yo yo yo wazzup my homies and stuff!
hiful, im sydneyful.
so.. i want to talk about myself.
i grew up from a super young age, wanting to crossdress, wanting to do feminine things i couldnt. i came out in high school as transgender male to female. my mother was accepting, things, freakin awesome
i started off being attracted to girls, not dudes. i watched sissy porn. i watched forced feminization porn. i watched that stuff. i still do. it kind of freaks me out a lot. i watched forced bi even, what the hell, why not?
as time went on, i started hormones, and as well, i started to realize that i had this tendency to butch up around other guys, be a bit more bro-ish, scared to express vulnerability. as time went on i started to yearn for a guy to come up and give me flowers.. marriage, the whole white picket fence thing.. something i guess that would make me feel more like a woman. id cry over this stuff. just like crying over mothers day. all that sympathy hunger.
and i guess.. eventually an attraction to dudes started to light up out of absolutely nowhere.. i, noticed the guys singing in songs i would listen to, about girls, and id start wanting to be that girl.. and.. well, eventually id start looking at guys on the internet to the point i got so open with it, that the attraction has become a normal part of my life and i guess im bisexual/pansexual. whatever.
im also, well, a submissive which, oddly enough, makes me long for a daddydom i guess, and well, be as vulnerable and girly as i, would love to be. and.. i have a boyfriend. all this is slightly crazy lol
now im at the point where, i dont really know what gender i am, i could be a feminine boy, or a transgender woman, who knows. and, i guess ive got caught in a job, where, im living as a woman, but im scared, im scared to express that inner fabulousness i want to get out so bad, i want to be, out and proud, i want to do all the stereotypical ->-bleeped-<- i didnt let myself do before, say betch, and all those silly mainstream things.
im scared though cuz part of me feels like im living a lie. part of me feels like it all originated from forced bi, sissy porn. i want to be fabulous, but at the same time, im into chicks the same. whenever i put on a tight dress, bam immediate erection, or even just a cute casual dress, bam, erection.. its inappropriate. i want to be a girly girl. i want to have girly friends and do makeup and that has nothing to so with sexuality or sissy fantasies, i just emotionally want it, but.
its confusing.
i, am not always the most fem. i like my rock music, im a bit of a slob, but.. im scared, im scared to strut it, im scared to be that sassy beautiful princess im dieing to be inside, even if, ive already been living out of the closet.. some part of me still feels on a personality level, im still in the closet.
