Yenneffer, there is no need to apologise. Many of us have been in the exactly same place as you during our transition. I suffered badly from anxiety and I couldn't use the telephone for a long while either, but eventually I recovered and I was able to put together a life for myself. After training as a social worker much of my intervention work was done over the telephone which shows that it was possible for me to overcome anxieties and live a useful and productive life despite my painful beginnings.
I don't think for one moment that you're a bad person. Yes you are confused and you don't trust other people and yes you have been hurt, but that does not make you bad. Tourette's does make things harder for you, but having Tourette's is not your fault. I have a daughter who is intersex and identifies as a demi-girl, she has Asperger's syndrome. My daughter came out at age 14 and despite many difficulties with her transition studied computer science and presently works from home developing software programming at a very rarefied level. She has made friends and very much has a life. Sure it's been a struggle, but I also know very well from my own journey that making a worthwhile life as a trans-person with a disability is possible.
Yenneffer you are loved here and there are plenty of us here who will do our best to encourage you when things get tough, so keep on going girl. Transition is difficult, but oh so worth it in the end. You are young and you are attractive with good facial bone structure so HRT will make you bloom into a fine young woman. Be patient and always trust in yourself.
Hugs, Anne.
