I need help, depressed and miserable..

Hazel.A · July 06, 2015, 08:51:46 AM

hi.. I'm Hazel. I'll try and explain the situation I'm currently in. So I'm transgender (mtf) and I live in the UK. I'll be 18 in September and I currently attend college. I've attended my first appointment at Nottingham clinic and have a second scheduled in the future. The area I live in can be pretty rough, my whole life I've had trouble making friends because I'm shy and dependant on others. I do have some friends though and I've tested the water to see how they feel about trans people. Not a single one reacted positively which makes me feel awful because if I come out to them then I feel as though they will abandon me like others already have. I had some online friends who I came out to and they started bullying me and then blocked me as well as spreading rumours about me forcing which made me feel miserable since I thought they were my friends..

even if none of this were a problem the fact is I'm UGLY. like there is a difference between "okay, "ugly" and "UGLY". I actually hate myself, not only am I worthless personality wise but I'm also disgusting visually. There's no way I can ever feel happy about myself. I wish that someone could help me feel cute and pretty but I know that no matter what it's impossible.. even if people were just unsure what my gender was I would feel happier than everyone immediately saying that I'm male... if you want to see how ugly I am or feel as though you could somehow help (you'd have to be a miracle worker.. i'm not joking) then I could send you a pic privately... I'd rather not post in public so I don't hurt peoples eyes...

While my parents do let me pursue transition they aren't really supportive. They still use male pronouns even when we're in private even when I tell them not to. When I ask if I can buy female clothing they always say "no wait until after you transition" which is impossible because I was told I need to go out as female in public before I'll be able to transition and even if I did have clothes I'm too mentally weak and worthless I doubt I would be able to bring myself to do it . If I did then I would just end up getting beat up and people would say horrible things.

No one supports me, not even myself. I'm actually vile because I'm so dependant, even when I try my best I can' do anything unless someones holding my hand and helping me through it. I'm even scared doing simple things like calling people on the phone or pressing the button on the bus so that it stops. Honestly maybe the best option for me is suicide, the world doesn't need someone so useless, ugly and weak like me.

Yenneffer · July 06, 2015, 08:57:05 AM

Hey hugs and welcome.i know how you feel I've been there a lot.

Hazel.A · July 06, 2015, 09:23:57 AM

Quote from: Yenneffer on July 06, 2015, 08:57:05 AM
Hey hugs and welcome.i know how you feel I've been there a lot.

how do I respond to a private message?.. I don't see an option to

Yenneffer · July 06, 2015, 09:27:40 AM

I think you have to pass a posting rank

Hazel.A · July 06, 2015, 09:34:01 AM

Quote from: Yenneffer on July 06, 2015, 09:27:40 AM
I think you have to pass a posting rank

oh.. um how do I do that? it's typical that I would mess everything up as usual..

Yenneffer · July 06, 2015, 09:37:39 AM

Quote from: Hazel.A on July 06, 2015, 09:34:01 AM
oh.. um how do I do that? it's typical that I would mess everything up as usual..

Just post some responses on threads hugs don't beat yourself up

Elis · July 06, 2015, 10:07:11 AM

You have to reach 15 posts to send PMS. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm 21 and going to my first therapist's appointment in London tomorrow. So you're a lot braver and have more courage than me. You should ferl immensely proud of yourself, you made the first step

. Also I live with my dad and brother and they're also awful with trans stuff, which is a huge understatement. If you want female clothing then buy some yourself, try not to let them get you down. I also have social anxiety and know how draining it is and how much it impacts on everything. I think you're an amazing person, please stick around the forum. PM me if you wish.

Hazel.A · July 06, 2015, 10:10:49 AM

Quote from: Elis on July 06, 2015, 10:07:11 AM
You have to reach 15 posts to send PMS. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm 21 and going to my first therapist's appointment in London tomorrow. So you're a lot braver and have more courage than me. You should ferl immensely proud of yourself, you made the first step . Also I live with my dad and brother and they're also awful with trans stuff, which is a huge understatement. If you want female clothing then buy some yourself, try not to let them get you down. I also have social anxiety and know how draining it is and how much it impacts on everything. I think you're an amazing person, please stick around the forum. PM me if you wish.

If I had the strength to be able to go out and buy female clothing (or even just buy it online) then I definitely would have by now... unfortunately I'm probably one of the weakest people you'll ever meet. Not to mention I don't work so I have no money of my own anyway, I've been applying for work but I just keep getting turned down

Elis · July 06, 2015, 10:25:46 AM

It did take a lot of courage for me to buy myself male clothes, even buying online, bcos of how my dad is and not really liking myself. What helped was to start small. First male deodorant, then boxers, then a tshirt, then jeans. Just something small that was recognisably male helped me feel better. But it does take time. I also applyied for hundreds of jobs for over a year until I got my current job that I've been working at for just 3 months now. I don't say this to discourage you, just that it is possible even for a trans person to get a job. I thought it was impossible and wanted to committ suicide numerous times.

Hazel.A · July 06, 2015, 10:35:45 AM

my problem is that even if I wasn't transgender I would still be considered very ugly. I feel as though any effort I make amounts to nothing. Just going out makes me feel so anxious that sometimes I need to find a public toilet to lock myself in and cry for a while, I can't handle things that normal people have no trouble doing and it makes me realize that no one will go out of their way to help or care about a freak like me..

Elis · July 06, 2015, 10:49:10 AM

During school I used to avoid mirrors at all costs so as not to have to look at myself. School picture day was torture. I still find it hard to face myself but trying to only concentrate on the masculine parts of my body help, as well as telling myself that I do look ok. Also if you go out in public everybody looks different, not ugly, just different. Also look at the mtf posts on here showing before and after transitioning, that will be you one day soon.
Btw, I'm also not handling life at all, work is awful and I have to somehow convince the therapist tomorrow that I am trans and not crazy. Talking to others on here and seeing other people go through the same things has really helped a lot. I care about you, otherwise I wouldn't have replyied to your post or keep talking to you. You're not a freak.

Yenneffer · July 06, 2015, 10:51:20 AM

Your not a freak.sounds like you have social anxiety it's understandable hugs just take your time and the truth is no ones ugly there something special about everyone

Yenneffer · July 06, 2015, 10:53:18 AM

Quote from: Elis on July 06, 2015, 10:49:10 AM
During school I used to avoid mirrors at all costs so as not to have to look at myself. School picture day was torture. I still find it hard to face myself but trying to only concentrate on the masculine parts of my body help, as well as telling myself that I do look ok. Also if you go out in public everybody looks different, not ugly, just different. Also look at the mtf posts on here showing before and after transitioning, that will be you one day soon.
Btw, I'm also not handling life at all, work is awful and I have to somehow convince the therapist tomorrow that I am trans and not crazy. Talking to others on here and seeing other people go through the same things has really helped a lot. I care about you, otherwise I wouldn't have replyied to your post or keep talking to you. You're not a freak.

Omg the school photo me and my grandad had a argument one day because I hated my photos

Hazel.A · July 06, 2015, 10:58:58 AM

at school people always called me ugly and laughed at me.. they also called me dumb, annoying and a freak... at this point I just realized that it's the truth and have accepted it. Someone like me shouldn't have been born, I can't contribute anything other than be selfish and take others time up..

Elis · July 06, 2015, 11:04:41 AM

People made fun if me A LOT at school and I never fitted in at college. I hated myself and life. I still think I'm a mistake. But all I can do is think about how amazing it'll feel when I start T. The feeling of euphoria and relieve and actually being comfortable within my own skin. God knows what I'm going to do for the rest of my life, but that keeps me going. You're not taking up my time, I like talking to you.

Yenneffer · July 06, 2015, 11:05:30 AM

Quote from: Hazel.A on July 06, 2015, 10:58:58 AM
at school people always called me ugly and laughed at me.. they also called me dumb, annoying and a freak... at this point I just realized that it's the truth and have accepted it. Someone like me shouldn't have been born, I can't contribute anything other than be selfish and take others time up..

Hugs your not a waste of time listen I got bullied to and u know that you're not ugly pm me a picture

Hazel.A · July 06, 2015, 11:10:32 AM

thanks to both of you.

also I'll pm a picture as soon as it'll let me..

Elis · July 06, 2015, 11:13:38 AM

Glad I could help. Remember you can pm me anytime, day or night and I'll reply.

RaptorChops · July 06, 2015, 11:34:21 AM

Hazel it also sounds like you are suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. I was diagnosed with it a couple of years ago and put on medication. I couldn't do things that seemed so simple such as go to a Drive Thru window, call someone I didn't know, answer a phone, go to the grocery store by myself. The worst of all was if I went to a crowded restaurant I would start to feel sick, like I was going to pass out.. It was horrible and I felt absolutely miserable.

I was on medication for it for about 7 1/2 years and yeah it helped quite a bit. I stopped taking it about a year ago and decided I didn't want to be on medication any more. I wanted to control my life myself.

You'll get through it, you're young keep your chin up.

Yenneffer · July 06, 2015, 11:43:01 AM

Quote from: RaptorChops on July 06, 2015, 11:34:21 AM
Hazel it also sounds like you are suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder. I was diagnosed with it a couple of years ago and put on medication. I couldn't do things that seemed so simple such as go to a Drive Thru window, call someone I didn't know, answer a phone, go to the grocery store by myself. The worst of all was if I went to a crowded restaurant I would start to feel sick, like I was going to pass out.. It was horrible and I felt absolutely miserable.

I was on medication for it for about 7 1/2 years and yeah it helped quite a bit. I stopped taking it about a year ago and decided I didn't want to be on medication any more. I wanted to control my life myself.

You'll get through it, you're young keep your chin up.

i agree

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I need help, depressed and miserable..