I noticed you this morning

[Ms Grace]

I noticed you this morning at the railway station as I glanced back up the platform. I noticed you and wondered straight away. It seemed almost uncanny that my mind should doubt you so quickly. I couldn't be sure, of course - you have done well. Better than many others, but still I wondered. I moved nonchalantly closer to another point, a different angle, to see if I was right. I couldn't be sure, yet I wasn't unsure.

What aroused my suspicion. I think it was your hair. Long, thick, frizzy, excessive in an auburn shock kind of way. Your hair drew attention to the part of you it was seemingly trying to hide - your face. Did I see what I thought I saw? I couldn't be sure. I thought to myself that if I was wrong and you knew what I suspected you would probably be mortified. It was none of my business anyway. I knew I shouldn't be peeking - trying to confirm my theory in seemingly (hopefully) casual glances. I knew I shouldn't but I had to know. If I was right you were a rare specimen indeed. Brave? Crazy? Not to me. I needed to know.

The train arrived. You boarded. I boarded - far back enough to seem oblivious to you. I had to study you without raising your suspicions that I was suspicious. You sat. I sat behind and away to the side. My theory was confirmed quickly. It was obvious to me but to no one else in the carriage. It was my secret of your secret. I knew. And I wondered of what pain you might have been through. Your fears. Your hopes.

I was nearly almost sort of like you. Once. So long ago. Was I so obvious too? Or not obvious? Did others keep their knowledge of my secret their secret?

Have you lost friends? Family? I wonder if the friends I lost then knew you as you are now if they could accept you for who you are in the way they couldn't accept me for who I thought I wanted to be?

The train rattled on.



I wrote this well over ten years ago, I didn't date it but it would have been between 1999 and 2005 sometime. It's a true, slightly stalkerish and judgemental account of my random encounter with a young transwoman at an inner Sydney suburban train station. At the time I found her quite confronting, here she was going about her life, no one except me seemingly aware that she was trans. She was doing what I had not been able to do some ten years earlier and I felt jealous, sad, happy and awed. Even when I reconsidered retransition two and a half years ago I remembered this encounter. The fact that I had to scribble down a train of thought account that evening gives me a sense that it was a fairly profound moment for me. Anyway, I found this today and typed it up pretty much verbatim and unedited - I wanted to take out the stuff about "better than others" and "rare specimen" but left them in to show my judgemental douchebaggery at work. It's not meant to be a piece of prose but a random "journal entry" from a time when I was a fairly lost and in denial person.

[Devlyn]

  Bravo for being honest. Thanks for not being afraid to share this.

Hugs, Devlyn

[JLT1]

I did that as well.  It made me realize that a transition was possible.   

Thank You......

Hugs,

Jen

[Ms Grace]

Thanks Devlyn, Jen

I guess the thing I found most intriguing about it was how I wrote it as a letter of sorts to her. I think I must have felt a strong need to communicate with her even if she was to never see the words. So even though I called it a journal entry that wasn't accurate since I wasn't keeping a journal at the time, I chose a random note pad to jot it down in and a journal entry would have read more along the lines of "Saw a transwoman at the station today, wasn't sure at first...etc".

I wonder how she is doing all these many years later?!

[katrinaw]

That's so poignant and probably makes many of us think, well it made me think...

When I first met my MTF friend in a company we worked for, I was amazed at her poise, I befriended her, even though she was US based at the time, we worked for the same company. Anyway we both left and ended up in the same company again, different times, again I was just so inspired by her "just getting on with life" and holding solid roles, where people respected her input.
Again we lost our roles there (company went bust) I went my way, she hers, until we ended up again at the same company, in fact she helped get me in.
We worked together and for 5 years I tried telling her, numerous times, that I too was transgendered, I couldn't, because I felt inferior, don't know why, maybe I was envious?
I left the company and again went somewhere else.
Eventually I went and met with her, I told her, she asked why had I not said before... I said I have no idea, I tried... but somehow it did not happen!
Anyway soon after that I came here to Susan's (best thing I ever did as its given me so much insight into transitioning that I had never thought about)

So the upshot is that no matter how often waves of emotion sway over you, it often takes another being themselves that drives yourself.

Katy xx

[Ms Grace]

From a writing point if view I find it interesting that an out of context reading of it wouldn't give away the trans angle at all, there's no mention of their gender or the fact that I believe she is trans. Certainly no mention or hint of what "gives her away". I find it odd I wrote it this why and I have no memory of what my motive was. I guess that's what happens when you've just gotta write something down.

[Lady Smith]

Thank you so much for sharing Grace.  Thank you so much for not being tempted to edit any of it too, because in its raw honesty it is a powerful piece of writing that re-awakens so many memories of my own.

[Ms Grace]

Interestingly, I read this out to a group of trans friends the other day and I got quite emotional, especially with the last few sentences. Didn't realise it had effected me so much.

[Mariah]

The more I have thought about this and reread it the more impressed I am with it Grace. Thank you for sharing it. Secondly, it makes me nostalgic and wonder what others around me thought as they saw changes occur before my going full time. Hugs
Mariah