Anyone stayed with their (hetro) wife?

[PennyW]

So I haven't posted here before, only a few comments. Have been lurking for quite a while however so I don't need the welcome post.

Anyhow, I'm 39, M2F, very strong transgender feelings for about six months now since one day wondering to myself - why is it that you've removed all your body hair, started growing your hair, buffed your nails, and experimented with self-medication? (Yep deep repression).

Anyhow, have done some therapy, out to my wife and my mum - the two biggies, and approved for HRT. Working on voice - doing really well with it and getting right gendered on the phone. Mannerisms have shifted a lot. Went to a party all dressed up and passed ok-ish. (One guy was *convinced* I was cis, some girls had to ask).

But what I'd really like is for my wife to be comfortable with it. She realizes that it's going to happen - there's so much momentum towards transitioning and if I try and fight it I lose. I love her dearly, and if it comes to it I'm happy to leave to ensure her life continues to be happy, but neither of us want that.

I don't know how best to approach it. There's good communication, affection, understanding, but underneath it all I just don't think she's comfortable with boobs and long hair. We'd like to remain affectionate (that would be a deal breaker if not), and sexual if possible.

DO I just go for it, get on HRT again and see what happens?

Do we spend some time with me en-femme to lower her inhibitions?

What have other people done that's worked?

[warlockmaker]

I started my HRT and then told my estranged wife and as a result we became very close again. We also evolve mentally on HRT and shift to an estrogen driven mind and your goals in life will change. Remember, gender and sexual orientation are two seperate matters and its a key to a continued relationship. Now some 2 plus years down the road and with her telling me she is NOt a lesbian, I am in the process of reconciling this and seeing how we can be a great part of each others life. We will always be friends as we have a child together, but being a couple is high maintenence in time and emotions and we are both realistic on what our needs are. NO decision yet but I'm strong enough and really at peace and I know I can manage a life in which we share.

There are some very successful relationships with spouces, you can read about them in this Forum, and each of us has their own path.

[PennyW]

| We also evolve mentally on HRT and shift to an estrogen driven mind and your goals in life will change.

I feel like that is already happening. Since self-acceptance (and low dose HRT) my ability to connect, be empathetic, and love is vastly increased. I feel quite guilty about putting her through all this, but I feel this is a path I'm on regardless of choice.

On the flipside, I've defiantly been pretty high maintenance!

[warlockmaker]

I had a great therapist and guide on this journey and he warned me that the initial euphoria will greatly increase our empathy and many older transitioners are guilt ridden and make promices and do things that they later regret. Stay as level headed as you can. You will see life differently - for the better.

[suzifrommd]

I know many people who have stayed with their wives. I also know people who thought it would work out but it turns out not to.

In the end, you can't control or predict what your wife will do. You can only control what you do and how you do it.

I think your approach is best: Do what you need to do to be authentic and make sure the lines of communication are open. No guarantees, but it's the best you can do, right?

[Emileeeee]

I'm not married, but I am in a similar situation. I broke up with my fiance thinking she'd never accept the trans stuff, then during that separation, I came out to her and we're back together again and engaged again. I sometimes feel like she's too accepting, like she doesn't really know what's about to happen, but we have very open communication now so I'm just going to trust that she's sincere when she says she's okay with my transition, no matter how far I go with it. I've also been very clear about my intentions to do a full transition, surgery included.

She does have some fears about me changing my mind about wanting her post transition and I honestly can't say whether that would happen or not. But worst case scenario at this point is that the relationship doesn't work out and I retain her as my best friend, so I feel like it's a win-win situation for me.

[PennyW]

Do what you need to do to be authentic and make sure the lines of communication are open.

I guess that's another issue isn't it. 95% of the time I'm totally in favour and excited to move forward. But 5% I'm doubting myself - is it really worth it if I end up putting the most important person in my life through so much? Will she find a happy place afterward, or will she be unhappy? Will we be able to keep our physical affection for each other?

We also have three young boys 5, 4, and 18 months, so they need to be considered as well. Although from what I've read young kids cope pretty well. They might get teased in high school, but then they might get teased for having a big nose too.

[Dee Marshall]

Lisa, I think most of us go back and forth. We are talking a major, major change. Ask yourself this: if you decide not to transition can you give your family AND yourself a happy life or will your decision make everyone miserable?

After I came out to my wife I saw how truly unhappy it made her, even though she is sticking by me. Because of that I resolved to crawl back into the closet. My wife told me that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES was I to do that. She knew how miserable I would be, worse than watching her unhappiness and that this would make her miserable too. She told me "some things can never be unsaid", and that I would come to blame her if I did stop my transition.

This is the only route to my own happiness and adjusting to it is hers. I don't know what will happen. I came out to her a year ago. She says she still doesn't believe it. I've been on HRT for nine months and my breasts are hard to hide. I still go back and forth.

Maybe we'll refind shared joy, maybe we'll merely be friends, maybe we'll separate bitterly. I just don't know, but this is the only path we have and forward is the only possible direction.

This may not be true for you. Only you can decide. Know, however, that many have gone before and many will come after. Your path is unique, but that doesn't mean that among the many people here others haven't had every experience you have had or will have.

We will listen and we will accept you for who you are and we will cheer you on whatever your decision.

Be blessed!
Dee

[suzifrommd]

I guess that's another issue isn't it. 95% of the time I'm totally in favour and excited to move forward. But 5% I'm doubting myself - is it really worth it if I end up putting the most important person in my life through so much? Will she find a happy place afterward, or will she be unhappy? Will we be able to keep our physical affection for each other?

These will be up to her. You're not "putting her through" something. You're being your authentic self. She can either see it as going on an exciting adventure with you or as a burden she needs to bear. The answer to your 2nd and 3rd questions will largely depend on that, and it's something you really can't control.

Is it worth it? It was for me, and I lost my best (and only) friend and wife of 20 years, and went through months of hell while we fought about how to divide things up. I did NOT have a lot of dysphoria, but once I realized who I truly was, I couldn't face life putting on an act. If giving up my true self had proven to be possible, I still would have resented it and spent the rest of the only life I would ever have wondering how it could have been.

We also have three young boys 5, 4, and 18 months, so they need to be considered as well. Although from what I've read young kids cope pretty well. They might get teased in high school, but then they might get teased for having a big nose too.

If they get teased, it will make them stronger, and they'll learn how deal with it. Being teased is not about being different - as you point out, everyone is different in some way. It's about learning how to stand up for yourself and building confidence. They also might be angry at you for changing yourself, but they'll learn how to adapt to change.

If it helps, here is something I wrote when I was where you are now, trying to figure out whether it would be bad for my kids:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,132473.0.html

[iKate]

Some people remain friends. Some become bitter enemies. There is nothing you can do.

You have to decide whether you want a happy marriage or you want to sort out your gender issues. It's up to you really, and your therapist should help you in that regard.

My wife and I are basically in the last days of our marriage. She doesn't like the new me at all. She's not a lesbian and she wants a man. She didn't sign up for this. That said, we still have to co-parent 3 kids, so we're still going to see a lot of each other.

[Alice Love]

Tough decision. I just ended my engagement, primarily because if I transition, I think I want to be with a man.... Then again, I want to be with a man anyway I think... Hard to say, but as it is she's been nothing but supportive, but sexually I'm just not there.

She's been great, we will always be friends. At first she was like Wtf... But then she started to realize this wasn't going to go away this time.

[Metanoia]

Yeah, similar to others, I'm currently married, but pre-everything and probably starting low dose in the fall. We have a preschooler and have another one on the way come Xmas.

Divorce is likely, if and/or when I decide to fully transition, but I'm using HRT as a test to see if it's truly what I want. She knows this, I know this. I hope, like others here, that we remain the best of friends for our children's sake...

Both of us come from divorced parents, so divorce is nothing new, just something we wanted to avoid. At least having lived that reality growing up, we know what works and doesn't, at least with us...

[ClaireCaithlyn]

Yep Still together en love is just as much as ever.
Hard work? Yep at times it takes patience en understanding for eachother

[Swayallday]

There are some very understanding people on this planet, i'm amazed .

Perhaps I should reconsider staying alone...

After transition 

[Jill F]

I was one of the lucky ones.  My wife told me that she didn't fall in love with a gender, she fell in love with me.  We're good for the long haul.

[Jenna Marie]

I know quite a few straight women who stayed with trans spouses; it was often a tough road for them both, but they did get their happy endings.

(My wife is bisexual, so I lucked out there, but yes - we are still together 6+ years post-transition. My biggest advice is to be honest and communicate, and let the decide for herself what she can handle. The saddest stories I've heard have been of one or the other partner deciding to call it quits and realizing later that they *could* have made a go of it.)

[Debbi Francis]

I have stayed with my very hetro wife of 20 years. We are enjoying a very loving but very different relationship. Four years ago, though we still had a lot of love for one another it looked like our marriage was coming to an end. We decided as a last attempt we would go to a counselor. We found an exceptional counselor with many years of working with individuals and couples with trans issues. She put us back on our tracks, stopped the bleeding and started the acceptance of transition. The counselor definitely made the difference for us, maybe you could consider trying that.
Debbi     

[JoanneB]

I am constantly wrestling with this same alligator. My wife and I have been together one way or another for over 30 years. From day one she knew I had gender issues. She was even OK with my sort of monthly escapes from maleness cross-dressing days. Eventually even staying around the house when I did. Everything was cool because I was just a cross-dresser. No thoughts of transitioning. Been there, tried it twice, wasn't for me. Well, that was 30 years ago. Dropping the T-Bomb on her 6 years ago was not easy, nor did she take kindly towards it. But we got through it. Plenty of honest and open communications.

One great characteristic we both share is that neither of us wants to stand in the way of the others happiness. During my many "WTF am I Doing " meltdowns when I said I want to stop this craziness she was my reality therapist. During her meltdowns when I offered to stop she said NFW.

My wife has and does say "I did not marry a woman. I like men. I like what they have. I like how they make me feel". Since I started down this path I've grown immensely as a person. Being back on HRT has also helped plenty. Our love is perhaps the strongest it has ever been. Yet now I also hear "I cannot think of you as a husband with those bumps on your chest" Or, "I'm afraid of freaking out over your boobs if we tried having sex". Before HRT she often took advantage of how aroused playing with them was for me!

When the rubber of reality meets the road of transition....

My therapist and my wife like to point out that I am not God or some soothsayer. I cannot accurately predict, much less have control over the future. I know I like have all the angles covered before doing something. It's a personal trait and an occupational hazard for me. If, or when, I make a transition, I'd sure like to know how it will mostly play out even before doing it. That will never be.

One day at a time. You may grow closer, or apart. Or both. My wife and I long ago before we actually committed to government paperwork our relationship, we agreed that if the other wanted, or needed, to have sex with someone else it would be OK provided the rules are followed. To date neither of us exercised that option. That option has also been mentioned far more these past 6 years than the previous 30.

When faced with difficult questions or choices, I found that the answer to one simple question always yields the answer. "Which Pain is Worse?"

[Dee Marshall]

Look at you all, ashamed to cry! Not me, tears of joy for you.

[KimSails]

I've been married twice.  My first marriage ended, in part, because of cross-dressing.  My second wife has been very supportive of my transition.