My Brother Is So Cold And Distant

[Kellam]

So I ended up having a pretty good b day. My first public one, in that I let the internet tell people for me. The social media well wishes were nice. It felt good to celebrate my day. I just did me time and cooked and ate yummy food all day.

The day was almost perfect. But I had my ringer on full volume all day, always had my phone with me...no one called. Not one member of my family. My father never calls so that wasn't a surprise. But he didn't wish me a happy b day online. The other two did but for the first time in my adult life they didn't want to speak to me on my birthday. It was like when I was a kid and they would all ignore my birthday. I just never counted...

At first I got sad about this, then disappointed and then mad! I am sitting here on my most important birthday in my adult life, with broken bones and they forget me.

They are just all so damn selfish sometimes!

This year of mine has just begun and I have had two firsts. Finally celebrating my life. And finally getting mad at my family for the way they have always pushed me around. I spent my time trying to be what they needed. Trying to end the fights the three of them are always having. Always comforting them and forgetting my own feelings.

I am glad they didn't have time for me. I will still make time for them. But now I know where I stand. I have less of a family than I thought...

I always knew I was on my own. Thank gosh for friends!

Sorry for the rant if anyone reads this and for dragging my family buisness out in public. But I am hurt, and mad.

It is very late but I need to go for a walk.....

[sparrow]

The Witnesses might have it right.  I've had a few bad birthdays that were so bad, they cancel out the good ones.  Damnit, just started crying thinking about this year's.  Ack.

But really... think of your family as being on a hiatus.  They're not gone yet.  They need some time to adapt, and they just might do that.

Also, happy first birthday!  <3

[Kellam]

The Witnesses might have it right.  I've had a few bad birthdays that were so bad, they cancel out the good ones.  Damnit, just started crying thinking about this year's.  Ack.

But really... think of your family as being on a hiatus.  They're not gone yet.  They need some time to adapt, and they just might do that.

Also, happy first birthday!  <3

Aww thanks sparrow. I didn't expect anyone to read my last post here. I was just well...really pissed off. And believe it or not that was a good thing for me. I almost never get angry and when I do I internalize it. This was more cathardic and after a short walk around the block I felt way better. I won't say they did me a favor but I will suggest that I needed to experience that.

I still love my family with all of my heart. I will now write my sister in law, I was giving my brother a chance before I took action. In two days I will call my Mom on her birthday and help her celebrate. I will keep trying with my brother, and I will call him this fall when his birthday comes around.

One day they may come around. And if they don't well, it is still worth me having begun transition. Because I am still happier minute by minute more than I ever have been. Big hurts can be worked on... I chose to be comfortable in my skin and to stop only living for other people. There were bound to be consequences.

[traci_k]

Hugs Kellam and belated Happy Birthday,

Sometimes children in the family take a lot of parents time away from others. When my wife and I had our son I wound up losing all my friends because I couldn't go out with them and it does sound like your brother's wife may be a bit controlling also.

My advice, never give up on them and let them know the lines of communication will always be open. Forgive and keep on loving them, maybe they'll cpme around.

Again, Hugs,

Traci

[Kellam]

I know this is a forgotten thread but I just thought I would share this as my story with this has moved forward. Basically, I sent my brother an email offering him my road bikes. I am switching riding stiles because of bad habits that got me a broken elbow and rib back in June. My brother and I had always bonded over bicycles and I wanted him to have mine. I thought it would be an in.

After a week he got back to me with the longest email he has sent me in since I began transition. He told me that he has been mourning the loss of his brother. I understand that. But he went on to say he just doesn't have time to get to know a new person now. He called me his sister but treated me like a stranger. He told me he thought "our paths would cross" sometime in the future. But made it clear that he wants no part of me now.

My heart literally broke And I bawled for a good long time until my Mom heard me and came and talked me down. We talked, hugged and I cried for a couple hours. I was able to make an uneasy  peace with the situation.

That was yesterday. Today I sent him an email letting him know that I would respect his need for space. I also let him know that I was not a new person so much as just more me than ever. I finished the note by reassuring him that I love him and will always be there for him and that he will always be in my thoughts.

I learned in my years of getting sober not to push too hard on folks in fragile emotional states. So I am just going to keep the lines of communication open with regular monthly emails. I will keep gender based talk out of them, just let him know I am here and that I am me, if he ever needs the old shoulder to cry on or my ear to bend.

One day I will get my brother back.

It still hurts to have to say that, but I can't go backwards from where I am now. Not for anyone...not even my little brother...