Discovering and expressing your femininity during transition

[Molly Frances]

There is a physical incongruity that is at the heart of my dysphoria that I am seeking to address, During my first therapy session last week, I spoke also about a feminine heart and soul that I believe has been lying dormant for so many hears and has never fully been revealed. How has transitioning facilitated and shaped your feminine personality, and were there aspects of that personality that you were surprised to uncover and express? During what stages of your transition did these changes become apparent to you or others?

[jessica32]

I am just starting still to insecure to be who I want everything seems to have a second choice to feminise some part of everything I do hope I can let that shine more than I do

[Sammy]

When I first spoke about this to my closest family, the reaction I got was "but there is nothing feminine in You. Zero. Nada." Which did hurt at that time, but I kept moving on. Another hurtful comment which I got from my first therapist (we parted our ways soon afterward) - "You are just trying to fit a feminine role on You now". Maybe they were correct - at that time - because for two decades I tried to burn out anything feminine in me with branding iron and to replace it with... I honestly dont really know - my ideas of masculinity which were taken from books and movies (and they hardly met the reality check which was quite ironic).
I dunno when the feminine aspects started to manifest themselves, but surely I have to give HRT its credit. It tore down the boundaries for something which apparently was buried deep down there. I did not learn a lot - I read and watched a lot of documentaries about gender differences and it all made sense to me. It was almost like addind 2 and 2 and getting result. Sure, some behaviours had to be unlearned (and some still have to), but the outcome allows me to blend with little issues. To compare with my previous experience, it was much easier to let my female energy go out and take care of everything, than to mentally condition and programme my male persona 20 years ago.
But I am not sure if it would have worked without HRT regimen and suppression of testosterone.

[Carrie Liz]

Time heals everything.

Early in transition, I felt fake. I felt like I wasn't feminine enough by nature, that I "reeked of male privilege" as a certain show put it... basically that I was too blunt and dominating, or that I lacked that calm nurturing feminine nature that I admired cis-women having so much. I knew that I came across as very closed-off, a bit cold, and I still had that nasty male habit of keeping everyone off at a distance.

You'll be surprised how experiencing the socialization for a while slowly changes you without you even noticing it.

After a year or so of being talked over by men, constantly having my intelligence at work called into question, being talked to by other women as a woman, and mentally doing that thing that people naturally do where you subconsciously emulate the behaviors of those around you, I was surprised how much I'd changed. And I don't really feel that feeling anymore now, I really do feel like I'm now living as a female version of myself... like I have a lot of the same interests and the same basic personality, but I look at my own behaviors and way of talking now and it just seems more naturally feminine.

You'll be surprised how quickly you change once you're out there in the world having a standard of femininity to live up to every single day.

Having lots of cis-female friends who never knew you pre-transition, and thus treat you like a woman at face value, like they would any other woman, REALLY helps. You learn the ropes pretty quickly.

[Emmaleigh]

At 61, I'm pretty late. Only 8 months experience, and only 3 into HRT. My life exploded when I realized what was going on. I thought I was becoming dissociative, I began to feel and internally 'hear' another voice, a feminine voice, with a name. This isn't a good description of what was going on, but I don't have another.
The more I read, the longer I'm in therapy, the more I listen and speak-up at group meetings, the more I discover how much I've suppressed, repressed, diverted, denied.. All in the name of 'proving' a fictionalized masculinity, based on what I saw around me. Regardless, in any group of men, I was always the least masculine, politely speaking. And it's been shocking to realize that all of those things I kept hidden, I was actually actively constantly working at it - what a waste!
So yes, the 'feminization' is proceeding at it's own pace. For the time being I'm content to simply allow myself to think and do those formerly forbidden things, and to accept more as I find them. Picking out t-shirt colors from the women's rack, admitting to liking ABBA, BeeGees, Sandra Bullock, rom-coms. Being free to cry. Allowing my voice to begin changing back to it's 'natural' tone & timbre, without the forced bass Ive put into it for years. Allowing giggling instead of the forced belly laugh. Crossing my legs knee over knee instead of ankle-over. Painting my nails. The list gets longer everyday. And I feel freer every day. I've been told these are silly and shallow, but each fake that I drop, each truth that I accept, allows me to continue.
I started making these changes, relaxing my tight rein into fake masculinity, several moths before HRT, but most assuredly HRT has been of great benefit and tremendous help. I am now looking up & forward much more than down & backward. That alone is a huge achievement for me! And I was very much gifted with support & encouragement at work, in friends, and in family.