talk about our trans issues a lot. But that's the odd time 99% of the time with my non trans friends they can't relate and I know that and don't talk about trans issues except for the odd opinion on things. I feel I am me, I just find I hold back sometimes cuz I don't think my voice is good enough. At the same time on a different topic the lack of Trans awarness may be linked to our desire to blend in, and not be seen "out of site, out of mind".