I Need Parenting & Relationship Advice

[Rawb]

My boyfriend has been living with us (me and my two kids, aged 4 and 6) since basically November. And more recently, he's been very strongly annoying me. I love him to itty bitty pieces, and he's fabulous, but no relationship is perfect, and I don't know if it's just me being over sensitive, or I should be legit mad at him. Anyways.

What's going on is, he normally takes a fairly active step-parent sort of role to my children. Together, we discuss everything and work compromises back and forth on how to deal with the children about everything: discipline, family time, right down to the meals we eat. It's usually very good. But ocassionally, he will suddenly decide that he's just not going to deal with it and he'll go play on his computer in his room. When I'm sick, I still have to do the childrens baths and all the things I normally do, but when he decides he doesn't want to do something, he just doesn't.

It feels very unbalanced that I absolutely HAVE to do everything and often can't "tag out" and let him take over because I need a break from the children, but at any moment he just be like, Eh, I don't want to. And he doesn't have the obligation I do.

I mean, I get it, they are my kids. They aren't biologically his kids. Technically he doesn't have to do anything. But at the same time, I want to marry this guy and be equal partners in everything, parenting included.

What are your thoughts?
Am I way off base here?

[HoneyStrums]

If your sick and need a rest, then the fact the kids are not biologicaly his makes no difference, He may not have the same obligations to your kids as you do, but if he is going to be your partener HE is still obligated to you. And should still help to make things easier for you.

Things like this work both ways. if you still with him next time he is sick. only do for them what they do for you. If he has a problemb with it, mention how its different when your sick.

But dont make your kids the focus for any disagreement. Because it shiuld be about them and you, helping eachother through difficult times.

I dont know specfics so I can realy say any More then this.

I hope you work things out.

[Laura_7]

You might talk with them about it...

in a sensible way, not making reproaches, just stating your needs and emotions.
Like you feel kind of abandoned if he does not help... and you would appreciate his helping...
its possible you might ask a few times for his real reasons... its possible they have some kind of old fear... like being taken advantage of..
or a fear of commitment...
and you might say that tasks usually equal out... they are sometimes sick, too... and you possibly prepare meals and do other tasks... so it would be kind of equal to share some time... it can even be fun, if seen this way... spending some nice time with the kids...


hugs

[Rawb]

Normally I would talk with him about it, but he's been extra touchy and defensive for the past week, and I want to make sure that this isn't just me being selfish, or overreacting. I have abandonment issues, I'm self-conscious and I'm over-sensitive. I don't want to bring up an issue that shouldn't even be a issue and make him upset (Clarify: Im not afraid to make him upset, I just don't want to be an unreasonable prat, and upset him unduly).

He's 24, and he's never been in a relationship before, I'm his first everything. The opportunity never presented itself, and he was too apathetic to go after a relationship- like, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't.

[Laura_7]

I'd say what you want is reasonable.

I'd talk with them about it... not in a way that makes them run but in a way they can understand your position... and can see it would be to both of your advantage  if they would help some...

hugs

[Arch]

If he's been touchy lately, he may have other things on his mind. If you convey to him that you have noticed that he seems unhappy lately and that you want to support him, you will likely get a better response than if you did make it about the kids.

If he's anything like me, though, he'll do the whole "no, I'm fine" thing. I used to get very angry when people said that I seemed to be having an off day or that I seemed upset about something. I suppose that response says a lot about my upbringing; emotional displays were not acceptable in my family. To a great degree, I experienced some typical male upbringing, only it wasn't "boys don't cry" but "respectable people don't cry." I guess I was mortified when people pointed out that my emotions were visible.

Some men have to spend some time sorting things out privately. My ex was like that; I let him work it through and was there when he wanted to talk.

Kids are a big responsibility, especially if they aren't "technically" one's own. And twenty-four is actually pretty young for a guy. He might just be overwhelmed from time to time.

You say that he occasionally drops out of contributing; how often, and how long has it been going on?

[Andre87]

It's not good if he already uses that kind of excuse"those are not my kids" to avoid helping you.Yes,it's ok if he's tired,sick etc.You two should share tasks.Family is based on LOVE and AGREEMENT.Mutual RESPECT.Mutual CARE. You two agree to raise children together..He'll influence on your children's interpretation of world,on their system of values..so in that matter yes,he is a parent..because he shapes their souls.

There's difference between romanticized love and genuine love.

In romanticized  love you love idealized picture of him,but you try to ignore real him.
In genuine love...You incorporate his flaws in the picture,so you accept real him. There's some SACRIFICE from both sides.."we" is more important than "I"...

He has two roles:he is a PARTNER and a PARENT.Some parents neglect "being a partner" role so they're 100% dedicated to children and forget their partner's needs("read the silence",small romatic surprises,mature discussions on a higher level(no baby talk,no simplification) that kids of that age may find boring-literature,politics,science..whatever you two love).

On the other hand some people enjoy in "being partner" but neglect "being parent"..so they can't accept responsibility and fact that their actions and attitude affects not only on partner but also other souls as well..kids will feel insecure if he leaves through the door in a moment when they need to rely on him.

You two should talk openly about expectations and roles in order to have healthy stable fondations for future family plans