Hi Jake,
I was officially diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago and i really feel you on all the uncertainty and second guessing. I know some of my family members like to pull the "How do you know this whole 'trans thing' isn't just part of your mental disorder " card all the time. Lately I've come to think that when it comes down to it we really can't know that it's not, but i mean my mental disorder is just the way I'm wired, and being trans is the way I'm wired, and if they overlap? Such is life.
Don't think of genderfluidity as a cop-out, cause you're really not giving up on anything, you're just choosing a path that branches from where you thought you were going. There is nothing "more" or "less" between being ftm or being genderfluid. Feel free to explore being genderfluid if that's what feels right in this moment!
I know for me at least when i consider my disorder and my gender i wonder "Am I just making this all up? Am i just crazy?" but you really just need to trust yourself. there is a feeling of /rightness/ that you just can't make up, a feeling of gender euphoria rather than dysphoria (cause let's be real, existence on its own feels pretty dysphoric when you have BPD). Listen to that feeling of rightness. and if you feel it by expressing yourself as a female identified genderfluid person, then that's just as great as if you'd felt it while expressing yourself as a straight up trans man.
The people who replied before are right; this is a personal journey. Everyone's experiences are going to be completely different. But the best part about that is that there is no right or wrong, everything just Is. Take your time, go at a pace you feel comfortable with, and explore your gender identity and presentation as much as you like, until you feel like you fonally know what you're actually comfortable with. Your gender is the one thing that is seriously all about you: Go with what you like and what feels right.
Sorry, i realize this is an old question, but im new to the forum and just identified with it so much when i saw it, i felt the intense need to answer ha
Have a nice day, hope everything works out for you!