Yeah, it was hard to talk about the things I was feeling initially (especially since my previous relationship made me second guess talking about much of anything). It is scary to completely open yourself up to someone that way because when you show someone everything that's inside, you open up the possibility of their reaction hurting.
Going in to my transition, we promised each other to always be honest, even when it hurt. So once I have figured out where the hurt or feelings I was feeling we're coming from, I tried to share with her. She tries to do the same.
I did/do keep some things to myself though. Not anything that would affect "us", but things that I know will serve no purpose to share. She knows how my dysphoria affects me, she knows that it hurts me... But I don't always share the depth of that pain because I don't want her to worry or have to stress about it. Mostly when it comes to the physical dysphoria. Before top surgery, I hardly wanted to be touched at all. I didn't want her to feel like I was rejecting her though, because it really wasn't her, so I would usually find other reasons instead of just being honest. Physical intimacy has been a challenge for me. It used to be that my dysphoria was so diffuse because everything felt wrong. As I've corrected my body, piece by piece, day by day as the hormones continue to work, the dysphoria becomes intensified to the areas that now more obviously don't match my new body. I have shared all of this with my wife and have been open about my struggles but sometimes I try to protect her from the depth of it.
Otherwise, no, we really talk about everything. Which I think is important in a relationship in general because vulnerability and intimacy go hand in hand. It is not always easy but if you have that safe zone built together, it makes talking about the tough things easier.
That's awesome that you're getting in next week. Congrats! One step at a time!!
