I feel completely lost

[Serena, Lady of Rivendell]

Hi everyone

Lately, I've been feeling depressed to say the least. I mean, I was diagnosed with depression last year, and it kind of comes and goes, even with medication, but lately I feel inexplicably worse. I don't expect anything anyone says will help, but I need to release my feelings one way or another.

First off, my friends are essentially all that keeps me from losing it. I've had no contact with them all summer beyond texting, since they're all on vacations for pretty much the whole of summer. That would be bad enough on its own.

Unfortunately, I have a host of other problems I have to deal with. I am struggling with my summer school, I overestimated by far how much I could get done during break and now I am stressed over what seems like a thousand projects and such things.

And on top of that, my body continues to go through male puberty, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it as a minor with parents who are both homophobic and transphobic in the extreme.

I honestly don't know what to do. I have no money, so I don't even have the option of buying hormones illegally. My parents hate the lgbt community as a whole but they're the type of people who will insist they aren't hateful in the least. Whenever they say they love me, I can only think of all the reasons that's a blatant lie. In fact, I don't know what in the world love means anymore. I've always been closed-off but it's only getting worse.

I just have so much going against me and there doesn't seem to be anything for me. I'm an emotional wreck. There doesn't seem to be much reason to continue. It's all so meaningless. One small life is utterly insignificant. I have a plethora of thoughts of self harm though I've yet to do anything drastic. I don't know what I'll do, but one thing I won't do is kill myself. That will only make the haters win.

I have no stability in my future. I can't imagine living as anything but a woman but I have no resources to transition. My parents would never help. It will be years after I turn 18 that I'll finally have the option to start transition and my hopes get lower the older I get.

I really have no future. I'm completely lost. And I don't even feel a bit better for having written this. Whatever.

[Jessica Merriman]

First, your a minor and don't have a future? Garbage! You may be having a tough time, but you do have a future. There are many of us who were forced by the generation we grew up in to wait very late to transition. I started at 47 myself! I think you need to readjust your priorities a little. Get your education, get out on your own and then start your transition. Many of us here dealt with crippling Dysphoria our whole lives. Did we give up? No, we made the best of it and transitioned when we could. If you think I do not understand how you are feeling yes I do. My whole career I subconsciously tried to get myself killed in a very dangerous career. So yes, I know how you feel. If I had been killed I would not have the life I have now. It is happy, fulfilling and I get to lead the life I was meant to now. You need to do as we all have done. Settle down, find a way to deal with Dysphoria as best you can and quit thinking so defeatist. I know it doesn't seem very easy right now, but trust us who have been there to get through this very tough time. We can!

[Serena, Lady of Rivendell]

Oh, **** this.

I have no future because I have had an upbringing that gave me no social skills, I'm incredibly weak trying to go down a path that is meant for the strong, I have severe mental problems and I'll probably end up in jail someday, and I'm far too sensitive to ever do anything useful with my life. Do not speak to me of giving up, I never had hope anyway. I haven't the slightest notion what a fulfilling life is. I am an enemy to society, we all are. No one approves of me and they never will. I don't care what you say, but I cannot.

I didn't ask to be born god****it. **** you all, I'm leaving. Just delete this ****ty convo

[Zoetrope]

Is it just me, or has Susan's gotten really emo lately?

[Ⓥ]

Is it just me, or has Susan's gotten really emo lately?

B****, you don't know me!!!

gave me no social skills

Try not to curse out people who are legitimately trying to help and support you.  This is a start to gaining better social skills.

[Laura_7]

You might have a look at this brochure for the british NHS:
gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It states that being trans has some biological connections, which is imo socially a bit better acceptable, and it might help with self acceptance.

You might talk this through with your therapist and might think about presenting it to parents. The NHS is a reputable source.
Just talk it all through with your therapist.
Your therapist might help you with easy reversible steps finding out how you feel and what you want to do...
like changes to hair and clothing style... they might get informed on trangender subjects and help you along. One possibility might be hormone blockers. You might talk to them about it. Hopefully they are supportive and helpful.

Another good resource might be plannnedparenthood, a lgbt center or especially PFLAG.
PFLAG is parents of lgbt people. Its people from all walks of life. You might contact them, maybe they could be helpful educating your parents. They have meetings where people can be advised and talked to.

Concerning what you would like to do, everyone has a few subjects that interest them. You might just try a few things.
Like crafting... writing... gardening...
do you have a lot of patience and like to work in detail ? What would you like to do with that ? Working with people...things... animals... etc...
(just an example. There are lots of character traits that can be an advantage. )

Concerning social skills, some people do not have restraints if they are in a certain position... for example in a store talking to people because its simply part of the job... and its not necessary to talk much there...

And, well, there might be opportunities to train some social skills... a club or at school projects with interesting subjects... the common subject might make for stuff to talk about...

hugs

[Cindy]

 

Lets look at our language please.

Social skills start with communication. Civility in communication is important and on this site will be maintained.

Cindy

[Emileeeee]

I had a very similar upbringing complete with the homophobic/transphobic to the extreme family. I even have one parent that would beat up people in the community just for being in the community. Talk about being afraid of being yourself.

First and foremost is you need someone to talk to that you feel you can trust. A therapist would be best, but a school counselor may also be useful. You mentioned that you have friends, although they're on vacation. That doesn't sound like no social skills to me. But this isn't about social skills anyway. It's about your own self-acceptance.

One thing that concerns me is that you mentioned that your parents "would never help". Is that just an odd word usage, or have you implied that you never told your parents what's bothering you? Being angry at someone for not being supportive of something they don't know anything about is bad. My mother was anti-trans/gay my whole life. I thought for sure she'd have me committed when I told her. At the time, the only information the general public had on trans people came from movies that gave us bad publicity. She ended up changing her tune when she realized her own child was part of the community. She's now one of my strongest support pillars.

You don't really need someone else's approval to present as yourself. You also don't need hormones to do that. It took me a loooong time to realize that myself, so I don't expect you to believe me, but knowing who you are and having the confidence to show that is much more powerful than hormones. You do what you can with the resources you have. Growing your hair out is an easy one. Adopting more feminine mannerisms. Voice. None of them require money, just time, and they can all help lessen the dysphoria.

[Yenneffer]

Is it just me, or has Susan's gotten really emo lately?

You just insulted me 😢

[KristinaM]

Yes, find a therapist to help you work through these feelings.  At such a young age, anything is still possible, you just have to get properly focused on overcoming the problems laid before you, one at a time.  It seems overwhelming I'm sure, but just let all the stress roll off your back and take it one step at a time.  Being stressed out won't help at all, it'll only hinder your progress.

Make a list, two columns, of all the things you NEED or need to do in your life, as well as the things you WANT in your life.  Then throw out the want column and start prioritizing your needs.  Start focusing on them and crossing them off one at a time.  Having a physical list in front of you like that that you can mark stuff off as you've completed it can really help motivate you and give you a feeling of satisfaction as you watch the list diminish.

Good luck!  And again, try to find a therapist.  It doesn't have to be a gender therapist at this point since it sounds like your parents may take issue with that.  Just tell them that you think you're depressed.  That's the magic word, everyone gets depressed at some point.  Then you can discuss things more candidly with your therapist once the two of you are alone.

[Zoetrope]

You just insulted me 😢

Take it from an ex-goth-boy of many years. Identifying as emo really isn't in your best interests  ...

[Yenneffer]

Take it from an ex-goth-boy of many years. Identifying as emo really isn't in your best interests  ...

Excuse me it's my fashion preference

[Makenzie]

People have a right to choose how they dress or behave , and deserve not to be insulted over it. As long as they are not hurting themselves or others, then it's irrelevant. If the bags bioyn were hurting someone, then it becomes an issue.

[Jill F]

Knock it off, people.  This is a support site, not the fashion police.  Any more personal digs and we will take action as needed.

Back to the topic at hand...

[Zoetrope]

I was plainly not talking about fashion. I was talking about behaviour.

[Cindy]

Zoe,

Please walk away from this now.

Cindy
Forum Admin