Connecting with the Past and Envisioning the Future

[Escher]

Hey ya'll,

Ever since I discovered and accepted that I am trans, I recognized my inability to imagine the future. While I'm a super hard worker, have graduated from high school, college, and now am in the workforce, I never had the ability to envision myself growing up. In fact, now that I am out of school, I find it ever increasingly difficult to imagine what my next steps in life should be if they don't involve transitioning. I brought this idea up to my therapist and she said that it is a common feeling among trans people.

I recently made another realization and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced a similar feeling. When I connect with friends and family, it has always been a very fleeting type of connection. It's like there is a threshold of closeness and it is impossible for me to let anyone else in above that threshold. It has always been easy to move away ( I moved across the country when I was a teen, I moved again to go to college, and then I graduated from college and removed myself from a lot of my college friends) I don't think it is because I don't like the friends I've made. I think it is because I couldn't connect with myself and thus couldn't connect with them fully...? Or maybe it is because I feel like they couldn't connect with the real me since they perceived me as female...? And maybe it isn't trans-related at all and I just have a thicker shield than most?

What do you guys think? Have you felt this way?

[captains]

Whoa. I definitely could have written that post.

[Aazhie]

I find it ever increasingly difficult to imagine what my next steps in life should be if they don't involve transitioning.

This especially.  I have a tough time connecting with SOME family,mostly because we have little in common :/  I don't think it has so much to do with my trans nature, past or present.  It DOES feel easier to connect with people nowadays.

But when I first started thinking about what was wrong with me a few years ago, I had been kind of bottling up the thought that I was trans.  When I lost my job, I had a little severance money and saw an ad for the local clinic  starting a transgender aid for free.  I probably sat on it for a few weeks but it was inevitable. I couldn't NOT call, so I waited until they were closed and left a message. I was scared as heck, but couldn't see taking any other avenue.  It made me realize how suicide can seem like "the only way" for some people. When you are at the edge of a big insight like that, it's scary to keep going AND turn back, never seems like there is an easy choice there.  It felt like there was nothing else I could do, but it was pretty frightening taking those first few steps.  I am thankful the community I live in is very queer friendly.  It made all the difference but I still would have had to have done something even if that weren't the case!

[Escher]

Thanks for the responses, guys. It's nice to be reminded that I'm not alone in this. That's one reason I'm so thankful for this online community of trans men and women.

When you are at the edge of a big insight like that, it's scary to keep going AND turn back, never seems like there is an easy choice there.

I relate to this wholeheartedly, Aazhie. hah the struggle is real.

[garywymer2015]

How long have u been doing this

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[Deborah]

I know exactly what you're talking about.  I have never felt any real connection to the past.  I was popular and had lots of friends in high school and college but once it was past whatever connection I had seemed to disappear.  Even though people from then have contacted me and I have been invited to reunions and such I just feel no motivation at all to reconnect.  At one point I considered if I might be sociopathic but after rejecting that I just figured nobody really knew me and so relationships weren't really real either.


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[FTMax]

Definitely identify with this. I honestly think it's why I currently feel like I'm at an impasse in my life.

I think in a lot of ways knowing that I ultimately wanted to transition made it difficult to settle into anything. I moved out, went to college, went to grad school, and started working because that's what I felt like I was supposed to do. But looking back, I didn't really want to do any of it. Now that I've achieved stealth in my personal life, I find myself feeling really restless. I can't imagine spending another year in the job I'm doing now, but I also can't picture what I actually want to be doing.

It's like now that I'm me I want a fresh new life - but I have no idea what that actually looks like, especially since it feels like I've already got what most people would consider to be the beginnings of a good one.

[Jameson]

Hey ya'll,

Ever since I discovered and accepted that I am trans, I recognized my inability to imagine the future. While I'm a super hard worker, have graduated from high school, college, and now am in the workforce, I never had the ability to envision myself growing up. In fact, now that I am out of school, I find it ever increasingly difficult to imagine what my next steps in life should be if they don't involve transitioning. I brought this idea up to my therapist and she said that it is a common feeling among trans people.

I recently made another realization and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced a similar feeling. When I connect with friends and family, it has always been a very fleeting type of connection. It's like there is a threshold of closeness and it is impossible for me to let anyone else in above that threshold. It has always been easy to move away ( I moved across the country when I was a teen, I moved again to go to college, and then I graduated from college and removed myself from a lot of my college friends) I don't think it is because I don't like the friends I've made. I think it is because I couldn't connect with myself and thus couldn't connect with them fully...? Or maybe it is because I feel like they couldn't connect with the real me since they perceived me as female...? And maybe it isn't trans-related at all and I just have a thicker shield than most?

What do you guys think? Have you felt this way?

I especially connect with the second paragraph. There is some sort of self-preservation underlying for me. Don't let anyone past a certain point, I'm learning it may have to do with a profound disconnection with self and a sub conscience deep shame/revulsion of my own physical self. I can't let anyone all the way in and as a result have never had a "successful" relationship. I also grew up very isolated due to family dynamics, so that may play a role, I don't know. But I do understand your sense of distance. I don't know if transitioning helps that, I'm pre-everything, though not for long. At this point, I'm just going to make peace with myself and if other things get better, then great, I'll take it as a bonus.

I do think that being on the edge makes makes it worse, you know you will be different going forward, so it's hard to make connections/plans while sitting in the waiting room of your own life.

[Escher]

I do think that being on the edge makes makes it worse, you know you will be different going forward, so it's hard to make connections/plans while sitting in the waiting room of your own life.

Fo sho, Jameson! I'm glad to hear that you're making peace with yourself and moving forward in transition. I love this analogy: sitting in the waiting room of your own life.