Parents Unhappy with My Surgery Date :(

[AndrewB]

So as some of you might have seen from recent posts I've made, I have a new ticker counting down to my surgery date, which I was pretty excited about. However, my parents aren't so much, and it's not for the reason you'd expect which is kind of why I'm having a hard time brushing it off. Before I made my operation date with the surgery scheduler, my mom gave me a list of dates they'd be gone camping, and asked that I work around that when scheduling surgery; when the time came, I tried my best, but Kaiser only has 3 plastic surgeons in Oregon, and mine's  pretty much booked solid, give or take a very few select dates. They gave me two options that were before the start of college, one for the 27th of July (which I took) and one for the 24th of August; both were times my parents will be gone camping, so I chose the sooner of the two.

Now, my mom is really conflicted, because she wants to be there but she also wants to honour my dad's wishes of going, because he really wants to. As a side note, she also told me tonight that he doesn't want to cancel because a lot of the time our relationship is rocky and he feels like I don't truly love him, which is totally false, but he has it so ingrained in his head that I swear it's almost not worth pursuing. I try, I do, but he's stubborn. So yeah, mom doesn't want to cancel her trip for dad and dad just straight up doesn't seem interested in making it work, so instead, my grandma and uncle have to come up and care for me. I feel really bad making them come up because my parents won't cancel, but they're the closest family I have and I trust them, since my grandma's been a nurse for as long as I can remember.

Tonight she came to me and asked if I could call and see about getting the surgery date moved to that day in late August, and I told her I couldn't. She asked me, in response, "What's another month?" But honestly I'm a really, really driven person, and it may sound silly to guys that have been waiting years for what I've gotten in less than 1, but I can't imagine getting on the phone and asking to push back something that's right within my grasp, just so they can have their beach trip; they can go to the beach anytime, and my window is extremely limited if I want this literally off my chest before school, so... I don't know, am I wrong? How do I tell her in a way she'll understand, why I can't push this surgery back now and why I seem so unwilling to compromise? I'm not demanding she stay and take care of me, but she insists that she can't go on the trip if I'm in surgery, try as I have to convince her to go. As a side note, I did try explaining that the dysphoria has a lot to do with it (my boobs are my only real area of dysphoria, at this point), and that if I have to wear a binder for another month just so she can have a 3-day camping trip, then that doesn't seem fair at all to me? Am I just being selfish?

Sorry for the novel, I guess this has been weighing me down recently more than it should. So much for that pre-op euphoria I was looking forward to. :\

[LordKAT]

It is your surgery and I find it kind of you to try and work around their plans. Sometimes it just can't happen that way. If it were my choice, I would stick with the date you have already set. Your mom can make her own decision on what she does from there.

I'm not one who could rely on parents for any kind of help in that manner so my answer may be jaded.

[suzifrommd]

If it were me, I'd be pretty put out.

No way I'd delay my surgery so that someone could go camping. And I'd be kind of exercised that my health rated lower on the importance scale than a camping trip.

Which is easier to schedule? The time of a single doctor in a single clinic with hundreds of patients? Or a camping trip that can any time in any of a thousand camping spots?

Stick to your guns, Andrew, and keep your mind on how fabulous it will feel to have a body that's the right shape.

[Dena]

I just did something like this with my voice surgery. I had people I was going to meet with Labor day so I need a function voice. I was going to schedule after Labor day but the doctor had an opening July 15 which would give me 7 weeks of recovery. I took the date because it would work and after telling them, they changed the visit date to the week before my voice surgery. It still works but I would have picked a latter voice surgery date had I known.

You are going to have several weeks of recovery and if your only option is the late august date, you will need to delay surgery or you will not be attending school in the fall. The July date is early enough that that you should be recovered in time for school and I see no other option that the one you picked. The camping trip is only 3 days and your recovery period will be far longer so your mom will still be able to help you.

[AndrewB]

Thank you for the advice and support everyone, it really means a lot. School starts in very late September (the 28th) but I am going to be carrying a heavy laptop every day, so yeah, 2 months of proper recovery is probably best, to that effect—just one more reason to stick to my first date! You all brought up good points, and I'm feeling a lot better about my decisions. At first I thought about just lying and later saying that I called and the later opening was gone, but I don't exactly care for lying to my parents, and I guess I kind of wanted them to know that I couldn't be expected to move my surgery if they couldn't try moving around their trip, either.

Oh and it wasn't so much that she wouldn't be there every day of my recovery that bothered her, it was more the fact that I was going into surgery and she wouldn't be able to be there to support me, know if anything went wrong, etc. After all, normal surgery risks still apply, even to plastic surgery. But hey, I've told her, if she wants to be there, she can be there, if not, I'm not holding it against her. The only person that seems to be making her feel bad about potentially not being there is her, and I've tried my best to persuade her otherwise to no avail.

Again, thank you!

[BenKenobi]

I don't think you're being selfish at all. Surgery is a big deal and with school and the really limited openings your hands are more or less tied.
I would have understood if it was something important like a family reunion or something but...a camping trip? How would it be the other way around? "Oh sorry parents. I can't be there for your sugery because i want to go camping". I'd imagine there would be some words.

[KimSails]

I think you should definitely keep your July date, but mostly for the reason stated in your second note -- healing time before collage.  I don't know anything about the surgery, or the recovery, but I would guess that the extra healing time would be a *bigger* benefit than even you are making it out to be. 

You mentioned the heavy laptop, but what about heavy books, notebooks, maybe a water bottle, etc. It will likely be a heavy load!  Even that aside, if there is still soreness from the surgery, it may impact your ability to pay attention in class and ability to study.

Before you mentioned that, I would have suggested that you call to see of the other date was still available. It would have been a 4-week longer wait for you, but if it made your mom happier, and less trouble for your grandma and uncle, then I'd have looked into it. However, I don't think you should underestimate the impact of the surgery to your strength and stamina on a daily *every-single-day* basis at a time when you really need it.

[AndrewB]

I think you should definitely keep your July date, but mostly for the reason stated in your second note -- healing time before collage.  I don't know anything about the surgery, or the recovery, but I would guess that the extra healing time would be a *bigger* benefit than even you are making it out to be. 

You mentioned the heavy laptop, but what about heavy books, notebooks, maybe a water bottle, etc. It will likely be a heavy load!  Even that aside, if there is still soreness from the surgery, it may impact your ability to pay attention in class and ability to study.

Before you mentioned that, I would have suggested that you call to see of the other date was still available. It would have been a 4-week longer wait for you, but if it made your mom happier, and less trouble for your grandma and uncle, then I'd have looked into it. However, I don't think you should underestimate the impact of the surgery to your strength and stamina on a daily *every-single-day* basis at a time when you really need it.

All very good points, and my mom eventually agreed that with heavy books, laptop, and other such supplies, 4 weeks is not enough time for me to be okay carrying that every day. Especially when, as an art student, I'll be spending quite a bit of times with my arms in moderate-to-heavy usage, daily. The minimum recommended time off work with constant lifting and other physical demands is 4-6 weeks, so I reckon I should at least give myself that much time before I'm making a daily, 90-minute commute to school with books, papers, and electronics galore weighing me down.

Thanks again for the input, everyone!

[Mariah]

As others have said, it's your surgery and not their's. I think we try to accommodate when we can, but with somethings like this we have to have them done on our time table based on a set of factors and situations others may not fully understand. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[FTMax]

You gotta do what you need to do. Once I scheduled mine, there was no way I'd reschedule, unless it was for an earlier date. And honestly, you probably won't need too much help around the house post-op. Especially if you plan ahead, cook some food, make plans for friends to drop in throughout the day, etc.

You're not being selfish. You really should have as much time to heal and get used to your new chest before school as you can get.

[rachel89]

Medical issues should kind of be a little more important than a camping trip.

[Cindy]

A couple of observations. And they are just comments.

For a young man chest surgery is a dream and it is difficult at times for non-transpeople to fully understand what that means.

Your mum and dad's relationship is something they need to work out. Children should never be a pawn (harsh but true).

Maybe, and this may be a kicker, tell your dad that you would love to go camping with him as his son. But not just now, you have surgery looming. Tell him you are proud to be his son and want him in your life, as your Dad, and tell your Mum the same.

Tell your Dad you would love to learn the wonder and joy of being his son. To be accepted by him.

Then leave it up to them.

[AndrewB]

A couple of observations. And they are just comments.

For a young man chest surgery is a dream and it is difficult at times for non-transpeople to fully understand what that means.

Your mum and dad's relationship is something they need to work out. Children should never be a pawn (harsh but true).

Maybe, and this may be a kicker, tell your dad that you would love to go camping with him as his son. But not just now, you have surgery looming. Tell him you are proud to be his son and want him in your life, as your Dad, and tell your Mum the same.

Tell your Dad you would love to learn the wonder and joy of being his son. To be accepted by him.

Then leave it up to them.

Thank you Cindy, for the insight, and I do think I'll be using a lot of this to strengthen my bond with my dad in the future. My relationship with my parents is actually really good, and I should note that last night they did cancel their trip for me. My mom also told me that one of the reasons it was so difficult to give up was that they've been trying to book a summer camping trip at any of the beach sites for 2 years now, and they finally got one this year (just the one), and they were unable to rebook after they cancelled; everything was all filled up, reservation-wise. So to be fair, I can see why they're pretty bummed, and bummed they were.

I am glad they cancelled though, and can be there for me on what will probably be the biggest day of my life for quite a few years to come. To be honest, being left in the care of my uncle, who wouldn't have even been able to go to the Pre-op to hear instructions on care and such, was more than a little scary to me. He's a great guy, and probably my closest relative, but he's no medical professional.  Again, everyone, thank you so much!