The 'Change', Normal and youth.

[Mikaela]

1 year 3 months and I still have questions.

Does or did anyone else notice the change? Not the change in our bodies or perception, but our change in the reaction? When I first started changing my voice or the way I dressed, there were soooooo many negative reactions. I look back at what I thought would happen and laugh. I expected looks, and maybe laughs or comments. I got those, and plenty of them. I was beaten and put in the hospital for 5 days. I've been pushed and yelled at and groped. Now, when I walk out and no one notices, it is more damaging than the stitches, the curses, the broken bones and the hatred when someone notices that maybe I was not born a girl. It hurts more now that hardly anyone notices than when everyone knew. No one says anything anymore, just that confused look I get once a week or every other week hurts. The closer I get, the more it bothers me when I realize I am not there yet. I didn't expect that. Has anyone else experienced it?

B: Was everyone as suprised as I am at how normal this feels? I thought it would feel so incredibly awsome changing. Not even close. It feels so mundane, like an itch that lasted for decades and is just gone. It doesn't  feel special, like I thought that it would, when I look down at my breasts and hair that almost covers them. If anything, there is just the ridiculous thought,"Well, it's about time." Why does this feel so normal?

3: For the older transitioners, is it annoying? That moment when you realize that the image you have had in your head of yourself your whole life can never be realized? Youth is gone, never to return. For the first time in my life, I live the life that I always felt I should have had and I am middle aged. I wasted decades in fear and hiding that I will never get back. I NEVER LIVED! I was on pause for 30 years. My life is not over My youth is however, so....   Sometimes I just let myself be young and not care that I am 20 plus years too late. Am I the only one?

I wish sometimes that I knew another transsexual in real life. Someday maybe. Until then I will ask everyone here these questions.

[warlockmaker]

Beautifully written.  I can only reply from my perspective as an older transitioners.. I was an outstanding male and I grew up in a very big loving family unit. I could not imagine transitioning sooner than I did.. it was the right time . I fufilled my family obligation and duties and it was finally my turn in life. I have no regrets that I didn't transition at a younger age, to the contrary, I live each day in amazement to a life experience of living two lives in a lifetime. I never dressed up as a female in public when I was transitioning  and now post op I have no problems dressing as a female, it just feels normal.. I don't notice anyone giving me strange looks, just some men hitting on me, and it feel so natural. I experience a different reaction from people as a female and I thrive in this new knowledge and experiences. With a positive attitude, I  am just happy to finally be who I am.

[liz]

Well, once you feel yourself the thrill is gone. When all your transition goals are pretty much achieve you feel it pretty normal then. It's time to start living and have fun now, do some activities and try, try, try.

I dont know what you consider an "older transitioners" but for me who transition in my twenties i had and still having this rage, feeling that i lost all those years. It's slowly going as i am fully living right now but i can understand how some older transitioners may feel about this.

If you let yourself feel young you're in the right track it's not weird it's something everyone need. Just live with no regret and this "i lost 20s years" feeling will fade slowly.

[Thessa]

I'm just beginning my journey so I can only answer your last question.

Somehow I regret the decades I didn't had the courage to be myself, but then I think that I wasn't ready.
The world was not ready for me and I would not have my childrens I love dearly.

Still I see that having a family complicates things now and I wish I would have followed my heart 15 years ago, when I was questioning myself again and again.

[Mikaela]

Thank you for the replies. Sorry it's taken me a while to respond, been pretty busy lately.

Probably for me the regrets are not exactly regrets. I am 46 and started to transition two weeks after my 45th birthday. I don't actually regret, it simply was not possible for me to start as a teen. I did try to alter my birth defect when in was 14, just ended up in the hospital for a long time. The shrinks attempted to fix my for a while after that. My grandparents ( was raised by them after my parents gave up on me when I was 4 ) had people pray over me for months. LOL Those were some interesting sessions.    During all of that, they never gave me any indication that I was not the only one who felt the way that I did. They just made me believe that I was sick and unclean. How could I have transitioned when I didn't even know it was possible? I just tried harder to be normal. It was a different time, in the mountains of West Virgini I am just glad that they didn't have me burned at the stake. Having them hide their family shame and trying to fix me was probably the best possible outcome I could have hoped for. I do regret the deep anger and self hatred I had at the time. The alcohol abuse and pathetic attempts at relationships with girls are also probably on the list of things I wish I could have changed. No, for me it is just a sigh now and again, when I think of how things could have been. Usually followed by an incredible gratitude for being alive in a time when we CAN transition.

Who would have thought huh? You just wake up, no fanfare, you just are a girl. Should have been some kind of notification or memo to mark the occasion.    Even the rare time when I am clocked they are more not sure than anything. I would say that the people who have known me before are more antagonistic. I just keep my mouth shut but sometimes... Well, they are making a stand. They are sure they are right even though they are woefully ignorant of the subject. Sometimes I just want to yell at them,"This thing that you find funny, or disagree with, it's my life! I can understand how you may feel the way you do, but I have to keep on living this way. Why do you choose making a stand over being kind?" Most people make an effort now, but some refuse to. Family, friends and co-workers there are some in every category. You were born a boy and I will call you he and him or use your male name, sorry, that is just the way it will be. Fine, I don't need them anyway, most people accept me for who I am.

I guess what I was saying about the change, was not so much in others but in myself. When 99% of the people I come in contact with see and treat me like a woman, that 1% makes me feel so much more self conscious than when I started out and almost everyone saw me and treated me like a guy. I expected it then, now it's like someone smacked me on the back of the head with a board.

Just another thought, probably should start another thread butt....
I think that it is almost criminal that people view transsexuals in a better light than the rest of the transgender world. I mean, it's good for me but, it's horrible for the crossdressers and the others. It seems so unfair. I have heard it so many times. Why should people be less tolerant of people if they don't like men, they just like to dress like a girl, they don't want to have the surgery? I am completely baffled. They are just as compelled as I am, I appreciate it but why give me a pass and not the others?