Making progress, but...

[MadisonMN]

Hi,

I haven't posted on here in quite a few months -- in fact the last time I did was to announce my therapy sessions that started in January. Since then, I've made quite a bit of progress . Last weekend I spent a couple days, unplugged, at my mom's house out in the boondocks. I opened up to her, and she gave me a makeover or two. It was my first time having makeup put on, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I was taken aback at how much it did for me. It felt soooo great, and my mom was just as happy. We're now talking about maybe finding some more feminine clothes.

But, as happy as I was looking in the mirror, shortly after I started feeling pretty depressed. There's a little voice in my head that I can never turn off. It tells me I'm a pervert, or that I'm just putting makeup on a boy. That I'm a freak. I know none of it is true, but I can't stop that internal voice. It's always there, telling me I can't do things. And now I'm starting to see that, for all the progress I'm making, this voice is going to be my biggest obstacle that blocks me from being myself. Have any of you had experience with this, and what's your advice? It feels like such an unbeatable hurdle.

Thanks

Madison

[amber roskamp]

Hi,

I haven't posted on here in quite a few months -- in fact the last time I did was to announce my therapy sessions that started in January. Since then, I've made quite a bit of progress . Last weekend I spent a couple days, unplugged, at my mom's house out in the boondocks. I opened up to her, and she gave me a makeover or two. It was my first time having makeup put on, and I wasn't sure what to expect. I was taken aback at how much it did for me. It felt soooo great, and my mom was just as happy. We're now talking about maybe finding some more feminine clothes.

But, as happy as I was looking in the mirror, shortly after I started feeling pretty depressed. There's a little voice in my head that I can never turn off. It tells me I'm a pervert, or that I'm just putting makeup on a boy. That I'm a freak. I know none of it is true, but I can't stop that internal voice. It's always there, telling me I can't do things. And now I'm starting to see that, for all the progress I'm making, this voice is going to be my biggest obstacle that blocks me from being myself. Have any of you had experience with this, and what's your advice? It feels like such an unbeatable hurdle.

Thanks

Madison

Hun, the hardest thing about being trans in my experience so far is the internalized transphobia that is a result from us living in a society that is poisonous to trans people.

This feeling that I'm either a huge pervert, a delusional person, or a big joke are things that I had to overcome before I let myself be a genuine person. I know your struggles and my heart goes out to you.

*hugs*

Also the voice is a big issue but it can be tamed, and even if it's not perfect it isn't gonna make you less of a women

[MadisonMN]

Thank you so much amber it's nice to know that other people have experienced the same thing. I'm just not sure how to tame the voice. It'll take time and hard work, but I know I can do it eventually. My desire to be happy has to outweigh it.

[suzifrommd]

There's a little voice in my head that I can never turn off. It tells me I'm a pervert, or that I'm just putting makeup on a boy. That I'm a freak. I know none of it is true, but I can't stop that internal voice. It's always there, telling me I can't do things. And now I'm starting to see that, for all the progress I'm making, this voice is going to be my biggest obstacle that blocks me from being myself. Have any of you had experience with this, and what's your advice? It feels like such an unbeatable hurdle.

Thanks

Madison

Don't try to turn that voice off.

Answer it.

Practice responses like:
* I am a fabulous women.
* I am brave and strong.
* I am proud to be the wonderful person I am.
* I am beautiful inside and out.

[Laura_7]

Here is a brochure by a reputable provider stating being tg is biological:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077

You could read it through... and try to use it as helpful thoughts...
its neither the fault of some tg person nor their parents upbringing etc.

Transgender people have been around in all cultures. In some acceptance is different.
So other peoples voices can simply be wrong.

f you have such voices you might tell them to go away. Literally, a mental note nside your head.
Its some internalized voices of others.
Its not your fault that others have wrong impressions.
You might just tell them to go away, and they should eventually subdue.


Another good but maybe a bit spiritual solution might be to ask a spiritual figure you trust to take the voice away...
or an angel... simply a being of light... just a short mental note...
this can subconsciously create the space to relax and build some trust and make space for a feeling of serenity.

Some people have reported relief by this for compulsive thoughts.

You also might try to stick to positive and encoraging thoughts...
and evoke them, thinking of uplifting things.

many *hugs*

[MadisonMN]

Thanks so much suzi and laura, those are very good suggestions. The sooner I learn how to cope with this, the better off I'll be.

Thanks so much for the support

[Tessa James]

Madison your description of spending girl time and sharing with your mom was wonderful.  Many of us would love to have that level of family support.  Your mom must be pretty cool.

Those darned internal voices are way annoying and they also represent learned lies and base fears.  We can listen to another tune we sing from our hearts that affirms our right to live freely as our true selves.

The dark side has that molasses like swamp of sorrows and doubts while the bright lights of celebrating your true self can shine on new wings that lift your spirits and take you anywhere you want.

Keep on rocking!

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

Hi Madison,

What you're describing sounds like low self-esteem, and the pinned thread on the topic has some exercises you can practice. It'll take time, but you have the capability to silence these voices. They don't control who you are, they are merely a part of your psyche. Don't let them prevent you from being happy. Discuss them with your therapist, they can also help to get you past whatever underlying problem created these voices in the first place.

Hugs,
Maddy

[RavenL]

Madison, I can really understand the inner voice thing as well. As pointed out already answering that voice back really works! I've looked in the mirror and got "You look ugly and never will pass." Just replied "I look better now then I did before." It it actually worked and made me feel better.

Just remember it might take a little time but don't let it get you down. And talking to a therapist like Maddy suggested will help out greatly.

Hugs
Lady Raven

[Jacqueline]

Madison,

Looks like you and I are nearly at the same place. I started therapy in January too.

The others have posted advice that looks good.

It does sound great that your Mom was so supportive. I have not spoken to mine yet and am not sure how that would go yet.

I cannot offer any suggestions without feeling like a hypocrite. Like most of us, the voices and "realistic", judging ideas are always waiting around the corner. It does not help you but I feel stalked by them too. Solidarity through common experience. I hope your journey goes easier than it has lately.

With Warm thoughts,

Joanna

[MadisonMN]

Wow, thank you so much, all of you, for the support. I just got back from my weekly therapy session today, and talked to my therapist about the feelings. Among many things, she challenged me to think of what purpose the voice may have served. She proposed the idea that perhaps that voice, denying me any sort of transition, was more or less a relic of my childhood, where it "protected me" by keeping me from being "different."

It was an interesting way to think of it, other than just some opposing, malicious opinion. Understanding where the voice comes from is going to be a huge boon in working around it. Again, thank all of you for your support, and the self esteem pinned post was immensely helpful as well

Hugs all around,

Madison