Dealing with unexpected sad reactions from people?

[Hermosa_Tabby]

Ok, so I am kinda well past the coming out of the closet phase, but as I didn't exactly transition I think as many do, i still deal with new reactions.
I came out in a somewhat assholish sort of way and physically transitioned before telling friends and family. I had a point where i was abroad and moved to a new area and i just changed my identity entirely.
My friends tended to be the bro types in some respects. I expected taunting, teasing, somewhat hostile disatisfaction. I never expected the unified reaction of these guys finding out and getting really sad.  I have built a defense for the other stuff, but this just threw me off terribly badly.
My biological mother reacted with a mix of hostility and sadness.
I don't understand grief very well, but these people turn to me to help them cope with the loss of me. It is awkwardly paradoxical to do so. A lot of old friends are finally hearing the gossip some 1.5 years into my transition and I could use some psychological tools to help them.
Any advice?

[Ms Grace]

For some reason, when it comes to people finding out about our transition - no matter how you go about it - most people seem to act as if it is all about them. They don't seem to care about our feelings in the matter, to them they have "lost someone" so I'd say that is the sadness you are coming up against.

I encountered that with some male friends, even the ones that were very supportive. Certainly that seems to be at the core if my father's resistance.

The bottom line is though that you are not responsible for making them feel better about your transition, that is something only they can deal with themselves. Just show them that you are essentially the same person but happier.

The weird thing I found about coming out was that the further I was from people emotionally the happier they were for me, the closer I was the sadder they were for themselves.

[LordKAT]

I suggest sympathy. They are feeling a loss and the stages of grief are gone through for emotional loss whether it be marriage, children growing up, a job or the person they once knew. This is be true even if they love and accept you. If they aren't showing anger and derision, give them time to grieve as you would for a sibling.

[Lady Smith]

It's similar to grieving for the loss of the person they knew as if they'd died, - which in a sense is true.  As with any situation of loss and grieving all you can do is be patient and give them time.  Unfortunately there is little you can do to relieve their pain, they have to learn how to do that themselves.
The problem they have is that someone who looks vaguely like the person they used to know is still around which makes it difficult for them.  I'm dealing with a similar situation in that my Mum is in 24hr care for severe dementia.  In effect I've lost my Mum exactly the same as if she'd died, only problem is there is someone at the local nursing home who looks a lot like my Mum, but just isn't anymore.  Nobody can help me with my grieving for my Mum and my pain, they can be sympathetic and supportive sure, but I'm the only one who can actually come to terms with it and get to the other side of my grieving.

[Carie Lynn]

I have just recently openly declared my transgender identity at 58 yrs old and we'll the result was awful. Fortunately after a year now everyone in my life is growing more and more supportive as they finally put together the pieces of my life and this declaration now clears up all the confusion in my family. After years of addiction and multiple suicide attempts I simply had no other choice if I was to continue living this life. Though I do not have the resources to undergo GRS my femininity and clothing choice while subdued is now being accepted and I am in a greater state of balance.

[Mariah]

I know how that feels as I watch my mom's memory just fall away piece by piece due to dementia as well. Lady Smith you have my sympothies for what your going through in relation to your mom. LordKat and Lady Smith hit this on the nose though. They really are grieving the loss of the person they know and in since have start over with the new person if they so choose too. It's not something to be rushed as they can only go through the 5 stages of grieving when they are ready. It should be noted not everyone is able to finish the complete grieving process. They just can't seem to get past it. Hugs
Mariah

It's similar to grieving for the loss of the person they knew as if they'd died, - which in a sense is true.  As with any situation of loss and grieving all you can do is be patient and give them time.  Unfortunately there is little you can do to relieve their pain, they have to learn how to do that themselves.
The problem they have is that someone who looks vaguely like the person they used to know is still around which makes it difficult for them.  I'm dealing with a similar situation in that my Mum is in 24hr care for severe dementia.  In effect I've lost my Mum exactly the same as if she'd died, only problem is there is someone at the local nursing home who looks a lot like my Mum, but just isn't anymore.  Nobody can help me with my grieving for my Mum and my pain, they can be sympathetic and supportive sure, but I'm the only one who can actually come to terms with it and get to the other side of my grieving.

[Lady Smith]

Thank you Mariah. If you ever need anybody to talk to about your mom you can PM me any time.

[Mariah]

Your welcome and thank You, I really appreciate the offer. I'm also extending you the same offer as well.
Mariah

Thank you Mariah. If you ever need anybody to talk to about your mom you can PM me any time.

[megan7777]

i too find it really weird that coming out causes people to think someone has died. its so weird to me...... when i tried coming out to my wife the first time, she wailed that i had died, and held her hand to her heart. i was baffled, and shocked by the pain i had caused. i  expecting a reaction that i had died. i was sitting right there in front of her. needless to say i felt her pain so sharply, that i ran back into the closet, to try to fix what i had broken.

[Aazhie]

Hermosa- with your 'bro' friends especially, I think they know their relationship with you in going to change.  There's still some deep ingrained gender separations that almost every culture has- it's expressed differently and there are plenty of cultures that celebrate transgender and non-binary folk as the gender they wish to associate most with.  But- it does mean they are going to think of you differently and they may feel obligated to treat you as a woman rather than one of the guys.  So in their own minds at least, they might feel sad that this is going to change, no matter what any of you do.  In a way, certain parts or aspects of your friendship may die- if you are open to still doing certain activities as friends, keeping an open communication about how you'd like to be treated will help them a lot.  It can be a little confusing.  I had a crush on a MTF before they came out- I felt guilty when she told me, because I had not noticed her disphoria and felt guilty for thinking of her as a man for so long!  Not all sadness is personal, I know MANY of my friends felt guilty for messing up my pronouns and I often felt guilty if I messed up about any of my transfriends as the wrong gender.  People might feel they have done you wrong by seeing you as a man, or 'one of the guys' and they may be asking themselves how they missed it.  Your avatar looks very cute and femme, by the way...   If they were seeing you in a more feminine light, it might make them seem more callous and oblivious.  No decent person really wants to do something that makes their friends sad!  Just from statistics alone, the average person on the street is cis and straight, so people tend to assume these things and feel bad when they are/were wrong.  I know a lot of cis people that are happy in their identities and they can relate to being made unhappy by being called something unpleasant, rude or simply just wrong.  They may not feel the specific hurt of gender disphoria, but to be honest- I'm sure most humans are pretty critical of their own bodies for many reasons aside from gender differences and can relate to the feeling of not being happy with one's appearance or social standing, or even stereotypes.  Few cis women and men are perfectly comfortable with ALL the stereotypes of being their gender...  Maybe some of them can relate to wanting to feel feminine or not stereotypical GUYS in some way or another!

@megan7777 I'm sorry that your wife has such a strong reaction, that would scare me too!  I feel there's a little too much of a loss and grieving on her part, but we all react to things differently. :C

[Obfuskatie]

In my case, most people just need time and space to be able to adjust to a newer version of yourself. The stages of grief are apparent, however you are still the same person, just wearing different clothes and not restricting yourself from femininity. Any jarring realization that you've been hiding aspects of yourself will be diminished with further honesty on your part. If they are important to you, give them time, and then work towards a kind of reconciliation. They have to figure out how to continue their friendships and relationships with you, but you can help with an infectious smile and attitude. They'll realize how much happier you are being true to yourself by your showing them this proof.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Hermosa_Tabby]

I think part of this may be that no one really saw it coming. I have a friend who has been transitioning for years, still goes by her original name and has participated in many aspects of queer culture for a good long time. With her, I imagine it's more expected by those around her. While with me, it was almost entirely immediate from hetero (more biflexible if anything, but I did not flaunt it) straight to girly girl.
On the plus side, I am making new friends at an alarming new rate. I am starting to come out of my shell (the downside is that it's sometimes scary when people don't know and trying to build friendships that may change again if they do.) Those old friends got so distant that I simply decided to sever the connection quietly. Like you all said, it's their own process and not mine. I see myself as an opportunity for growth for anybody.

I also stopped downing myself for the years I missed out on by not being born a ciswoman. It has given me the power to bridge the gap between males and females and provide very sincere useful advice on people with girl or boy issues.

[Erica_Y]

This \/

For some reason, when it comes to people finding out about our transition - no matter how you go about it - most people seem to act as if it is all about them. They don't seem to care about our feelings in the matter, to them they have "lost someone" so I'd say that is the sadness you are coming up against.

No one saw it coming for me either as if people are experts in detecting Trans* people and that upsets them to be so not in the loop and aware I think.

I have ran into this a number of times and it is unfortunate. If only the same thing happened with cancer patients or what ever and people would see how non-supportive they are and selfish. The good news is that most do come around however it is rarely on our schedule or timeframe needs.

It sounds like you are moving forward and those that matter with join you in your journey!!!