feeling like I'm fake

[findingreason]

Reading this topic really helped me. I've been dealing with the same feelings of being fake, at near 5 months into HRT. Usually I do pretty well, but when I am switching between  gender roles (presenting as male at my jobs for the moment), it really throws me off. I get dysphoric at work, then feel fake when I do present as a girl. I'm not used to my name 100% yet either, and the awkwardness of going through puberty just makes things feel fake.

I think about if I'm making the right choice, but then imagined myself going back to a male body, and I literally cringed multiple times at the thought. So that just makes it clear to me to keep going despite those feelings. I think it is a lot of adapting to a new role. It may be how you identify, but nonetheless we learn a lot about that role when we finally do enter it, and feel really out of place until we can adjust.

Sorry if this sounds weird, I'm sleepy at 3am and am not the most organized in thought. 😛

[Naeree]

I have the same feeling when I start my transition, It's like you have to keep focusing in control your move, your act and how to speak all the time, it's like I pretending to be woman. But after time I just get use to it and everything goes smooth. I have a close female friend that influence me on my feminine reaction as I hangout alot with her, so socialize with your female friend who accept on who you are also might help on this feeling. And I think the hormone also provide me the feminine feeling inside that effect the reaction outside.

Good luck with your transition

[OCAnne]

Hello Everyone, since this forum is about sharing our experience on whatever the topic may be.  In this case the topic of feeling fake.  I'll share some of my RLE on the subject.  Having the wrong genitals for my gender drove me to undergo SRS ASAP.  I would have no peace until 'it' was gone.  If that's the case for others then setting a goal to undergo SRS may help deal with feeling fake.

  My RLE with HRT, makeup or pretty outfits seemed like window dressing on a house with a very poor foundation.  Every outfit had to pass the bulge test, outings had to be well planned to deal with bathrooms.  I lacked any confidence 'I was a woman' and felt hopeless.  In my case, knowing I would soon have a body in harmony with mind allowed me to deal with transsexualism.

I am now four weeks post-op and even though the physical pain can be intense.  It does not take away from knowing I am now a woman without question.  HRT, makeup, pretty outfits and life all feel right!

From what I read the transition experience is different for all, feeling like a fake is one of them.  The positive side is knowing we have options and setting goals to overcome in whatever way one see fit.

Did SRS cure my transsexualism and feeling fake?  Yes it did!  Everyday I am extremely thankful to all my doctors, therapist (several) and talented surgeon for helping me become the real deal in very short time.

[CrysC]

Thanks OOAnne.  It's great to hear confirmation from those that make it there.

[JoanneB]

I felt I should have been born a girl since like 4. For about 20 years I faked being a guy. When I first experimented with transition in my early twenties, I felt again like a fake. "Just some guy in a dress". Between that and other factors I ended it. That was followed by a few more years of faking being a guy, again followed by a transition experiment with the Some Guy in a Dress feeling, followed by faking being a guy again.

IMO, so much of "Faking" feelings stem from Shame and Guilt. Both are extremely difficult to shed. My support group has been a great help, especially a couple of angels that were there for me when I especially needed help. My for real gender therapist is also helping. After a good six years I still harbor feelings of shame over being trans. Last weekend after hearing a Father's Day add I began crying my eyes out over being a total failure and disappointment to him soon also piling on my grandfathers. Lot's of fun.

I am also not full-time time, perhaps you too? That makes it difficult for me to keep thinking and saying "I am a woman". I know when I put in the effort I do feel better about myself and the path I am on.

There are no schedules or timetables. For some it is real easy to flip that switch. For others it takes some time. For other others a really long time if ever. At the end of the day it all boils down to what makes you happier? Is it being a guy, or a girl? Even cis-females often don't feel womanly enough. There are many multi-trillion dollar industries feeding off that!