Weird emotions, greiving?

[findingreason]

So while super exciting that I filed for my name change the other day, it occurred to me the reality of what soon will be: he will soon be a distant memory (he being my previous lived identity).

It's been a little weird. Like, I told my boss today and he was amazing about it and told me to let him know when my hearing date is. He asked how I've been doing, and I told him I am doing WAY better than before now that I am dealing with these gender identity issues, which is absolutely true. I am less depressed, less anxious, no more suicidal thoughts and/or plans. It's pretty amazing.

But I feel almost some grieving at the moment by putting "him" to rest soon. I have never hated "him", but at the same time, "he" never was me. Yet, I was forced to grow up as "him" for the first 25 years of life. I've heard of stories of other transitioning people grieving as they let go of their previous identity of their assigned gender. "He" will always be part of my life, and I am not going to deny it. I am moving forward and love that I am finally handling this lifelong issue to live as who I am. But I still feel a tad weird cause right now I'm finally realizing I'm about to say goodbye to "him"; and to feel this way isn't necessarily bad, but only human. It's a little sad; but also beginning anew. I will lay "him" to rest, and am finally waking up for the world to really see me.

It feels relieving to just let this out, even if only to grant acknowledgement to myself that it is ok to feel this way as I move forward. I feel proud of my own security I have grown within my identity and my physical existence to be able to admit my emotions in full.

[RavenL]

You are way further along then me right now. But I can understand where you are coming from. In fact I was thinking about this very topic tonight. That one day soon the other half of me will be gone forever. Started cleaning out the "other guys" stuff last night. And have to admit getting kind of sad over it. I mean there's stuff that brought back memories of some good days but I'm ready to say goodbye to it. I'm just seeing the positive in it as making another step towards the life I want.

[Evelyn K]

I've went through several emotions; from good riddance, to grieving, to a heartfelt thank you... and forgiveness.

I still keep a picture of him nearby.

The old self is really still a part of me and I cannot deny the survival skills and life hacks I have learned while "him" will help me as a woman as well. So I strongly think about both of us as being an evolution. Like Jill F's signature reads "Same monkeys. Different barrel."

[findingreason]

You are way further along then me right now. But I can understand where you are coming from. In fact I was thinking about this very topic tonight. That one day soon the other half of me will be gone forever. Started cleaning out the "other guys" stuff last night. And have to admit getting kind of sad over it. I mean there's stuff that brought back memories of some good days but I'm ready to say goodbye to it. I'm just seeing the positive in it as making another step towards the life I want.

Yup, exactly. I was viewing a lot of old photos and memories myself last night. It was doing that that kind of really started the gears forward on these emotions. My mind for a minute was like "Well, you life wasn't really THAT bad...." and I snapped to it pretty quick. I quickly remembered that I could not and would not go back to what I was living before. But I remind myself that I will make many new memories as I embrace my identity and who I am in full.

[Tessa James]

That is a very sensitive and well reasoned essay on your grief that does not seem weird at all to me.  There is a letting go and some sense of finality and an end to an era.  I thought there could be a more satisfying celebration or even ritual but it ended up being a private affair.  I waited so very long that it was more a profound relief and I did not want to further the grief of those SOs around me who were not ready to celebrate.

I admire those like you that are willing to accept the reality that "he" or "she" was part of our lives and remains with us in many ways. 

[Mariah]

It's a very normal thing to do. In many ways we all find a way to let go and move on from that past while taking along those things that are truly us and that we learned along the way. The name change really is one of those posts where you realize your putting that past to rest. Hugs
Mariah

[Ashey]

I've had a lot of mixed feelings really.. Overwhelmingly, I get this odd feeling like 'he' was somebody else altogether. I feel so far removed from him that it's hard to believe we were/are one in the same. Even some of my friends who have more or less been there for most of my transition are still sometimes shocked at how completely different I am now. 'He' was almost like a character, or figment of my imagination. Someone who was created by necessity by my struggling younger-self to help me get by. But I feel like 'he' would never have survived on his own, and would never have become half the person I am now. I've grown in so many ways and even in such little time. For once I feel normal, happy, and complete. But comparing who I am now to that person that I pretended to be... it's very hard to reconcile the two identities, so in some ways I'm haunted by my past incarnation. I haven't legally changed my name just yet, so when I hear 'his' name, it's exactly as if someone were referring to me by a stranger's name. "Sorry, you've got the wrong person..."

[RavenL]

'He' was almost like a character, or figment of my imagination. Someone who was created by necessity by my struggling younger-self to help me get by. But I feel like 'he' would never have survived on his own, and would never have become half the person I am now. I've grown in so many ways and even in such little time. For once I feel normal, happy, and complete.

That really sums it up for me on how I feel about "Him" I truly believe that if "He" would've stayed in control I'd had a heart attack before I was thirty. I'm at the point right now when I look at the mirror and see "Him"  its not me. One of the hardest things for me right now since I haven't outed myself at work. Is people trying to talk to me like "He's" still around. And so far I haven't found a good way to skirt around it. Since "His" interests haven't all transferred to mine.

But I'll still keep the old memories and some of "His" likes and dislikes. One thing that has been helping me not feel as down cleaning out "His" stuff is donating it, knowing someone else is going to be really happy with it.

[Randi]

I am very grateful to my male progenitor.  He suffered stoically, worked hard, married and raised a wonderful daughter.

He kept our shared body in relatively good shape.  He managed the finances well so that I won't have to worry about my next meal or having a roof over my head.

Most importantly, he is willing to fade into the background and let me emerge.  All in all he was a wonderful guy.  I'm grateful and he has my admiration and respect.

Randi

[Metanoia]

But I feel almost some grieving at the moment by putting "him" to rest soon. I have never hated "him", but at the same time, "he" never was me. Yet, I was forced to grow up as "him" for the first 25 years of life. I've heard of stories of other transitioning people grieving as they let go of their previous identity of their assigned gender. "He" will always be part of my life, and I am not going to deny it.

Right there with you sister. I'm pre-everything yet, but we're about the same age, even though I came out to myself at 25... And even if I'm merely growing out my hair and potentially starting low dose HRT in the fall... The grieving process is starting and growing along with my hair. The longer it gets, the less of 'him' I see... And it's sobering and exciting at the same time. Bittersweet.

Hang in there