Would you prefer a divorce or a separation?

[Wendy]

I spoke to my wife about TG issues in March and I have felt see has been totally insensitive to this discussion and hurts me at every opportunity.  Before I start my discussion let me give a little background information:

1. I am quite paranoid. I feel as if the world is watching me.
2. I asked my daughter while I was driving her back to college if her parents seemed to be fighting at all times.  She said yes and she did not know why.  I asked her if a separation would be sensible and she said yes.
3. I attended a TG conference and did not tell my wife what I was attending.
4. I got a couple of articles of clothing that I want to wear.

........................................................................
On Saturday September 15th I was going to a transgender conference. I had not told anyone about the conference.  My wife's girlfriend drove up the driveway as I am leaving and asked me where I am going.  I told her a conference.  I kept mum about the details and my wife and her girlfriend wanted to know.

On Sunday September 16th I told my wife in private that I attended a transgender conference. She said, "A what conference?"  I told her remember the conversation we had in March?  She said yes.  I said was I clear.  She said yes.  She then proceeded to tell my my son said leave dad alone.  Dad sure has been nice this week.

I now proceeded to discuss the conversation I had with my daughter about our continued fighting.

I then told my wife I am tired of her insults regarding my gender issues.  I then recalled her numerous personal attacks on me and how it hurt my feelings.  I was not sure how she could be this insensitive.  I then asked her if she preferred a divorce or a separation.

My wife looked shocked.  She said I heard your conversation but frankly I thought nothing of it.  My wife said I am angry at you for isolating yourself from the world.

Uh oh.  For six months I have been at war with my wife suffering complete isolation from the world.  One of my friends at this site said maybe she doesn't understand the implications of your conversation in March.

.............
We looked at each other and started crying.  She said no I do not want to divorce you.  We hugged.

I then said I would like to wear some different clothes.  She said fine.  She then said your son  keeps telling me this "G" word about you.  I said you mean gynecomastia.  She said yes and you can wear something for that and something to support your back.  I asked if tonight was O.K. and she said yes.

I still did not tell her about the hormones and at this point I guess my wife thinks I am a cross-dresser.  She does not want me to tell any of the children.

I will continue my soap opera soon..............

[Lisbeth]

You're going to have to bring up the "H" word eventually.

[Alison]

I know telling your wife is scary... and you're afraid that she'll probably react negatively at first..

But she can't get on the road to understanding and eventual acceptance if you don't let her know the whole story...  She has to know where you are, where you're coming from, what your plans are etc... let her in.

Maybe she'll accept and maybe not, but currently you aren't giving her a choice....

[Wendy]

Lisbeth, Alison, and Kiera,

Great comments.  I left yesterday because I needed to make dinner.  This is not role reversal but rather circumstances.  In fact my wife said through her tears, "Who would make dinner if I divorced you?" (Yes she can be funny too.)

I have such paranoia that I am not sure if my wife changed tunes or she really did not understand what I told her.  Probably it was a little bit of both.

Several individuals at the TG conference told me that I needed to bring the TG topic up again to my wife.
.............................

I mean do you think her simply learning to accept you as a private CD would put a final end to your isolation & marital misery? Like I said ask yourself what you truly need to be happy and in the meantime do tread very lightly as wives are very volatile creatures that can change moods like the wind! LOL.

No a private CD would solve little.  But I was not going to pass up her permission to CD.

Sunday night for bed I put on a sports bra, then male undershirt, then female corset, then a male button down shirt and male shorts.  (It is good that we have central A/C.)

My wife was aware that I bought the female corset at the TG convension and the sports bra at the shopping center across the street.  We touched each other's hands but my wife had never seen any non-male clothes on me.  That would soon change.

............................
The sports bra was real comfortable so that I decided to wear it the next day under my male shirts.  That evening my wife and I were alone.  I asked her if she thought the girl at school that used to be a boy was a girl.  She said of course!  I then asked her why.  She replied because she shaves her legs and wears a bra.

Now it just happens that I shaved my legs for the TG forum and I was wearing shorts.

My wife looked at my legs and says your legs are shaved.  That must of taken a long time.

I asked her what she thought.   She said swimmers shave their legs.

I then told her I removed all the T in my body.  She said how?  I said with chemicals.

I then said I replaced the T with E.  She said how?  I said with other chemicals.

She then said your dad abused you as a child and you are confused.

I said I have wondered about that too but where you want to see my sports bar?

She said O.K.

I lifted my male shirts to reveal a black sports bra.

She fell to the floor and sobbed uncontrollably. 

I asked her why she was crying.

She replied because you must be in great (mental) pain.  Do you still have your penis?

I replied I still have my penis and I actually I have been feeling better.  I have greatly reduced the depression.

She stopped crying.

I asked her to go to bed early so that we can talk.  I dressed in my alternate layers of gender related clothing and went to bed.

I told my wife I really need to tell the children.  I am going to be found out and I want me to tell them and not someone else to tell them.

My wife said absolutely not.  She said you need the sports bra for gynecomastia and the corset for your back.

.....I'll write more soon.  I need a break.


 

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Wendy,

   It sounds like it is really going slowly.  I'm sure you realize that you're going to need a mountain of patience for this.  I'm sorry that the both of you are going through this.  I'd like to think that as it goes along, it will become easier and even better.

   This applies to you too, Kiera.


Love,

Rebis

[mickiejr1815]

I know what you are going through Wendy. I am TG as well. My wife was a little freaked out when I told her but she stuck with me because she truly loved me and to this day she still is not completly sure of the idea of me being TG but she is getting use to it, and I have been wife her for 7+ years and she has known about the TG the whole time. For the first few years she only let my wear bras and panties. Then she started letting me dress around the house, shave and wear make-up and now she is starting to let me go out dressed. A few years ago she had to get a wig for herself because she had to have her head shaved and she gave me that wig to wear when I go out dressed. My wife even bought me a pair of adhesive breast to wear out as well. I am now taking H to help.  My wife told me that I can do everything but get rid of my penis, atleast for the time being. To help my wife understand me, I had her read websites about TG people and I even told her what she can gain from it. Like sharing clothes, make-up, necklaces, shoes, and be able to go shopping and have someone who wants to be there with her, unlike most men, how they get bored looking at clothes, and shoes. I have to young childern, they know that I dress but they do not know why, because they are to young to understand. Your childern should know but you should wait untill your wife is comfortable with it first.

If may take your wife awhile to adjust to your coming forth to her about TG and if she truly loves and cares for you she will respect your choice and learn to accept it as well.

[Lisbeth]

I then told my wife I am tired of her insults regarding my gender issues.  I then recalled her numerous personal attacks on me and how it hurt my feelings.  I was not sure how she could be this insensitive.  I then asked her if she preferred a divorce or a separation.

After 10 years I still experience that once in a while, though the insults are usually more covert now.  I've told her more than once that I'll be moving out next year, but her normal way of dealing with things like that is to ignore it and expect me to change my mind.  She confuses delaying with changing my mind.

[RebeccaFog]

If we were men, we'd all be crying in our beer.   

I think this discussion is truly touching.

I'm not having the same experience as the rest of you, but I really feel what you're saying.

[Jessie_Heart]

my wife and I are on a good standing now but it was a long rough road the one part that does help me is my wife has always been more into women than men she just had never acted on it looking back now she says that it was probably the real me that she was attracted to rather than any act I was putting on. we have learned to be patient with one another I am not the only one this is affecting wich is something that it has been hard for me to keep in mind. and soon she is going to go through menapause (everyone in her family has started menapause early) so now we both get to experience a change of life at the same time.
as emotional as I have become when she does start menapause I feel sorry for the kids!

[Wendy]

For the first few years she only let my wear bras and panties. Then she started letting me dress around the house, shave and wear make-up and now she is starting to let me go out dressed. ... Your childern should know but you should wait untill your wife is comfortable with it first.

MickieJr  my wife is angry that I neglected to tell her for 27 years.  I really need to tell the children because two live in my house.  My wife does not want me to tell my son because he is absolutely gorgeous.  I worry about that too.

............................

If we were men, we'd all be crying in our beer. 

Rebis try wearing a tight corset and drinking a beer.

She hates my rather nervous habit of playing with my long brunette hair and as much as she approves and is jealous of my tall & increasingly feminine looking 5'11" frame it bothers me no end that facially I still look very male.

Kiera my wife no longer thinks I would make an ugly girl with a little surgery.  However my face looks male.

After 10 years I still experience that once in a while, though the insults are usually more covert now.

Lisbeth when my wife told me days after my initial discussion that we were a good pair because I was mentally defective and she was physically defective I was positive this was an attack on TG.  She assured me it was not.  She said it was in reference to your countless emotional issues.  She said it was not until you mentioned attending a TG conference for a week that I recalled the conversation in March.

................................

my wife has always been more into women than men she just had never acted on ...

My wife told me she never liked the advances of women.  My wife is a superb athlete and never liked the advances of other women athletes.

................................
Well back to my soap opera.

Early last week it was getting awkward for me to go to bed with alternate layers of female/male clothing.  I asked my wife in earnest while we were in bed and the lights were out if she might want to see my boobs.  (My wife had not seen my chest in over two years.)  She said yes. I then went under the covers and removed all my clothes.  She then can over and looked at my boobs and said they are perfect boobs and they are even perky. (She was the first person to ever see my boobs and she was the nicest human on the planet.  I asked her what size they were and she said they are a "B".  (She was correct.)

Something really odd then happened.  In 25 years years in a male/female relationship with my wife all of a sudden she started treating me like a female and she was the top.  My boobs happen to be very sensitive and it was very different but very nice.  I thanked her and then teased her about liking women.   She told   me she only liked women but she loved her husband.  Sometimes you cry when you are sad and other times you cry when you are just too happy.  I missed my wife so very much.

The next night she was crying in bed.  I asked her why she was crying and she said because she has lost her husband.  I said no you haven't.  I am still the same person.  We hugged and she became a top again.  (I think my wife has more T in her than me and she's a girl!)  She told me my boobs feel real.  I told her they are real.

The next night I asked my wife if she thinks I might be transgendered.  She said no you are not transgendered.  However God loves you and I love you.  She then says to me you must promise that you will not get any operations before all the children are gone.  (I just attended a transgender conference and the couples that survived told me you will compromise in order to make your marriage survive;  however, do not promise what you will not do because you do not know what you will do.)

Well there you have it.  My wife says I am not TG.  I can take reverse gender hormones to curb my depression (Yes they have worked to curb my depression.).

I'll chat soon.  Got to go.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Wendy,

   When you say you're wife agrees you're not TG, are you saying she accepts that you are TS?  If you were implying this, I just wasn't certain.  Sometimes I need things to be spelled out for me.



Rebis

[Wendy]

you say you're wife agrees you're not TG, are you saying she accepts that you are TS?  If you were implying this, I just wasn't certain.  Sometimes I need things to be spelled out for me.

Rebis my wife does not consider me to be TG in any flavor.

She and I now talk about TG issues freely.  She is now reading a book on male and female gender roles. The book says that TG folks frequently teach the medical profession instead of vice versa.  My wife told me I can now go out with females if that helps.  (She is referring to talking to MTF's.)

She is rather ticked I did not tell her for this many years but is happy that we had children.  She said she would not have married me if I told her this and she would not have stayed with me if this information was shared fifteen years ago.  However she understood my personality swings and appreciated how hard I had worked and was willing to stay with me.

We had a lengthy conversation and my wife concluded since my gestures are male and I look male I can only be male.  Then she went over every male characteristic I have and I then I gave her examples of females with that characteristic.  (This is exactly what I have been doing for the past two years via the internet.)

Then she asked me the embarassing question.  Would you like to have a baby like a girl?  I replied yes.  She said, "Really?"  I relied yes.  She asked the same question again and I gave here the same answer.  She then replied that men and women are not that different.

I tried to negotiate with my wife to get consensus to tell the children.  However she was totally against that idea.  (I can picture my son asking me why I am wearing a female corset.  Oh son it is for my back.)

I feel a lot better in my head and with my wife.  I am not sure if I am in the eye/center of a hurricane but I do feel better.

Maybe I am in a safe zone for a while.

Your comments have been appreciated and I hope I can start putting my life back together.  I can not tell you what I will or will not do because I do not know.

[Lisbeth]

Wendy, your story took me back to so many conversations I was part of over the last 10 years.  It will take several years before she will admit that this might be real.