Old co-workers and work realationship dynamics

[Stevie]

 Next week we have an old co-worker of mine starting to work at my company. I have worked with him at different company's over the years I even shared an office with him for 8 years. I am full-time and out at work everyone there accepts me as me, I work with some good people.  I am just a bit concerned about how he is going to react we got along well in the past he has helped me find work before and I was someone he could talk to when his wife was having cancer treatments. He knows I am trans, the industry I work in is like a small town, he has just not seen the real me. I know he used to listen to conservative talk radio, we all know what kind of bile they spew, so that has me a bit apprehensive. I am thinking he must be cool with it because he called me after his interview to ask how I liked working there. I don't think our relationship is going to be the same as in the past as I've already noticed the dynamics are changing between myself and my current male co-workers. Question for those that transitioned on the job how did your working relationships change? 

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Stevie

First off, I think you have nothing to worry about.  Despite whatever political veneer people slap on top, I believe that most people (politicians excluded) are basically reasonably decent, and have a live-and-let-live attitude.

Part of the issue with work colleagues, I must be frank, is how integrated you are, and how passable you are.  But it's only part of the issue.  My experience has been excellent, both in terms of colleagues who lived the change with me and those who saw me afterwards.  I was incredibly lucky to pass straight away, so, apart from the occasional wagging tongue, there have been no incidents.  The only issue, which you've already identified, is the change in gender dynamics, which has been subtle but evident.  I do have to compensate a little by being a little more vocal, but it's not a major issue.

On your question, you have the dual advantage of knowing this man, and you are already established in your company.  I wouldn't expect any issues.  This said, if I was in your shoes, I'd gently establish the ground rules, including discretion around your colleagues and other points.  Nothing militant, just weave it into a conversation

Hugs
Julia

[Cindy]

There is one point I would make. Be at ease being treated as a woman. That may sound odd, but men do treat womanly differently, accept it, it makes it easier for them to accept your transition. If you act as 'one of the boys' it can be very confronting and confusing for guys who are trying hard to accept you.

[Eva Marie]

There is one point I would make. Be at ease being treated as a woman. That may sound odd, but men do treat womanly differently, accept it, it makes it easier for them to accept your transition. If you act as 'one of the boys' it can be very confronting and confusing for guys who are trying hard to accept you.

I agree with Cindy. Guys expect to relate to women in a certain way - like it or not the dynamic between you and your friend *has* changed and trying to relate to him as you used to will probably make him feel weird & uncomfortable. Add to that the possibility that he may find you attractive and it gets very awkward. You will need to re-frame your friendship because of this.

As far as him listening to conservative talk radio - just having a friend that is transgender will change the negative position that a lot of people have about us - for them it moves from having a bias against something abstract to having a bias against a real person, and it is *very* hard to have a close friend that is trans and still spew the same bile because we have put a face on it. Be the authentic you, friendly and approachable, and you'll most likely change his heart if he's adopted some bigoted views. He will realize that you are a likeable person and not a degenerate as we are commonly portrayed as by the media.

I am facing something similar - in a month I am going to go see a very dear old friend. We used to do guy things together and he is a staunch Christian. He has said some harsh things about gay people in the past; apparently my transition has softened some of his viewpoints as we've talked on the phone and as he's learned about some of the pain and suffering i've gone through - i've moved him from the abstract to reality; he now personally knows one of "them". He has known me for years and he knows that I am not prone to flights of fancy so I have put a name and a face on it for him, making him rethink his position - I know it's very hard for him now to have some of the opinions that he used to have. Hopefully when I see him I'll be able to change his heart more since we will be face to face.

I am also not under the illusion that when we get together we will crack open some beers, open a few car hoods, and fire the grill up as we used to do because he will see me differently - the dynamics of our relationship will have changed because I am a female. I expect that knowing him he will treat me like a lady. Its going to be a change for me too.

[Julia-Madrid]

I am also not under the illusion that when we get together we will crack open some beers, open a few car hoods, and fire the grill up as we used to do because he will see me differently - the dynamics of our relationship will have changed because I am a female. I expect that knowing him he will treat me like a lady. Its going to be a change for me too.

Yes, these things do change, no doubt.  But a few beers and a BBQ are still perfectly possible, just with a more feminine thread running through the interaction.  I'm meeting up with an old friend tonight and we're doing beers - I just drink less now, and let him finish them off for me.  As for opening a few car hoods, Eva, you and I prefer to not do this now, but it's still possible to ooh and aah over gleaming paintwork or a nice sounding engine.  I can't say I miss the old days, really...

[Tessa James]

I am totally impressed with people who transition while in a career field or job.  I internalized too much of the hate talk, jokes and outright discrimination I saw and felt for even being considered gay.  Transsexuals were once a salacious spectacle in surgery.  I worked in some of the most intimate personal situations of surgery, labor and delivery.  We shared segregated call rooms, bathrooms and showers.  I tried but just felt unable to handle the wall of disrespect and disapproval I witnessed back in the dark ages.

Now I am an advisor and consultant to that same group, Kaiser Permanente, and love seeing the changes.

Thank you to all who continue to stand up for truth and justice.

[Stevie]

On your question, you have the dual advantage of knowing this man, and you are already established in your company.  I wouldn't expect any issues.  This said, if I was in your shoes, I'd gently establish the ground rules, including discretion around your colleagues and other points.  Nothing militant, just weave it into a conversation

Hugs
Julia

I think your right about the rules Julia, I didn't address this soon enough with the people I work with.

[Dena]

Not all conservative/small government types are bigots.  I identify with those politic as do many of the people around me at work. I don't know what goes on over the grape vine but everybody treats me well to my face. Most people are good regardless of the side of the political fence they are on but it only takes a few loud mouthed people to ruin it for everybody. Treat your co-worker with respect and I suspect you will see it in return. There may be a few awkward moments but they will pass.