Thoughts: Telling my Mom now is Selfish

[Martine A.]

For some time I had the need to tell my mom.

She lives in a country with low overall acceptance of LGBT. She herself does express intolerance. So not only I expect rejection, but she also might have inconvenient encounters if other people she knows learn about me.

Currently, it is also bad period for her personally.

Reflecting on why I want to tell her comes down to hope of acceptance and support. Reasonable expectation, but not likely to be fulfilled.

Originally I planned to tell her when my bro gets the first kid. I expect her to turn to him then and just forget about me.

That said, it seems no good can come out of telling my mom or coming out to people who know her and me. There is just my hope I might get some acceptance from her, which is probably not happening. I just called it selfish.

So, any thoughts you'd like to share?

[Cindy]

I can feel your pain Hon.

My parents could never accept me so I left and walked my path.

I never even went to their funerals.

Yes I regret it. Maybe I should have tried harder.

If you are in a safe place, maybe come out to her, expect rejection and if it does not occur, great!

If so, well nothing lost. You are a beautiful young woman and it is her loss not to accept her daughter.

[Eva Marie]

Michelle-

It's hard being us. It's even harder when other people reject us for who we know that we are.

Like Cindy my parents rejected me and I haven't talked to them in almost a year now. They are quite elderly and could probably use some support from me but have chosen rejection instead. So be it.

We cannot control what other people think or how they react - we can only choose our own path in life, trying to be fair and kind and giving to others as we walk that path.

You are not selfish; you are being the authentic you and thats a good thing. We all lived a life pre-transition that was not authentic; we lived it for the sake of others, to be what they wanted us to be.

How can being the authentic you be selfish?

I'm sorry that your mom lives in a country that is not accepting. Hopefully her reaction will be a positive one.

Don't apologize for being your true self to anyone.

[Mariah]

Michelle, we can never control how others are going to take it, but do understand that being your authentic self is not being selfish. I will never fully know how my dad would have truly reacted because I was just 13 when he died, but my mom took it reasonably well. Sorry that your mom lives in a country that isn't tolerant, but as Cindy pointed out if your in a safe place coming out now might be better. I can only hope that when you do with time and effort that she will be understanding. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[katrinaw]

Hi Michelle, certainly not a selfish act wanting to tell her.

But if she's going through a bad time herself, then let her get over that first.

She will find out at some point, so maybe it is a case of telling her, hoping for the best and / or building the bridges after, of course it may not go down the way you think it will.

But it is not easy, I know that too well (but in my case different set of family)

Katy xx

[Martine A.]

Hi all,

It is heartwarming to see multiple replies. Thank you.

I am with you that it is not selfish to just be yourself. Being transsexual is one thing I can't choose. What I can choose is the moment I will let my mom know.

That said, the move I would call selfish is choosing moment that might bring me some personal gain if I get her support, but will impact her much worse, since she is having tough time herself. It is also uneasy because she has known me as her son for 32 years and counting.

So, imo, despite the need to share, I should keep it to myself and wait better time to tell her.

[Martine A.]

My mom considers joining FB. I might use that occasion.

The thing is, if we had some girlish topic in common, I think it would be easier to use it as the point of turning things. But we don't.

But having her okay with me would lead to a change of man-FB profile.
And then I'd watch people go or stay. I suppose many people here watched it slide; it is like fireworks.

Some ppl I will remove myself based on what I know about them.