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Spouse Having Sexual Issues Due to My Transition

Started by JustZac, July 27, 2015, 01:05:54 AM

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JustZac

My husband of 20+ years has been SO emotionally supportive during my transition. He is pansexual, and an amazing person. But in recent months, he's having a difficult time retaining an erection during intercourse unless we're doing anal. We both believe that while he isn't having emotional issues due to my transition, it may be having an effect on our sex life.

He's going to see a urologist to check everything physical, and then we're talking about him seeing a sex therapist.

Anyone have any experience with this? We don't want to lose one another....
Came out to husband - June 2011
Came out to son - June 2014
Came out to daughter - January 2015
Came out to the world - Late June 2015
Legal name change - July 2015
July 16, 2016 - first T shot!
Top surgery consultations - May 4th & 5th 2016
Hoping for top surgery August 2016
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ToniB

Hi JustZac

My Wife is having problems with my Femininity My breasts bother her and she dislikes the feeling of my long nails when I am touching Her. She said that I am no longer physically attractive to her . But We are trying to work through things together
The girl inside is just as important expecially to Yourself :)
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FTMDiaries

CONTENT WARNING: GROWN-UP STUFF (not too graphic)
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It's great that your husband is pan, and that he's obviously accepting of your transition. I presume that when you say he's having trouble maintaining an erection apart from during anal, you mean he's struggling to maintain an erection specifically during vaginal penetration. He's clearly still sexually interested in you, and the fact that he's so accepting makes me wonder: is it possible that he's had a mental shift that means he now perceives and accepts you as male, but his mind associates vaginal sex with women and anal sex with guys? And now that he perceives you as a guy, a part of him is struggling to consolidate the two concepts? Is it also possible that if/when he's been with guys in the past, he specifically preferred anal? (These questions are rhetorical, obviously. It's nobody's business but yours what the answers are).

If so, it's possible you could both work through this in time, especially if he's as awesome as you say he is. On a personal level, I know it took me a couple of years to get my head around the concept of having vaginal sex as a man, and I'm the one who made the decision to go through transition... so it's understandable if some cis guys also need time to process this. A sex therapist who has experience of trans issues would be helpful if this is the case, and if he has difficulty getting his head around the concept at the moment, it may be a good idea to mainly have other forms of sex instead of PiV for a while, whilst he works through it.

Sadly, my own situation is pretty dire: the instant I came out, my husband (who is actually quite homophobic) decided he didn't want to continue our sexual relationship if I was going to transition. We had sex once after I came out... and that was three years ago. We still live together to provide a home for our kids, and the whole situation is hellaciously awkward as I'm sure you can appreciate.





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Clever

Just a quick note of support and hope. I'm really impressed your husband is supporting your transition and is seeing you for who you really are. It makes my heart hurt a little less.

In January, when I came out to my husband of 7 years, partner of 19 years, he told me that was a dealbreaker and he would never dream of being in any kind of relationship with a man. All I can take away from this is that he loved my parts and not me.

The divorce will be final mid-August.


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JustZac

Thanks for connecting, all. And I'm so sorry for the problems you're all having too. My husband told me last night that he's so scared of hurting me and triggering my dysphoria that he's been holding back. I assured him that he doesn't have to hold back. My issues are my own and I love sex with him. Last night was much better, but I'm so glad he's seeing a urologist and a therapist soon. We've been together half our lives. My worst fear is that I'll lose him due to my transition.

Hugs all around!
Came out to husband - June 2011
Came out to son - June 2014
Came out to daughter - January 2015
Came out to the world - Late June 2015
Legal name change - July 2015
July 16, 2016 - first T shot!
Top surgery consultations - May 4th & 5th 2016
Hoping for top surgery August 2016
  •  

JustZac

Hey guys -

Just an update. Apparently my husband's therapist says he's in mourning for the woman he married, and that's what's causing his sexual issues. She says this is totally normal, no matter how supportive a spouse is. So he'll be seeing her every 5-6 weeks for a while.
Came out to husband - June 2011
Came out to son - June 2014
Came out to daughter - January 2015
Came out to the world - Late June 2015
Legal name change - July 2015
July 16, 2016 - first T shot!
Top surgery consultations - May 4th & 5th 2016
Hoping for top surgery August 2016
  •  

JustZac

So...maybe things aren't as smooth as I thought. My husband is in therapy, as am I. And he claims things are getting better on his end. He can masterbate to completion once more, but we hardly ever have sex...and if he reaches orgasm, it takes forever. Outside the bedroom, I don't feel like he wants me. It feels forced, like I'm a bother. I'm terrified his attraction to females is outweighing his attracting to me, though we've been together for 20+ years. I'm heartbroken, and not sure what to do...I don't want to lose him. We've built a life together, with a home and two amazing children....he's my best friend (and Pansexual)....
Came out to husband - June 2011
Came out to son - June 2014
Came out to daughter - January 2015
Came out to the world - Late June 2015
Legal name change - July 2015
July 16, 2016 - first T shot!
Top surgery consultations - May 4th & 5th 2016
Hoping for top surgery August 2016
  •  

FTMax

Are you guys doing therapy together? It sounds like you're doing separate sessions, when one with the two of you in the same room may be of the most benefit to you.
T: 12/5/2014 | Top: 4/21/2015 | Hysto: 2/6/2016 | Meta: 3/21/2017

I don't come here anymore, so if you need to get in touch send an email: maxdoeswork AT protonmail.com
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Clever

Just sending support. We put the nail in the coffin of our 20 year relationship this past Tuesday. I'm a bit baffled as to what to do now, as I've been with him half my life. But I just couldn't pretend anymore.


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