Hello everyone!
This is my first time at a forum and reaching out (except my bf), but I'm excited to join the community!
I would like to introduce myself; I'm 20 year old biochemistry student from the Nordic countries. I live with my boyfriend whom I have been together with for nearly 5 years. It has been awesome.
My biggest and dearest interest is music, games, movies, reading and being out in nature. Science is also a big one. And cats.
I have been keeping a lot inside, so I hope it will help to write it down.
I'm definitely transgender, and have identified myself as queer of some sort as a teenager. I always felt like I'm not a woman and refused femininity at an early age, I got pressure mostly from my mother and grandmother but I didn't let it get to me. I dislike me being treated as a girl and the expectations of being like a woman/girl. I don't wear make up or feminine clothes and I have a stubborn fear of pink, although it as gotten better.
I haven't had contact with any queer community and I have recently realized that I have not had enough information and have had preconceptions about being transsexual, even tough I always have had an interest and felt sympathetic towards trans*. It was confusing to feel like and identify with homosexual men. I wasn't happy with being a woman, but I did not identify with masculine men so I guess I sort of left it there and just lived as me.
Even if I "survived" my teenage years quite neatly, I was and still am overly conscious of my body and also afraid of but determined not to get bullied but still stubbornly be myself. I was polite but closed off, and only let down my guard to a few friends and my siblings. I was confident but also insecure, those insecurities really got to me more than I thought. But it has gotten a lot better growing up and meeting the closest friend I ever had (bf).
The most difficult part for me is dealing with my body, or more specifically my chest. Since I got them I have mostly only wanting to hide them. I wanted a flat chest or at least smaller ones. But yeah, genetics is a bitch and as my female relatives I got HUGE enormous breasts! I'm also kind of thin, so they seem even bigger. Mostly they are troublesome, sometimes they are repulsive and at times OK and kind of nice. The bra I'm wearing is 65J (EU-measurement, in US 30J and UK 30GG).
The thing is, I recently started looking around for means to get rid of them. I never had much hope since I didn't think I could afford it or that it was too vain. I have difficulties with vanity somewhat, maybe by being raised on the countryside, but I am a bit vain so yeah. Anyway, I found out that I met the requirements to get breast reduction paid by the health care in my country. It was such a relief.
I wanted to do it straight away but soon I realized that I not only wanted them to be smaller, I wanted an entirely flat chest. So I did some more research, and my thoughts started leaning towards the trans*. I began reading a lot. I stayed up all night, I had so many questions. I realized that our health care actually could help and pay for transitioning. I watched and read about other trans* and I started questioning myself. I broke down at some point, not knowing how and what to do.
Living with my boyfriend made it troublesome. I had mentioned me feeling like a homosexual man some years ago but he did not want to discussed it much. He generally accepted and loved me as I was, but I knew he might not have reflected much on my gender identity. I also knew he liked my breasts a lot (a bit of a problem sexually, we managed it), so to tell him I wanted to remove them was difficult. But to realize that I was something of the trans* spectra, transgender, genderqueer, genderfluid or transman was both comforting and terrifying.
What was terrifying was thinking all the trouble and attention it would cause to transition. Another big fear was my boyfriends reaction, if he would still be able to love me as a man. So that night I came out to him unintentionally, maybe not in the most graceful and well thought manner. I was too tired to stay up, I cried but stubbornly didn't want to wake him but ended up doing so in the morning. I was in dead fish-mode after crying but managed to try to explain. We talked, it was a great comfort but realized that he had it difficult to understand. He had a more direct view of gender, that a woman feeling to be a man was simply a woman to him.
We handled it together and took care of each other but we have had to separate for some days/a week this last month due to studies and him working in another country. I haven't handled this the best way, I continue to read a lot about this (this forum is great!) and is holding out seeing health care until I am more certain who I am and what I want. I have explored myself more, trying myself in a male manner secretly, playing with the thought. I'm a bit "scientific" in my ways, my bf told me he was worried that I would read too much and have too much of an objective view on myself instead of feeling what is right. It's difficult, I constantly start including others expectations and feelings in my head.
From identifying with a more non-binary view (genderqueer, genderfluid, intergender etc.) at first, I have more and more come to a sense of being transman. It is still a bit scary but I now see how very possible it is. I was so happy when I half a year ago got the courage to get the really short haircut I been wanting, I even wanted it shorter! I realize that I have always somewhat felt that if someone would have mistaken me for a boy, it would have made me happy. The breasts makes it impossible so I haven't tried. The thought of having stubble, a sharper face appeals to me. Maybe I even could start exercising when my breasts aren't in the way making it impossible. I already feel as I behave a bit "manly", but in a more nerdy and calm way. I can be quite loud and adventurous when I feel at ease with the company I'm with.
My dysphoria, mainly with my chest, has gotten worse. I eat and sleep less regularly, but it has been better when I have been busy and with people or when my bf is with me. I want to do something. I'm planning to seek health care and I would like to talk to a good therapist. I'm happy that my bf has said he might want to talk to one as well. I do think I am a man, although it is difficult knowing my past as some sort of woman and the expectation of people from outside. I react even more when referred to as she or female (I used to dislike it before a bit) but I still don't feel quite ready to be called he, even if I like the thought.
Well, I intended to keep this first post brief...
I guess I have been keeping a lot inside and needed to get it out, I'm happy to reach out to this community. Please feel free to reply, and thank you for reading!
