Everyone says it's a phase...

[InBetween]

Is it normal for people such as family and certain friends to insist that you are just going through a phase? They all tell me, when I try to explain what I am going through, that I am nothing like most transgender people. I try to counter that we are not all the same, and you do not necessarily have to act androgynous, or like a guy to feel androgynous or male. Then they say, "But you look nothing like a guy." I know for a fact that not all transgender/androgynous people look like feminine if biologically male, or masculine if biologically female, that is, before they change themselves.

So what should I do? It's starting to hurt me what they are saying. They just wont listen...they don't want to lose their "little girl".



-Merrick

[Kaimialana]

Its a common reaction. I guess you just have to show them over time that you are serious. If someone told me I was just going through a phase, I might have a witty comeback like "I've heard middle age is one of those, soon enough you'll be wrinkly old" if I was feeling particularly angry and mean hearted. More likely I would say "watch as I continue in this direction and don't stop".

[RebeccaFog]

   Don't let them bring you down.  You're in this for the long haul.  One day, they won't think twice about believing it when it comes up.
   And, you're right about there not being an official 'look'.  I just look like an average knuckle dragger, but that's okay.  I know who I am and I know where my priorities lie.


Rebis

[Doc]

You can gain a lot of social-advantages by not cross-dressing all the time, and there was a period in my early teens when I experimented with this phenomenon. For about four years I frequently dressed as a girl without it being a formal occassion where I was being forced to do so under pain of being called childish and yelled at.

To my lasting annoyance, family and a few friends who remember when I was fourteen-seventeen often speak of this period as if the gender expression I exhibited then is as much 'me' as the other twenty-eight years of my life. Or yea verily, the four years of girliness are in fact, more 'me' and my current appearance is a weird and annoying affectation, and indeed, a phase. The only way to get them to reconsider this opinion is to point out the fact that the phase has been lifelong, just with a little break in it which was a phase.

This isn't universal, though. I've got some friends who were there during that period who find the 'Teen Doc in Drag' pictures just as perculiar as people who weren't there do.

[Jaimey]

I think the "it's just a phase" write off that people give is their way of saying that they don't accept what you are telling them.  Just keep being who you are and eventually they will accept you.  I don't think it's necessarily a bad situation (not the best wording...hmm), it just means that it's going to take some time for them to adjust.  Especially for people you have known for a long time.  To them it may feel like you are becoming another person that they don't know and "it's just a phase" is their way to keep you from "changing", even though you know who you've been all your life. 

Just be yourself. No one can ask any more of you than that. 

[sparkles]

i think that a lot of people think that its just a dressing differently type thnig and it will change over time like fashion. and when you do not always dress in an andro way cos you dont have to all the time then they think that its over and everything as gone back to normal most people think that when they carnt see it then its gone away. best just to keep a little on the surface to remind them that its not and will always be there it will just change over time and age as everything does. but it is who you are and not what you dress like.

[InBetween]

I am really upset. Now everyone is telling me that I'll "damage my breasts" and "never be able to breastfeed". They wont let me hide my breasts at all...I don't think they'll let me go through with this. They are just TOO controlling.


-Merrick

[Shana A]

If this is "just a phase", then it's a really long @#$%^& phase....... 14 years and counting LOL

zythyra

[RebeccaFog]

I am really upset. Now everyone is telling me that I'll "damage my breasts" and "never be able to breastfeed". They wont let me hide my breasts at all...I don't think they'll let me go through with this. They are just TOO controlling.


-Merrick

   I'm assuming you are under 18.  I don't know what you can do unless you see a gender counselor.  If you have a chance to see a counselor, then maybe you can have the situation explained to your parents.
   Also, if you are under 18, you may have no say in how much you can do for now.  I don't know this for sure.  That's why you should try to see a therapist to help get information and support you can't get elsewhere.   If you do have to wait a few years, just remember that you will not be waiting forever.  At some point, you will have all of the control.

   Please try to not feel overwhelmed.

   We are here and we are more than happy to help you as much as is possible.


Hugs,

Rebis

[NickSister]

Hi InBetween,

Now your 18 and still living at home (as per your introduction).
My advice is, if you can cope with it, lie low and wait till you leave home. You will be away from their direct influence, have a space of your own, freedom to express yourself. So in the meantime I would suggest formulating a plan to become independent, and getting some help in working out where you would like to be with your gender expression. you should probably do this anyway for piece of mind. It sounds to me like you still have things to sort out about your identity and it would be beneficial to find space to explore this. Maybe join a local transgender group where you can go to just be yourself.

If you can't cope with the way things are then you have a bit of a problem. One thing I think you really should do is see a gender therapist. They will be able to offer advise on how to deal with your family, maybe even facilitate a family meeting so they can hear how serious an issue this is and that it is not a phase.

Don't waver in your conviction, they may be able to infuence what you wear on the outside but they can't change what is on the inside and one day you will be free to be you.

If they go on about your breasts just comment on their unhealthy fascination with your tits, and to keep their dirty minds on someone not related. Mention they probably don't want you to hide them because they like getting a eyeful. (say this in a public place for added effect, hopefully this will shut them up)

Best of Luck!

[RebeccaFog]

I agree with NickSister.  I didn't realize you are 18.

[Mia and Marq]

Now of course this isn't going to work for everyone in every situation, but conviction is a good way of getting the point across. The first time someone hears about it, its maybe a very new idea or they have too many misconceptions. Keeping at it with them will eventually get rid of the misconceptions(hopefully) and drill the idea into their heads.

When I talked with my parents, they had a lot of questions and misconceptions or generalizations. I stayed consistant with my answers and they knew I meant business.

Good luck,
Marq and Mia

[Doc]

I am really upset. Now everyone is telling me that I'll "damage my breasts" and "never be able to breastfeed". They wont let me hide my breasts at all...I don't think they'll let me go through with this. They are just TOO controlling.


-Merrick

If you bind severely for years and years, you will damage your breasts. You'll make them flat and floppy. This depends somewhat on how big and firm they are to begin with. This is not as big a deal as people make it out to be, and I really couldn't tell you if mine are flattish and floppy because I've been binding them for ages, or if it's because I was slightly overweight during my early teens and they used to be bigger, or if it's just because I'm 32. Probably all three of these things combined have resulted in my having not-so-perky but perfectly normal breasts. I don't think there's any binder in the world that will actually damage the milk-producing glands and their ducts without suffocating you first. Most of your breast is just fat anyway, the functional stuff isn't big. I imagine the chances of you destroying your ability to breast-feed by binding are non-existant. Seems like very few new moms can breastfeed anyway, because they've got jobs and it messes up the feeding schedule and they stop producing enough milk anyway.

You're unlikely to damage your breasts at all with a gentler binder like a home-made support-hose one, or a 'frog' or other compression-type sport's bra. And a vest won't really squish them at all. If you're small-breasted, those options will probably be adequate.

Anyway. They're objecting to nothing. Instead of accusing them of being obsessed with your breasts, you might explain to them that what they fear won't happen, and perhaps ask what it is they're really objecting to.

[NickSister]

Anyway. They're objecting to nothing. Instead of accusing them of being obsessed with your breasts, you might explain to them that what they fear won't happen, and perhaps ask what it is they're really objecting to.

Much better suggestion than mine Doc, I agree.

[RebeccaFog]

Anyway. They're objecting to nothing. Instead of accusing them of being obsessed with your breasts, you might explain to them that what they fear won't happen, and perhaps ask what it is they're really objecting to.

Much better suggestion than mine Doc, I agree.

Yeah.  I don't know why I ever agreed with NickSister to begin with.  I must be slipping.   


(I'm kidding)

[InBetween]

I've tried to explain so much to them, but they wont listen...I may have to sneak most things...they probably wont notice, my shirts are big.

I will also note that unfortunately I am not entirely passing as a guy, even when I don't say a word, which would show my voice, and at this point, give me away. I sometimes do pass, it seems, on occasion, but alot of the time don't. I was in Kohl's today buying some clothes, and when I walked into the men's dressing room (I actually didn't know that there was a dressing room for men, most stores only have one place for fitting rooms) the man there was extremely rude to me. He glared at me, and told me in probably one of the nastiest tones I have ever heard to go to the women's fitting room....I guess I didn't pass. I am not sure if that was prejudice, or just that he was overly strict with these things....possibly a combination by the sense I got from him, but I couldn't retaliate, so I just went to the women's...I have still been using the women's restrooms anyway. I am not even entirely comfortable using the men's yet anyway. I had no intention of that yet, I just wanted to pass, so it upset me when the fitting room "guard" reacted in such a way.

(Also I apologize for my rants lately, I have been feeling unusually irritable and I can't put my finger on exactly why.)


-Merrick-Scott

[NickSister]

Yeah.  I don't know why I ever agreed with NickSister to begin with.  I must be slipping.   

Even I don't agree with NickSister half the time 

InBetween, I don't think you need to apologise. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of pressure and the world can be a real hostile place sometimes. It would be really great if you could keep us posted on your future plans and how things are working out.

As for that guy, I would not take it too personaly. He probably did not recognise you for the man you are and reacted badly to the thought of a girl entering 'man space' - heaven forbid  . Think of how the women would react if the knew there was a spy among them 

[RebeccaFog]

HI,

   You may want to communicate with the FtM's about the best time to try entering a men's room.  It is a boundary that you want to be sure you are ready for.  You don't want to be arrested or anything.


Rebis

[InBetween]

Now my father is telling me I shouldn't go around telling people I want to be a boy...I never did that. My mother mentioned it to some woman in a store, and the sales lady said it was a phase. I told my mother there that I am not sure it is a phase...maybe I shouldn't, but I sensed no danger. So my mother must have told my father that I am "walking around bragging about how I want to be a male". I actually say very little to anyone about this, nor do I even correct people when they still refer to me as "she". I may mention it here and there if the subject is brought up, but I never "brag" or "shout it out". Why would they need to know my business?

My father seems to be getting overly "concerned" about this. My mother insisting it is a phase. I am not sure yet, all I know is I have felt this, even if it was slight, for some time now.



-Merrick-Scott

[Alison]

The thing about parents is.... It takes time for them to see you as anything else as "my little daughter/son"  When you question your gender it almost shakes the foundation of your parents identity as well (parent to ____ )  So it's going to take them some time to deal with this... Hopefully they'll come around..

But don't let that stop you from looking at yourself and trying to figure out who you are   That is an ongoing battle