Another Realization

[JynxRosalie]

I've been have a lot of realizations about my dysphoria lately. I've started actively shaving my entire body (I can't buy any other means at the moment because I don't want my family to ask questions) and I've noticed that shaving is actually a very pleasant experience. I feel a little zenned out watching all the hair go away, and feeling how smooth my skin is afterwards, although I've been noticing a lot of red bumps on my thighs. The realization I had came while I was shaving. I was going over my face and I accidentally cut my lip. After it stopped bleeding, I looked in the mirror and the only thought I had was, "At least the hair is gone..."

Thinking about that, it's really telling. To me that's showing my dysphoria is getting worse. Not only have I had a breakdown about it, but now I could care less if I harm my body in the pursuit of feminizing my body. I thought that was a pretty huge sign that this is something I need to talk to a therapist about as soon as I can, but my situation is still less than suitable for that to happen, so I'm simply making due with talking about things here.

[katrinaw]

Hi Rosalie

hugs...
I remember those days of body and limb shaving...yes and the horrid red bumpy rash on the back of my thighs... yuk! oh and sore!

Ouch for the cut lip...

Seriously please be careful, you can really hurt yourself if not careful, and, please do see a therapist as soon as you can.

Katy xx

[Yenneffer]

I've been have a lot of realizations about my dysphoria lately. I've started actively shaving my entire body (I can't buy any other means at the moment because I don't want my family to ask questions) and I've noticed that shaving is actually a very pleasant experience. I feel a little zenned out watching all the hair go away, and feeling how smooth my skin is afterwards, although I've been noticing a lot of red bumps on my thighs. The realization I had came while I was shaving. I was going over my face and I accidentally cut my lip. After it stopped bleeding, I looked in the mirror and the only thought I had was, "At least the hair is gone..."

Thinking about that, it's really telling. To me that's showing my dysphoria is getting worse. Not only have I had a breakdown about it, but now I could care less if I harm my body in the pursuit of feminizing my body. I thought that was a pretty huge sign that this is something I need to talk to a therapist about as soon as I can, but my situation is still less than suitable for that to happen, so I'm simply making due with talking about things here.

hugs I totally understand about the shaving thing

[Ms Grace]

If you can find a therapist to talk to it could be beneficial. Until then, happy shaving and look out for cuts!!

[DanielleA]

Although it isn't a dysphoria thing I sometimes shave the pubic region between the legs because I think the hair is ugly. After shaving I put "Amele intimate hair helper" on everyday following to stop ingrown hairs appearing ( red bumps??) Or you could try the other one that reduces red spots. I hope that if/when you speak to a therapist that things get better

[EmmaLynn]

I just began shaving as well. and yes the little red bumps are all over the tops of my thighs. I put extra lotion on them and it burned like i had set my legs on fire, it did help though.

I know how you feel for me it is my wife who doesn't really want me to do anything femme I had gotten permission to shave my legs but one day i was in the shower and just had to do the armpits, and didn't tell her until after the deed was done. I definitely received a stern talking to and now i am scared to ask to do anything else really. And every day it gets worse to want to keep on getting started being the real me. But I hope that talking about it rather it be to your therapist or even online here helps. We just got to keep moving in the right direction.

[Jacqueline]

JynxRosalie

+1 on the at least  the hair is gone. I have been doing a combination of shaving, epilating and plucking. Sometimes the pain epilating gets to be pretty bad, when bumps are bleeding. However, it is very much like what you describe. The pain is better than the hair. I suspect like you this is something I will bring up in therapy this week. Not sure if this is self punishment, or just what some females go through for the ideal? The big difference is that right now, with no HRT, it all keeps coming back at the same rate. I am pretty sure we are not alone in this. Hang in there.

Please do try to see a therapist. I have found my has helped me sort through things much more clearly and therefore quicker than if I tried to do it on my own.

I wish you an easier journey.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

[JynxRosalie]

Thank you all for your replies, and I assure you I'll be careful shaving and that I'm not doing anything on purpose. I really am looking forward to speaking to a gender therapist, but my situation is still less than ideal for that to happen, nowhere close to it in fact. Being able to talk about things here is a blessing though, and I really do thank you for all of your concern.

Also I find it a bit odd that I get these red bumps after shaving, but they don't hurt at all. I don't think they're ingrown hairs because they aren't painful, but they're not very attractive either. The only reason I don't pay more mind to them is the whole "I'd rather deal with it as long as the hair is gone" scenario. Glad to see other people have had some of my experiences though. Thank you all.

[Metanoia]

Right there with you JynxRosalie... I shaved everything a couple months ago, much to the chagrin of my wife, and so much so, that I haven't been able to shave again, because she likes my hair where it is.... So, for now, I have shaved my face every other day, and that's it.

She's begun reminding me that growing my hair long is not fun in the hot summer months...

So, at least my legs don't stand out when I wear shorts I guess

[Vicky Mitchell]

It all starts off like that.  Baby steps as I always say.  I started off shaving my upper legs so if I wore shorts I still had hair on the bottom half and after a while I just said hell with it and did the whole leg.  That night I could not keep my hand off of them while in bed.  I know my wife was not a fan of that.   But I had to see what it felt like.  Who knows maybe it would have told me that this was not the life for me.  Did not work I just wanted more.  So then I just used a trimmer on my arm pits and cut the hairs short and within a few weeks I was just tidying up the arm pits and finally one night I took it all off.  and have been doing that now for 7 months.    I have since moved on to the arms same thing took the trimmer and shorten the hair to see what I thought and then moved on to shaving them.   So now I am hairless all over.   I have been doing laser since February.  Started off with legs and arm pits before I changed my mind or got cold feet.  Since then I have moved on to the chest and arm pits and even down on the bikini area.  And yes the cuts from the razors hurt.   and the laser I will not say is painless.  But I keep thinking of the end results and just say no pain no gain.    I rather go though the pain now of cuts and such and then sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labor later on.    If you asked me if I do it again.  I say yes in a heart beat.

[Mariah]

I had shaved my body hair all of at different points over the years, but about a year before this go around I shaved it all off and I haven't allowed it to grow back since. Now between, shaving, hormones, and laser it's under control and requires much less work to manage. As others said baby steps are a good way to go. Hugs
Mariah

[JynxRosalie]

I'm really counting the days until I can start hormones at this point. Yes, shaving does kinda zen me out because it's getting rid of the hair that I despise with all my being, but if the hair wasnt there in the first place then I wouldn't need something to calm me down like that. My mind is so conflicted between accepting myself and telling myself that I'm wrong or I'm faking it because I don't relate to a lot of stories I see or feel things as intensely as others most of the time. But when I finally have my own space Im definitely going to see a therapist as soon as I can...even if I have to pay out of pocket. I seriously think this is the only thing in my life I've been willing to go into debt over, and as more time passes the more I stop caring about the fact that I might indeed go into debt for this...I just want my body to feel right 

[Tessa James]

Each journey is unique but i suggest that gender dysphoria is progressive.  No matter how good I was at coping, distractions or denial the feeling of being a girl persisted throughout my life.  Some things that slowed me down were those same questions about feeling I was imagining everything and having a way different personal history than some well known trans people.  Some of us have much less dysphoria about body image or genitals for instance.   Labels work well for a can of beans but we are far more complex with more than one ingredient inside.  Go with your feelings on this ride.

[rachel89]

I totally get the shaving thing. You should have seen me last October. Some suggestions I have is start out slow and do it every 3-4 days for a month or two. then you can get more aggressive with the shaving afer skin adjusts. I still get an occasional cut, but I get less inflammation than I used to. Make sure you use a decent lotion after shaving. You can also buy creams and gels containing lidocaine for areas that get really irritated. Also consider an electric body shaver, its usually a little easier on your skin. Right now, I use a razor on my arm pits and downstairs, I wax my arms and keep it under control with an electric, I mostly use an electric on my legs, and I can just pluck my chest with tweezers. Get a therapist, I'm pretty familiar with those shoes.

[JynxRosalie]

When I don't have to worry about anyone else catching on to my desire to be female, and when I feel like Im stable and comfortable enough to see a gender therapist (basically when I live on my own or at least away from my family) I will see a therapist trust me. I'll also start buying other means of hair removal, such as wax and electric shavers. However, for now I only have what my family provides me, and as much as I hate the fact that it's a guy's shaving cream (mainly the smell of it), at least it's for sensative skin, so that will do for now. Just a little stuck right now...Hoping that changes within the next year...

But thank you all for your input, it means a lot to me.