Not sure what I am, except awkward

[MeghanMe]

Hi all. I'm a new member here, and this is my first post. I'm... I guess the word is 'curious', whether there are others like me out there, what they've done, and how things have turned out.

I was born male, and I've had a persistent wish to be a woman since my early teens. BUT. I have no trouble presenting as masculine. I don't have traditional gender dysphoria. I'm OK with all my body parts, though I think I might like other body parts better. I do get a bit of a shock sometimes when I look in the mirror, especially now that I'm entering middle age, but as far as I know that's normal for everyone. I've never crossdressed, played with make-up, or anything else, except daydreaming.

Still, I wish I were a woman. I had a dream once where I was the sister of one of my female friends, and woke up so happy I was walking on air for days. I would love to wear dresses, make-up, be seen as and related to as a woman. I don't do those things because I wouldn't like how I would look doing those things in this body, with this face. I want to look in the mirror and see a woman, not just me in a dress.

I may have a lot of internalized homophobia / transphobia.

Sexually, I have some problems. I like women, mostly, but I don't want to be the guy in bed. My relationships tend to wind down after a few months because I just can't maintain interest. Right now I'm taking a long break from dating because I'm just not sure what I have to offer to anyone.

I tend to have a bottled up personality, especially around women, because I'm afraid of appearing to cross some sort of line if I express interest in them as people. Or try to become closer friends. This has gotten worse as I've gotten older and starting worrying about coming off as a creepy old man.

Recently I started training my voice, thinking, maybe I can at least try being a woman online. But that kind of opened the flood gates, and now I'm obsessing on the idea of transitioning, even though I'm probably too chicken to actually try it. The idea of going outside as less than a finished product scares me.

I'm pretty sure this all makes me transgender. Or at least, it puts me somewhere on the spectrum. But I feel awkward about putting on that mantle. It feels like stealing from people who actually have serious dysphoria, etc.

I also have periods where I recoil emotionally from all of this, pretty severely. I can follow a week of looking at before/after pictures of facial feminization surgery, virtual dress shopping, and reading about fashion for the broad-shouldered, not to mention hours of vocal practice, with a weekend of feeling like a schmuck who's just fooling himself and should really just find a date or go play some baseball or enter a beard-growing contest or something. (Not that women can't play baseball!)

I found a therapist and I'm talking through all of these things. But in the meantime, I'm wondering, has anyone else been in a similar boat? What have you done about it? If you have tried transitioning, how has it worked out for you? If you haven't transitioned, how has *that* worked out? Have you found some sort of peace with yourself, whatever you've done?

Thanks for reading all the way through that. Be well.

[suzifrommd]

Hi Pogo. Welcome to Susan's. 

Here are some links to site policies and other helpful information:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

I can't say what you are either, but a lot of what you say is familiar to me.

I was born male, and I've had a persistent wish to be a woman since my early teens. BUT. I have no trouble presenting as masculine. I don't have traditional gender dysphoria. I'm OK with all my body parts, though I think I might like other body parts better.

This is EXACTLY me. A lot of trans people don't fit those "standard" narratives. Doesn't mean I'm not trans. I've been happily living for a woman for two years now (after a bit of exploring and soul-searching).

But I feel awkward about putting on that mantle. It feels like stealing from people who actually have serious dysphoria, etc.

Please believe me, when I say you are entitled to your own experiences and to define yourself in whatever way seems true. The fact that you've escaped serious dysphoria in no way disqualifies you from understanding yourself as trans and from taking whatever steps you need to to live an authentic life.

I, too, never experienced serious dysphoria, but I feel far more natural as a woman than I ever did as a man.

I'm wondering, has anyone else been in a similar boat? What have you done about it? If you have tried transitioning, how has it worked out for you?

Yes. My experience was very close to yours. I'm very glad I transitioned. After a year or so, my therapist asked whether I would ever consider going back. "Not for a fraction of a section" was my answer.

Good luck. I hope this helps. Please keep posting and exploring.

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's.

Some trans do not have dysphoria toward their genitals some have dysphoria about their face and body. There is no rule book.

A gender therapist sounds like the correct step. You definitely sound like you are on the spectrum.

[ChiGirl]

Hi, Pogo.  Welcome.  A therapist is the best place to start.  You remind me a little of myself.  My dysphoria has been much less about my genitals than it is about my general presentation.  I simply want to be a woman and accepted as so.  There's a saying that if you think you're trans*, you probably are.  So now, it's just a matter of finding your comfort level.  Do you need to transition?  Do you need surgery?  Take your time and figure it out.  Good luck and hugs! Remember you are not alone.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

[Mariah]

Hi Pogo, welcome to Susan's. Only you can determine if your transgendered, but it sure sounds like you are. As others pointed out a gender therapist would be the next step generally. My dysphoria was mainly over my genitals, but as others pointed what level and where are dysphoria is centered on differ if we have any at all. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[katrinaw]

Hi Pogo

Welcome to Susan's

Interesting intro and in many respects I see me in much of what you say, with a few differences.
I did have very awful Dysphoria around 5'ish that lasted till mid teens... but when I figured I could not change me, I learnt to manage it all, I did used to Xdress, helped on one hand with the issues I was controlling but also fuelled too.

I did and have passed visibly as male, but always harassed and taunted... so clearly not behaving as a true male, hated male groups, much preferred women and always gravitated there in mixed situations, never liked the male bravado and constant sports and conquest discussions!

At the end of the day tho, only you can determine who you really are, I did a very long time ago, but was helpless in knowing what to do or how too! Only in my late forties did I realise that there was actually an identification to my issues, and, at 50 started my very long transition, by going on HRT... I had to be sure that I could get to have more feminine features, took a very long while, now ready to enter into the final phases.

But the one thing is, the feelings never leave you, they subside and return in waves, and, for me stronger each and every time.

I would say definitely discuss your feelings and emotions with a therapist.

I look forward to seeing your journey unfold and seeing you about the forum's here.

L Katy 

[MeghanMe]

Hi again everyone, and thanks for all the responses. I'm selfishly a bit glad that a few of you share my experience.

katrinaw - Regarding the feelings subsiding and returning, yes, I've noticed that. I've thought I was done with all of this more than once. Anyway, sorry to hear about the harassment and taunting. People can be horrible.

suzifrommd - Hey, I'm also from MD, though I have escaped to WA. I'm really glad to hear you're happy with your transition! (Which may also be a tiny bit selfish, since your experience is so close to mine!)

all - Thank you for being so welcoming!