I'm sorry for what you're going through... I've been having similar experiences. Feel terrible dressing as a man, change, venture out, feel terrible for the attention. I've started to accept portions of this: if I go out dressed femme, I feel good for part of the time. If I go out dressed masculine, I feel bad the entire time. In both cases, my mood goes downhill rapidly. Solution: dress femme. That way, I start out in a positive mood, and don't end up crying alone in a dark corner for two hours at an awesome party.