How would you interpret the situation with my family?

[saraht123]

Hi people,

I don't post often, but I'm hoping to get a few of your opinions.

I'm mtf and pre everything, except about 9 months ongoing electrolysis. I'm not out to family, mainly because I view my parents as being a bit set in their ways and I'm not sure how well they'd handle it. I know I have to come out eventually, but my plan has been to send out subtle femme signals first (to hopefully lessen the shock for them).

I've recently been growing my hair out (it's still short for a woman, but with bangs now down to eye level. It's basically a messy looking pixie cut). While still presenting as male, I'm deliberately picking clothes that give me a bit more of a female outline; fairly close fitting tops that minimise my shoulders and hug my waist/hips a bit. Also, my facial hair is quite a lot less than last year and I've lost quite a bit of upper body mass due to switching to nothing but aerobic excercise. Oh, and I've been plucking my brows too. For all that, I'm starting to feel a bit better about myself

So......

My mum keeps making comments about my broad shoulders and yesterday tried to give me one of my dad's shirts that she said didn't fit him any more (As if  I'd ever wear anything of my Dad's. No way!!!) Also it was XXL. I said it's way too large and I'm a men's Medium, not even close to XXL! but she was very insistent that it would fit me, which is ridiculous. Anyway, I said no thanks.

In the past she has commented on my large hands too (even though they are luckily fairly small for AMAB).

I think it's possible she is trying drop some sort of hint or playing mind games to put me off transitioning. Past history has shown she can be a bit psychological at times. I've been wise to this for a while.

Mixed signals though. I took her shopping earlier in the year and ended up locating eyeliner for her in the makeup department at Boots. Not something a woman would do with a supposedly straight/cis-gendered son??

Hmmmm. So how much does she already know? My family can be a bit tricky at times and a lot goes unspoken.

I've always thought I hid any trans-ness quite well. Except, when I was 6 or 7, I remember she told me off for using 'effeminate' gestures and separately for 'mincing' and that I shouldn't walk like that. Then there was the talk about seeing a child psychologist (for reasons I don't remember), but it never happened. Definitely, for the rest of my life I think I've done a fairly  good(?) job of appearing straight/cis. I just wanted to fit in.

Does she secretly know I'm trans? For better or worse, that would be a hurdle out of the way. Coming out could just be a formality? Or......... in outwardly stating the unspoken truth, will I be crossing an invisible line and things will kick off?

So what do you reckon and how should I play this? I feel I have to be fairly tactical due to the way my family are, but whatever happens, I'm not reliant on them in any way.

Srry, I didn't mean to write so much!

[Laura_7]

Hello 

You could look here for a few resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,192131.msg1713312.html#msg1713312

Some people come out via text or letter, and show materials like vids later...

Well it seems your mum has picked up a few hints, maybe unconsciously, and its possible she kind of tries to steer against it...
like you being perceived feminine, and she thinking too much might not be good for you...

Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...
you might simply explain to them, talk to them about your feelings and needs... in a calm way if possible... and eventually talk about her restraints...
what the neigbours might say... there are many tg people now and people get used to it slowly...
etc...
and you might answer from a position of knowledge... you probably have aquired quite some knowledge on tg people...


hugs

[suzifrommd]

I'm a straightforward kind of girl. My impulse is to level with people and try to educate them rather than wear myself out wondering.

But I don't know you or your Mom or how you are together, so I'm probably not the best person to judge.

[saraht123]

As usual, I'm overcomplicating things.

Laura, I think you're right. She already knows and she's trying to put me off, probably because she thinks it's for my own good. Well, at least she's not totally unaware, so I'll take that as a positive.

Suzi, yes I think it's time I started being a bit more straightforward with people (and hoping for the best).

Thanks for the links.

Yep, whatever will the neighbours think? 

[Obfuskatie]

Remember that your parents are from a different generation (ye olde), where it's the mom's fault for gay or trans sons or daughters. She might perceive your outward signs of femming things up as being an effeminate man, most people don't jump to the trans-conclusion without being directly told. To cis-people, the whole gender identity thing isn't even on their radar. They never think of it because they've never had to deal with it.
Be that as it may, screw what she may or may not be imagining is going through your head. Tell her how you feel. Tell her how it is, then you can approach any reaction she has to reality. Instead of spending all this time obsessing about what hidden meanings and implications she could mean, open up. Start a dialogue. Any dialogue is better than assumptions and dread.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Obfuskatie]

I don't know how many times I've heard that conservative people have changed because they love their family so much that it didn't matter whether they were gay or trans or queer or poly or whatever. Family is family is family. That being said, give them a year to absorb your coming out then make acceptance and good behavior contingent upon letting them into your lives. Once we grow up, we decide how much we visit, and our parents will always want us to visit more often, even if they say ignorant things sometimes.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[saraht123]

hehe. they sure are olde! Sometimes I'm shocked by how much of a generation gap there is and how much must have changed in that time. I hate to think that anyone could ever be blamed for their LGBT children. So glad things are improving these days.

Yes, maybe I can't expect others to recognise in me something that confused me for a very long time.

I do have dread but I think I really should be doing something, instead of just worrying about it.

Anyway, thanks for giving me a different perspective on this.

Oh, and I probably need to take a chill pill!

[stephaniec]

you can always get a therapist to help with family matters

[awilliams1701]

My parents accepted my as well as my 2nd oldest sister. My other two have had a very hard time with it. I reminded my youngest sister that she has divorced and remarried against a part of the bible we no longer listen too. She's so overly attached to the bible that she has reverted to now calling herself an adultress.
Basically I'm saying there is nothing you can do and they are going to find out eventually. I think its better to come out now and see if you can mend the situation later. My oldest sister was so bad I had to block her out of my life for a while. Now we can interact without too many problems. Things have gotten better with her at least. My youngest sister has been reverting to a 1920's attitude ever since she got remarried and its only getting worse. I'm starting to suspect I'm not going to be able to mend my relationship with her. Its sad because I was closer to her than my other sisters. At least ill probably see her at thanksgiving.