Over the line comments

[ChiGirl]

I need some opinions to see if I'm overreacting to some comments my wife made.  In the last week, she's made 3 snide comments about me hiding behind my dysphoria (and she pronounces dysphoria very sarcastically).  That hurts.  But today she was mad at me for having work half a day before we leave for vacation while we just found out her sister's husband is dropping out of the family trip entirely because of work.  While she was yelling at me, I said "At least I'm not (you're brother-in-law."  Maybe I was over the line there but it's true.

Twenty minutes later, she makes a comment how maybe she should just repress and deny her feelings for 20 years like I did.  I'm still stunned by it.  She's been so supportive, but she makes comments like this when she's angry and I don't want to deal with it anymore.  I need and deserve real support and positivity in my life.

Am I making too much of this?  It really hurt.

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[Jill F]

Unfortunately when one spouse transitions, the other one must as well, and in their own way.   It sounds like your wife has some resentment and bitterness that may be best addressed with the aid of a therapist.   

[katrinaw]

hugs....

People say the most hurtful things in arguments... no matter how hard we try not to, it just comes out inappropriately and at the wrong time!

Let things calm down and raise the subject again, if she's been supportive historically she will openly discuss and I am sure you'll find it was a "moment thing". She is probably still emotionally trying to work things out and while she's doing that, arguments will tend to bring it to the surface.

Just my thoughts as an outsider...


L Katy 

[Dena]

When I first met my roommate she had a temper. I would say something, she would misunderstand and blow so bad that she would drive me to tears. This was post transition so my emotional walls were no longer up and she could do some real damage with words. After a while my roommate learned that I had no intention of harming her and if the message was wrong, she misunderstood it. In addition she moderated her tempers so I rarely saw it.

You are going through an adjustment in your relationship and out of the rut you have been for years. You knew where everybodies buttons were and you avoided pressing them. You now have a new set of buttons and there is going to be a learning process while you get to know each other again. Yes you were hurt but I am not sure your wife understands the damage that she did with her words. Your wife was also hurt with your words as well. The support you get from your wife will depend on the support that you give her. Even if you get along well, this is something she didn't sign on for and there will be mistakes. After both of you cool off you might consider talking with her but address how you hurt her first.

[Mariah]

It's true that our loved ones have to transition along with us and they do so in there own way. It might be time for the aid of a therapist to help through this stage in your relationship with her. I hope everything works out. It takes time. Hugs
Mariah

[Laura_7]

It seems you both have a habit of supressing a bit and then snapping.
You might try to not make reproaches and not make hurtful comments.
After all in a partnership people should try to support each other.

You could try to really talk about it... not making reproaches but stating ones feelings... hearing the other out, and trying to understand and find a way to move forward.
It seems she still clings to some old expectations. You might talk about it. Its possible she can see that things might be different yet still fulfilling.


I'd echo that a therapist or pair therapist would be of advantage.

hugs

[ChiGirl]

Thanks, everyone.  The only problem with therapy is that this happens at our therapy sessions, too.  We rarely accomplish much. 

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[Mariah]

Maybe separate therapy sessions are required for a bit then to help work through somethings tell therapy together can get somewhere. Hugs
Mariah

Thanks, everyone.  The only problem with therapy is that this happens at our therapy sessions, too.  We rarely accomplish much. 

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[Laura_7]

Thanks, everyone.  The only problem with therapy is that this happens at our therapy sessions, too.  We rarely accomplish much. 

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Well then this looks like a pattern.

You have expectations and she has expectations. Maybe both are of the opinion they are right and the other one should give in.

A solution could be if you would listen to the other and hear the other out. Both could talk about really underlying feelings and expectations. Often it stays on the surface with a lingering feeling underneath.

You might try to keep this in a non reproachful tone. Simply stating your needs and emotions. As soon as you lash out, the old pattern is restored.
Its completely ok to state ones needs and emotions. Its a different thing to be reproachful.
Its possible there is some feeling of guilt on your side... and that you have expectations.
You might talk about both. Same for her. There might be deep emotions coming up. So lashing out might not be a good idea.
You might reassure each other of your love, and that it can be done.
And if you for example would expect her to be supportive, you might say so. But not as expectation but as wish. That you'd hope she would support you.
And hear her out with what she would like to have... maybe there is a compromise possible.
If she lashes out you might say so, in a non reproachful way... like you feel hurt if she reacts like that.

Here could be some pointers stating being tg is biological, meaning its not a made up whim:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077

Baseline: not to go back into a pattern where you exchange hurtful things but really talk about underlying wishes and hopes. Its possible she does not talk about what really is an underlying factor... so asking and talking further might be necessary, if its felt this was not really all...
all if possible in an agreeable atmosphere, where the other is given a feeling they are understood....
and its possible to describe ones own emotions and reasons without being reproachful...

Well it might take some practise not to fall into the old pattern...
not answering right away but taking one or two deep breaths might help...


hugs

[cindianna_jones]

Sometimes the best approach is to give in and say, "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I love you." Of course if you end up doing this every day then you have some real issues. You've been dealing with this a lot longer than she has, so it might just be an emotional lag. You may also be facing separation sometime down the road. Our significant others really get a shock when they are confronted by our wishes and actions.

I truly wish you the best and hope that everything works out for both of you.

Cimdi

[Eveline]

In the last week, she's made 3 snide comments about me hiding behind my dysphoria (and she pronounces dysphoria very sarcastically).  That hurts. 

Ouch. If your wife hadn't been sarcastic, it might have been a good opening.

If she's truly afraid you're using dysphoria to avoid responsibility, then maybe giving her some counter examples would help. Are there some relationship issues you're working on that aren't related to being trans? It's possible she needs the reassurance.

Or maybe she was just lashing out. Just a thought...

[JoanneB]

Sometimes the best approach is to give in and say, "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I love you."

Us Red Green fans all know "The Man's Prayer"
I'm sorry. I can change. If I have to. I guess


Ok... Maybe not that extreme of a change

My wife can be downright brutal with her comments when she is overwhelmed or in pain. Which is often these days. Yes, there is some underlaying hostility bubbling up and out when the filters get turned off. After 6 years she is only less not thrilled about my (non) transitioning, loosing a husband, the betrayal etc..

[Hermosa_Tabby]

Try to find a support group. You may have trouble relating some of how you feel to your spouse, and she may best get the message via a similar example from someone else.

I find that people who love transpeople need just as much support (in some cases more) than transpeople themselves. I would love to get my bf into a group that can help him fully reconcile his desires for me. He has made leaps and bounds, but I am guessing he feels lonely sometimes with not having anyone to talk to about it but me.