*TW - monthlys, abuse.
I dont know if this is in the right forum section, I am new to this site so this is my first post. If its in wrong section, mods feel free to move to correct place.
Ive been struggling with various issues lately, but yesterday tipped me over. I woke up with massive dysphoria and had a flashback related to sexual abuse. Ive tried so hard to take advice from online sources about dealing with monthlys as a trans guy. Id also tried sourcing information about dealing with this issue from a ptsd perspective. I find it really hard, most of the tips really dont help - pretending its a wound? Im sorry, with Aspergers I have a really hard time imagining something that is fact to be fiction.
I tried so hard to source info on these issues combined, I feel that the concurrent issues fuel each other and it spirals out of control. So advice for either issue is fine to try and take in, but when the problem is twofold its almost an entirely different and complex monster.
I took some painkillers for the pain and set about trying to distract myself, Ive been an admin/support position for a pre-t FtM group online and had noticed that the suicide prevention document only listed USA suicide and trans* support hotlines. I wanted to update this so spent most the day trawling around for global hotlines to make a comprehensive document as we have guys from all over the world. I felt like as I was a support role, occasionally I will start a thread about social issues, but rarely ones that affect me so deeply. Its hard when people look at you as a rock for support, to show weakness and your inability to cope with things.
Anyway, it worked to an extent, it absorbed me in an important and meaningful task. When my concentration later in the day started to fade, I was faced with reality once again and in sourcing these hotlines had come across one local to me that I thought maybe I could try it out, see if they had any advice. The first two didnt answer, I let it ring for ages before hanging up. I decided to try the Samaritans, the person I got through to had no idea of any trans related issues, I tried explaining a bit about what gender dysphoria is and half way through I snapped to - If Im explaining basics here, how are they going to understand something more complex? How are they going to support me in something theyve never even heard of?
I tried an LGBT support hotline, the guy literally talked to me (I looked at the call time to figure this out when I realised what was happening) for 25 mins before I even got a word in. When I said I needed emotional support for x, he told me he could not give medical advice - not what I asked for at all! He then started his irrelevant spiel again which I curtailed after another 10mins as I was becoming increasingly upset.
I finally resorted to crisis, a local number for people under their MH care. The were on call so I got through to a nurse at the psych hospital Id been inpatient at, I was relieved as I knew them quite well and felt comfortable with them. We didnt discuss the issue, more the frustration of lack of support. He forwarded my number to the team who called me back a couple of hours later when they had returned, I was a bit calmer at this point having taken meds and talked to a friend about random stuff as distraction. When they called, again I wasnt able to get immediate support, but it was one of the more constructive convos Ive had with them. They advised I speak to a certain member of the team who is available weekdays who might have more insight into the issues Im facing.
My usual response to these issues is more practical now, but still it is a delayed process as I have to first understand it myself and get information from somewhere in order to comprehend it fully. Im usually good at figuring these things out, but sometimes I really need professional help and guidance. Its a good long term response, but short term, in the now it does not help me personally when I am in crisis. Ill compile information for general usage as I am sure others have these concurrent issues out there that are not getting the support they need. - this however does not help my immediate situation.
I feel stuck, Im desperate for help, but Ive exhausted my knowledge of support lines and google resources.
I feel a little calmer today, its more of an intense ache than an overwhelming flood. Some of this literally is just resignation that the help is not there, so I know I just need to deal with it in whatever way I can for now.
Im on hormones to stop them, I got a bit loopy and stopped taking my meds a few months ago including the mones and obviously the monthlys started again. Ive gone back on the meds now, but it takes time for them to build up and it will take more time for my monthlys to stop. In the mean time I just have to find ways to keep safe.
If you have ANY info on dealing with gender dysphoria alongside sexual abuse - particularly regarding monthly cycles, please, please forward the info.
