Having sex as an FTM: How do you tell someone you're trans?

[Axx17]

I'm 18 years old and want to have sex just as much as any 18 year old guy does. Every time I had the opportunity I pretty much always declined because I'm terrified and upset over the fact that I'd be telling people I don't have a dick. It's really depressing. Sometimes masturbating isn't enough and I get sexually frustrated all the time. I've only received anal sex twice in my life without telling the people I've done it with. Mostly because I wasn't close enough to these people and they were either bicurious or bisexual males, so also I figured they wouldn't care if they were to find out one day.  I could also only have sex with people I'm attracted to. My cisgender male friend wants sex with me as much as I want it with him (I'm an open bisexual and so is he) He also said he might be pansexual, so if I were to tell him, I don't think he'd react in a negative way, since he's also all for trans rights to, but, I'm afraid if I tell him, I don't know if he'd tell other people or not. I'm only out to people who knew me before I transitioned. I've never once told anyone who never knew my past unless I'm seeing a new doctor. I always want to remain stealth because I don't want to deal with other peoples' ignorance or bigotry. How do you tell people that you're trans? I feel obligated to tell him because we're close friends,so I think I'm going to feel like an a*shole if I just do anything without telling him. I don't want to lose him as a friend either. I've been struggling with sexual urges and frustrations like this since I was about 16. I honestly don't think I could take it anymore. So I want to know if any FTMS had any experiences telling people who've always known them as a male and how they reacted when they told them. I'd really appreciate hearing some experiences and some advice. Especially some advice on how to be more comfortable being naked around people.

[Amadeus]

I've always been pretty open about who I am.  On my OKC profile the first words are "I'm a FtM chap..."  I figure if I'm up front about who I am, it'll save a lot of heartache later.

At least that was the plan.  I was dating a gay man who said he was attracted to me, we had loads of sex, and just as we started getting attached to each other, he popped up and said that he was more attracted to cisgender men who have real flesh and blood penises.  Because I don't have one, he decided there was no future with me.  And even though he loves me, he can't have sex with me because he's getting really attached, blah blah.

So.  Yeah.  Even being open and honest about who you are will sometimes lead to bullsh*t.

However, I still recommend being open about it.  Not only so you can weed out potential gits, but also because we need more visibility.

[FTMax]

I haven't slept with anyone that only knew me as male. Everyone that I have any inclination of being intimate with is told up front. I typically don't let things go much further than a first date without them knowing, and I prefer that they know before then, so that I don't bother having getting feelings if they're not down to be with a transperson.

I've found the more you struggle with how to word something, the better it is to just lay it all out there. Tell the dude you like him, but that you're worried he may not feel the same if he knows a secret about you. Then tell him that you were born female and still have female parts downstairs. If he's your friend, he'll be understanding about it.

Recognize that he still may reject you though. As understanding and supportive as some people can be, they may not be sexually attracted to you. It is what it is.

Good luck, however you decide to proceed.

[TrojanMan]

This causes me a lot of anxiety too. I've had to turn down people before because I didnt know how to tell them. It scares the ->-bleeped-<- out of me. I'm getting to the point where I hate being stealth because I can't get close to anybody, but at the same time I can't bear coming out to anyone. Fortunately I have the opportunity to start fresh once college starts. I'm not going to tell every acquaintance but I will tell friends. I have never came out to anybody before because I've been so brutally bullied in the past. I guess I would suggest you do the same and just tell people when you first meet them. It makes people feel betrayed (idk why) when you've known them awhile and don't tell. I agree with the previous suggestion of just flat out telling the guy, although I'd never have the brass to do that.


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[Takoto]

I was up-front with my current partner. Luckily she didn't care about what my genitals were like. Being up-front about it is sort of difficult, it can feel embarrassing to properly talk about the subject, but I believe it saves a lot of time and stops a lot of issues. My partner already knew I was trans, I just had to inform her I hadn't had surgery or anything yet.

[The_Gentleboy]

Also an issue for me as well. Its unfortunate but unless I come out of my stealth-ness I have no choice but to grin and bare it.

Ive been told and forewarned by many ftms stealth and open that it is simply the best to just say it. Before either of you gets in too deep. It helps if you have some sort of penis that you can actually use for sex later down the line though.
the best technique is to go for Pansexuals, open-minded bi-sexuals, asexuals (although you wont get laid) and ftms/mtfs and all those on the gender spectrum.

Whatever you decide to do, DO NOT LIE! because then everything goes pear shaped and it becomes an awful mess.

Im also a horny 18yr old. Havent got laid and oblivious to girls hitting on me. it sucks but do remember that transitioning is a really selfish time in your life and even if your partner is cool with it, it always puts strain on the relationship. 

As for the nakedness. Start in your bedroom. I sleep with shirtless with my boxers. I never used to but despite being pre-surgery thats how most guys would sleep. and now I comfortably walk around my room shirtless. Start small, dont just whip everything off. Shorts and t-shirt ---> shorts and vest ----> boxers and vest ----> boxers only and even further if youd like. Once your comfortable seeing yourself like that then do it around appropriate company.


Gentle

[Matthew]

I think being open is key. If you get to know someone first then disclose you might be more comfortable, but you really do need to make sure they're aware.

If someone isn't cool with you being ftm, then they're not worth your time and not the sort of person you'd want to sleep with.

[AndrewB]

I'd be honest and up-front, when it ever got to that point. Even on my dating profiles, I make sure that the fact that I'm trans is one of the first things people see; not because it's the biggest part of my life, but because I want partners that are absolutely fine with that part of me and can see past that. If they can't, they aren't worth my time.

Not to get too dark, but also be aware that in all but one US state there is what is known as the "Gay/Trans Panic Defense," which means that if someone finds out you're trans in an intimate setting or they're so overcome with incomprehensible anger over being 'hit on' by the same gender, they can use it as a valid defense to reduce their sentence or be let off altogether should they assault someone that is either homosexual or trans. So just be careful. California is the first and only state to have banned this defense in a court of law.

[The_Gentleboy]

I'd be honest and up-front, when it ever got to that point. Even on my dating profiles, I make sure that the fact that I'm trans is one of the first things people see; not because it's the biggest part of my life, but because I want partners that are absolutely fine with that part of me and can see past that. If they can't, they aren't worth my time.

Not to get too dark, but also be aware that in all but one US state there is what is known as the "Gay/Trans Panic Defense," which means that if someone finds out you're trans in an intimate setting or they're so overcome with incomprehensible anger over being 'hit on' by the same gender, they can use it as a valid defense to reduce their sentence or be let off altogether should they assault someone that is either homosexual or trans. So just be careful. California is the first and only state to have banned this defense in a court of law.

Thats disgusting. So glad Im in Britain. In what world should that be a valid excuse!!!

[AndrewB]

Thats disgusting. So glad Im in Britain. In what world should that be a valid excuse!!!

Agreed, it's disgusting, but I don't believe it's been officially outlawed/banned anywhere in the UK, either. It's actually known as the Portsmouth Defence more commonly in Britain. Most of Australia has banned it, though, if not all.

[The_Gentleboy]

Its not officially outlawed in the UK BUT it has been inadmissible in almost all cases from 2000, because there is no scientific proof that people go crazy and attack people when the find out they're LGBT. Also LGBT persons are protected by law in the UK - thats not to say homophobia doesnt exist and that people arent attacked/abused/harrassed because they are LGBT though, it just allows them to pursue the perpetrators in court.

[teddybear_zach]

I'm polyamorous, so I have disclosed my trans status to anyone I get to know to the point of dating. I've been lucky to have met young ladies who didnt care about that. They wanted to get to know me for me and not how I was born.