Sorry it took me a while to give my full reply, I just wanted to sort out my thoughts on the matter.
As I said I struggled with that unhappiness for many years, and even for several years into T. I had a sum of very bad experiences that made it hard for me to feel like my transition wasn't obvious to everyone around me. I had bad family experiences, a delayed transition, and well-meaning friends who just...made transition everything I was. And EVERYONE knew. I was stealth to no one and had trouble passing for a good time while on T too. I had some experiences that were flat out abusive and traumatizing that were directly related to transition as well. No one ever asked me questions about much else, like my interests, my dreams, etc...it always ended up coming down to the gender issue which was so dehumanizing. Even my profs were guilty of it. It's hard when everyone knows and you haven't had any control over the process, it really is. Don't minimize those feelings because they are completely legitimate. I had times where I wanted to detransition, not because I wanted to be a woman, but because being trans was so painful and I couldn't see any hope for a future where it didn't have to be a front and center issue for me and for others. I felt that at least if I was a woman again, I could be seen at face value (genitals/appearance match) and people would treat me as an actual person with diverse interests, as a potential romantic interest, rather than being unable to look past the transition issue. I missed the freedom that came with being seen clearly as one or the other. But going back was not an option, as I knew I was not functional or happy as female. And I won't lie, at points, I felt extremely suicidal because I just wanted the pain to stop.
That went on for years and finally I entered a very deep depression that lasted for 2 years, summer 2012 to summer 2014. I stopped working on my university. I only left the house once a week to teach on campus, and when that was done, for the next 8 months, I only left the house once a month to go to the doctor. I could go days, literally, without seeing or feeling the sun, and when I did it was when I stepped into the backyard. I can remember just feeling like there was nothing, no purpose, no future...I'd stay up most nights drinking whiskey, listening to sad songs, and crying until 5 am, and then sleeping until 3 pm. And this was almost entirely due to the fact that I was so unhappy with my transition and all I wanted was to be more than this...more than the pain, more than the struggle, I wanted to be seen as a full human being again and not have to talk or think about transition every day because some dimwit thought it would be cute to ask a question or make a comment that I'd already heard a hundred times from others.
Anyway I finally ran out of money and credit and I was in dire straits. So I started applying for jobs that I had never even thought of before...working in mental health, ironically enough. When I went for the interview, I was seen as male and there was no question, which surprised me, given that I was convinced I was "clockable" and looked female. When I outed myself to my boss because I needed a background check, she was surprised, but then said "...ok. Well. I want you to know that this is something that will not leave this room unless you want it to. No one has to know unless you want them to." Later on the topic came up, and I confided in her that I was scared this is all I would ever be, and she said "I think that the experience has made you wiser and kinder, which is what we love about you, and that will always be with you. But you need to know that it is in no way written plainly on your face for all to see. It's your decision how you handle it and who you tell or don't tell, and your decision how you let it define who you are." And it just took time...I was paranoid for a few months on the job, but people came and went, and treated me as if I were cis. I realized that there was nothing to worry about, people didn't even question the "obvious" things like my chest. I thought everyone would notice but it was never an issue. I did out myself to one girl I liked who was silly enough to accidentally tell a few people she thought I was close to and had told as well. They've never really brought it up tbh, and it does bug me sometimes that they know, but it was nothing like my worst fears AT ALL. And no one was as weird as the people at uni were...no one asks questions or anything. I simply said to the people who knew, and the person who told, that it was something that was really personal and that I wanted to keep the past in the past. As far as I know, it has not gone any further, and no one's ever brought it up or made a deal out of it or treated me differently.
Based on what you have written, I really feel like you have been programmed to see yourself more negatively just because you are surrounded by people who know. When everyone in your life knows, it feels like it's "obvious" and like everyone is going to be able to tell. Sadly, I find that often times, especially in liberal places, when people know they like to make it seem like they were "in the know" the whole time cause they think it makes them look more tolerant or worldly or whatever. It's BS. I received the same programming and spent 2 years in almost total isolation, depressed, etc...only to emerge into the world in a different setting where no one knew. And then I realized how far I came. I realized that I was not my pre-HRT self, I was not my pre-passing self. I look different, I AM different, and the world sees me differently than they once did. I have much more control over this process than I thought I did and I finally have the dignity of privacy and personal information. I realize not everyone passes well, but I was someone who did not pass well for a very long time, so sometimes it's easy to think you pass less than you actually do.
I still deal with physical dysphoria and entered a low after surgery when my chest was just the main focus of everything...no work, no nothing, just resting and dedicating myself to healing. I found myself thinking again that this thing was "taking over my life" and I had to remind myself of how much has changed and of all the things in my life that are not gender related. I think if you can find a social circle that is not connected to transition, where you don't have to tell people, it may help with how you see yourself and how much gender-related stress you experience. It could even be something small, like taking a class and seeing that your classmates probably won't question that you are female. When I was still insecure at work, I took driving lessons and first aid lessons and had people say things that explicitly suggested that they thought I was cisgender (including an instructor who made a "->-bleeped-<-" joke -_- and said she can "always tell" um clearly not since you told me to guard my balls in one exercise lol). Those little things improved my feelings a lot and built on each other, until I had gotten over the past traumas and upsets, and the old programming. I actually still occasionally get misgendered, but it doesn't bother me like it used to, because 99% of the time I am seen as a man, and when my friends hear someone call me "ma'am" they laugh hysterically about it.
I hope that helps somewhat. I'm sorry you have to deal with that sort of pain and frustration. I remember it so well and it really consumed me for so long. I'm grateful that I had experiences that gave me a more realistic view of myself and my transition, and I hope that you experience the same thing soon for yourself.
