Hi, new here...

[roscar]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, wanted to say hello. I've been lurking quite a while reading through different posts, and today I've decided I'd join.

I'm a 26yo student, very behind in many things... I never quite fit in anywhere and have always had a hard time making friends for example which wasn't really helped along by suffering from an eating disorder, BPD, social anxiety, self-harming behavior, self-hate etc.

I have a female body and have never much cared for it, just preferred to forget I had one because I never felt very comfortable in it, for different reasons I guess. I always hated being told 'dress and be more girly' and would always go against it, dressing in a neutral and sometimes slightly boyish way. I never tried to label myself and just went with the flow despite being told I wasn't "feminine enough"... yet since about two or three years ago I started questioning my sexuality, then my gender identity, it sort of came at once.

I still don't understand most of it, and I have no clue what's going on in my head but I just feel I want to know myself for once. It's all a big mess in my mind. I have many issues with society and gender roles and I actively hate them, and lately I've wondered if it's just me being unable to manage living in our misogynist society or if there isn't more to it, because I don't think the way I feel about my body (self-loathing, unhappy, like it's 'useless') stems just from the problems I have with traditional gender roles. I thought it was just that I had a problem being called a 'woman' because of all the negative things I associate with it through gender roles (like weakness for example, or moodiness), but it's taken some extreme turns that made me reevaluate that idea (having had a minor breakdown yelling about how everything would be better if I e.g. got rid of my breasts/being unable to engage in sexual activity because of my body (wrong body parts? wrong body image? actual internalized misogyny?? I have no idea) etc.)... As I said, the extreme self-loathing for my body I have is just one of the things I don't understand, and I'm actually afraid it might be more than potential internalized misogyny, which to God I hope is not what it is : ( I'm a feminist, but at the moment everything feels so confusing and weird that I don't even seem to know basics about myself anymore.

As I said, I don't know what's going on with me and it's all very confusing and I'm afraid I'm not making much sense, and to God I hope I don't come across as ignorant and offensive!, but I hope I can figure out something here about myself. Whatever is going on with me has begun affecting my daily life, I can't stop thinking about it. It unnerves me, so here I am, I guess, trying to figure it out?

Thank you for taking your time reading this! I'm actually very scared to post this, because it's one of the first times I've shared all this with other people... It always feels like I should be ashamed for my feelings for various reasons. I'm always afraid of being judged, but this forum seemed like a safe place, so I decided to give it a go...

Roscar

[V M]

Hi Roscar 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

Please be sure to review

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Hugs

V M

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

You could have a look here for a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190583.msg1697728.html#msg1697728

I'd say take the time you need but keep at it...
and it can be fun to explore...


*hugs*

[Jacqueline]

roscar,

Welcome. I think I recognize how you feel from my introduction here. It is overwhelming, but it is also helpful to just share with others.

Are you seeing a therapist? I found it very helpful for clarifying thoughts and the rift between feelings and thoughts. I too have had much self loathing and shame. I am by no means free from these problems(and a number of others). However, I feel I have hit some depths and may be on my way back up. I hope this is true for you as well. Talking to someone face to face is very hard but good(whether a safe and trusted friend or therapist who has no judgement).

This site is full of people who care and try to help. You are not alone. As someone noted in a post the other day, it does not replace a trained professional.

Relax in the knowledge that many here have been through a journey similar to yours and had the same or similar  feelings. If you need help or suggestions, please ask. Ultimately, it should be your decision among those suggestions. Grab it and make it your life worth living.

With loving thoughts,

Joanna

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You are making a lot of sense to us because you are speaking our language. Gender Dysphoria  takes different forms in each of us with some people being upset with parts of their body and other unhappy with the whole body. My brand was just being socially a male and having the aggressive hormones working on my peaceful brain. You are very new to this and you need to learn basic concept before you can understand your feelings. There is a video set on youtube called "The Transition Channel" that lays out many of these concepts and I suspect you will see many of your feelings described in the video. You will need to look into therapy if for no other reason to help you deal with the years of emotional baggage you have picked up. It will involve hard work but there is happiness in your future.

[gennee]

A hearty welcome to Susan's, Roscar.

[Mariah]

Hi Roscar, welcome to Susan's. A good start would be to see a therapist to help sort through everything. I know it seems so confusing and overwhelming at this stage. Your not alone in that fact many of us felt the same way when we first started sorting through everything. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's Place.

[katrinaw]

Hey Roscar, welcome to Susan's... so nice to have you here...

I think many are confused especially as they look back and think about the future, gender therapists/counsellors can help you, also we are all here to help you figure yourself out too... Certainly we one big happy family that will support you moving forward.

Wish you well moving forward and as I said welcome and I do look forward to seeing you about here.

L Katy 

[roscar]

Hello everyone,

I must admit this hearty welcome is so relieving. I was so scared upon publishing that introduction because I thought I must come across as ignorant/arrogant/offensive or completely not making any sense at all, but being told "I speak your language" is something that is incredibly relieving.

Thank you so, so much. I'm keeping looking around, and just reading about your guys' experiences and thoughts and emotions have made me feel ever so slightly more settled, like I might not be wrong here after all.

roscar

[davexalex]

Hey Roscar
I've felt what you have and gone through the whole "dress more girly, be more girly" with my family and even with my friends.
It's hard and it can create great conflict within one's self and can create sort of inner hatred and depression because you cant seem to please people around you, again this is what i've gone through in my life.
I found that it really helped me to surrounded myself with people that even if they don't understand at least they support you. And it's really good to have someone to talk to about issues that go in your head. Places like here are a great way to get all of that out, but also a therapist helps a lot. Just make sure you find one you can trust and wont judge
I hope i could help, and welcome
David


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk