Hi, my name here is flowers, but real name is michael. I am 55 years old. I have started to see a therapist because i have recently had some troubles in my head regarding my past and future. in this is i have learned and admitted. I have wanted to be a girl since before i was 12, but society in its closed mindedness, would not allow it. many years i have struggled with these feelings, resorting to crossdressing privately and wishing upon a star. i have always thought i was a freak, a perverted panty fetish, disillusioned, outcast. i have started over in different cities hoping i could stop this madness of crossdressing and sometimes it is arousing. i would use the soft silky feeling panties, bras, lingerie and nighties to sexually satisfy my desires. instantly, feeling depressed, ashamed, and embarressed afterwards. falling into a shell of existence. when i lived alone, i loved being dressed as a woman, yes, all night, wake up and go to work as a guy. living my life on the outside as a guy i should. each time i throw away the articles of clothing, i last a week maybe 2 before i fall and start accumulating more. lately, i am married now 11 years and have an 11 yr old daughter. no worries, i would never harm her or let either of them know my fall from grace. but, lately, my therapist has given me a book to read,and i am finding out its easier now in the world to change, and certain memories are being dug up from when i buried feelings. this book seems to be writen about me and my life. i am a woman in a guys body, but feel it is too late for me. often times i think about suicide, but realize i love my family too much to inflict that kind of trauma. i also feel to scared and do not want to inflict trauma on them as of my wanting to be a girl. there are ways now, that i can "come out". i still go back and forth, like a fish out of water, flip flopping my decisions, fact is i very much always wanted and still do want to be the woman i never could be, but there is my family who will not repeat not understand, and the cost and time factors. i cannot go on like this. my therapist wants to help, knows how i feel. i want to be a transgender woman SO bad, but i lay awake and cry at night, during the day, when ever i can get away without being caught crying. some tough guy huh? i am average build, 5-10, 175, and i still dont know if i could pass. oh i want to so bad. but i am scared to death to come out. sometimes like last night, i had suicidal thoughts again. i cannot, but i still think it. so 1 day i want to move forward with this, then the next i want to bury it all again and keep hidden. i am going crazy here. thanks for reading.
