Quote from: Leki on July 06, 2015, 01:32:07 PM
Lately my confidence has just completely fallen. I feel really depressed a lot of the time.
I dress in female clothes when I am out and about and I am honestly surprised that people still treat me like a normal person.
Regardless my confidence is at an almost all time low. I dunno what to do.
Any advice?
I feel really scared
I have found myself in your boat. See, I started dressing androgynously after around three months of HRT, and I admit that doing so was a challenge because -- although I was perceived as either male or as female -- I had already imposed female standards onto myself since I was making some degree of effort to be perceived as such. Obviously, this is a lot to force onto yourself so soon, and it surely showed because I had very low confidence in terms of meeting society's expectations of how women should appear and present. I remember being mis-gendered constantly, and just hating myself for it because many cis women could present androgynously and pass rather seamlessly.
Many walks to class encompassed somehow conjuring up this delusion that everyone was looking at me; and when someone
did actually look at me, I immediately assumed that it was due to presenting somewhat as female, but still looking like a man. There came a day where I saw my reflection in a window on my way to class, and it hurt a lot to see; looking back at me was the figure of a person whose head was held low, who slouched rather noticeably, and who was too stiff to move their arms mid-stride. In spite of my humiliation of how I looked and walked, I didn't do much to fix it for a long time; I just avoided looking in windows for as long as I could.
After so long, I got to thinking, and realized that walking confidently would make me FEEL more confident. At around six months into my transition, I decided to always walk with my head held high, with a straight posture, and with this composure that I would only look you in the eye if you initiated conversation with me. Since then, I have received
a lot of compliments on my posture, walk, and obvious confidence. I've overheard a number of people compliment it, especially after I decided to present entirely effeminate.
So, here I am at the 9-month mark, and I can tell you that the
last three months have been way easier to endure than the first three months of my transition. Given that I pass as female now -- and that I walk and act very confidently -- I'm complimented on my confidence and presentation frequently. And guess what -- that makes me feel even more confident in being a woman. Of course, the first thing people go to whenever they're trying to put me down is that I just seem like a snooty bitch (when I'm not), but I am a confident woman nonetheless. I think that the answer might lie in just maybe even pretending to be confident -- seriously. I live in a very, very conservative area in Indiana whenever my college classes are out of session, and I get a lot of hell from family for being trans, each and every day. To mend my hurt, I frequently walk along Main Street, dressed entirely as who I am, and as confidently/effeminately as can be; that alone makes my day a thousand times better because -- even if some car-full of people
could discern that I'm trans, the 300 other cars that drove past see a woman walking confidently. It's just really reassuring.
Ally
